bring on the New Year

it's the last day of 2007. hard to believe that another year has flown by. it seems like I was just celebrating my birthday or traveling to England or riding bikes or going to Cards games or sitting out on the deck after dark or drinking beer at Bottleworks.

i'm looking forward to 2008. to seeing the house sell and getting a new place. to writing and publishing my first paper. to meeting new people and spending time with all my amazing friends.

there will be more knitting projects, long bike rides, more experiments and beers and good meals and travel and dancing.

welcome 2008. i'm glad that you and all the new experiences you promise to bring are on my horizon.

another pleasant valley Sunday

dear faithful Blog Reader,

as you may know it has been a rough Fall for our protagonist, i.e. me. today's post will feature some of the lighter moments of the weekend. I am enjoying a lovely morning in my pajamas. the sun is out, making the ~6 inches of snow on the ground quite luminescent. I made pancakes with real butter and maple syrup (of course!), uploaded photos, and am sipping on my second mug of Earl Grey tea (black, hot). I've listened to Ted Leo and danced around the kitchen. and am listening to Feist as I write this. here are some things on the agenda for today:

1. plan enough meals to get me through until next Sunday when I leave for Nashvegas
2. some final Christmas shopping
3. organizing the office
4. shoveling snow
5. reading
6. a potential appearance in lab
7. a definite appearance at Sunday Spin at Bottleworks

I am pleased to report that the protagonist baked holiday cookies on Friday night, consuming quite a few of them along with slices of mushroom pizza and g&t's. last night it was mulled wine, a huge spread of goodies (our lab is made up foodies, both novice and professional), unusual board games and thunder-snow-storms! I made the long and only slightly treacherous drive home from Webster in a little over 30 minutes.

trying to focus on the lightness of these moments and enjoying them for myself instead of feeling lonely. I do miss the closeness and sharing the little things with someone else. I think that it's human to continue to care... and it's hard to turn off. I've never ridden a tandem bicycle, but maybe once you get used to it, you struggle with pedaling and steering yourself instead of as a unit. but days like today remind me to get up and brush off my scraped knees and keep trying on my own.

my fingertips are holding onto...

the cracks in my foundation...

sigh, kate nash.
check her out here...
and here...
good stuff with my seal of approval!

inspiration, perspiration

inspire, a verb, defined in Webster's as...
1: to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration
2: to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on
3: to spur on

what inspires you? or let me rephrase that, are you being 1. influenced, 2. enlivened, or 3. spurred by something? what I am passionate about, what lights my fire... those are external things; it is easy to assign the role of inspiration to them. often, I think that what inspires me is instead within myself. it's not that I don't see beauty and joy in the world around me. I think those things are merely a reflection of what I see in myself. it is not the responsibility of the world to drive me to be great, to find peace and comfort in who I am. that potential has always been there. it is really a question of whether I pushed myself to see it... not whether I was around others who drove me to it... which is somewhat an anti-climactic actualization.

it's hard for me to see outsiders have such influence on me as a person. I think as human beings we are far too complicated for such simple arrhythmatic.

self "multiplied by" desired external force(s) "does not equal" realization.

there is no work, no calculus of life in that equation. thoughts?

Ferris Bueller, you're my hero

I missed being born in the 1970s by 28 days, making me, officially, a child of the 80s. though I was too young to remember the earlier part of that decade, I do have vivid recollections of watching MTV (my favorite videos as a 4 YO were "Material Girl" and "Man Eater"- go figure) and being carried in my father's arms through the movie theater parking lot after seeing "Return of the Jedi." So while I didn't learn of the Brat Pack till I was on the hot-pink-cusp of the early 1990s, I felt a kindred spirit with John Hughes' MollyAllyJuddEmilioAndrewAnthonyJonDemi character. my high school senior quote was uttered by the baby-faced Mathew Broderick, who did for Ferrari's what Tom Cruise in "Risky Business" did for BVDs: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it."

At 17 it was easy to relate to the desire for independence and excess. being young. having a good time. just living your life. now 10 years down the line, I'm approaching my Golden Birthday- in January I will turn 28 on the 28th- and I feel like most people around me still want to be Peter Pan. not to say that there's something wrong with never growing up. I think most people feel nostalgic for the ease of childhood and the thrall of late adolescence. I wonder sometimes though, as I approach my thirties, how anyone can get to this point in her life and not know what the hell she wants and/or not already at least be on the verge of accomplishing it.

A while back Ms. Nola pointed me to an article in the New York Times describing my generation's love affair with the Odyssey years of their 20s. I've had my share of wandering and exploration. hell, according to the article, knitting groups, Teach for America, and Facebook stalking all instantly qualify me as Odysseus. and while I still haven't attained all the hallmarks of adulthood (career, financial independence, family, stability)- I feel like I've moved beyond what seems to be the 20-something quest of "finding yourself." now maybe I'm at fault for not longing for more, but honestly, I'm pretty damn happy with who I am and how I've lived my life so far. it's odd, as someone who feels secure in herself, to question whether I'm truly living enough thanks to the constant reminder that others are still stumbling forward in search of something bigger, better... bliss, zen, or whatever. why should I feel at a loss because I feel like I've already found that something in myself? right, Ferris?

bah, humbug!

some current holiday commentary:

holidaze

tonight is my last night in Nashvegas. it's been a good visit, but challenging nonetheless. damn the holidays. I haven't decided whether I'm abstaining this year... gifts, decorating, cards and cookies. sigh. seems like the activation energy is almost too large to overcome. maybe it will have to be a two-step reaction. anyone have a good catalyst? but there have been highlights to this trip. it's just hard to say whether they are able to fill the gaping holes in my life that family and tradition have made all too apparent while I've been here.

Wednesday night I saw Feist's fantastic show at the Ryman Auditorium. for you non-denizens of Music City USA, this would be the home of the Opry. a beautiful, historic building with phenomenal acoustics and pews for the audience that reflect the reverence of the space and the sound. Feist rightfully displayed the necessary adoration. the crowd ate it up and I felt honored to see her in that place on the last night of her tour. it was a great way to start my stay here.

Thursday was all about food and family. I spent the day cooking and watching football. butternut squash risotto, green bean casserole, roast turkey... to name a few. yum. we woke up early (yes, Virgina, Santa has to be up at 4 am to get the deals!) to hit the doorbusters on Friday morning. BDW is a HUGE Black Friday shopper. it's his tradition. he gets really into it. and I'm proud to say that I helped him snag a 37 inch LCD HDTV at Target with my mad speed walking skillz. he was making his purchases (the first for the store for the day!) as people from the the line were still entering the store. that takes dedication, my friends!

today has been pretty chill. we went to see I'm Not There at the Belcourt Theater, the last historic neighborhood theater in town.



really an incredible film. the soundtrack is great as well. it includes some unusual Bob Dylan interpretations from the likes of Sonic Youth and Yo La Tengo. I particularly like Cat Power's version of "Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again." Cate Blanchette looks like she walked off the cover of Bringing it all Back Home or maybe Highway 61 Revisited. I was completely transfixed. Cate as Dylan's angry young man... Academy Award winning actresses/drag kings... who knew? I say, go see it. you don't even have to take my word for it: the rock'n'roll gf dug it as well.

empty prayer, empty mouths, combien reaction

two words keep resonating for me at the moment: passion and commitment.

I look at the very short arc of my life so far and can see both. I've been passionate about education in the real world, about research and the academy. I've made commitments to both- as a high school teacher and now a graduate student hoping to return to education one day in a different vein. but making choices and commitments to those ideas were not necessarily born out of being good at them. sure, I'm a smart kid... but being an academic has never come easy to me. I am interested in too many other things to become a slave to one question, one idea. I can be distracted, impatient. most of the time I feel mediocre at best at what I do. this may be a bit of self-berating, but I say it to make a point. I love what I do and that passion doesn't stem from merely being good at it. part of the passion is because it's hard and I have to work for it.

look at the commitments people make in their lives- to career, to family, to themselves. it seems that a lot of the time people make these commitments not because they are passionate about something, but because they are willing to settle for what they're good at, for what's easy and comfortable. and some people can do amazing things easily... but that doesn't mean that they necessarily care about them. maybe this is why there are those who can walk away from moments in their lives again and again. it's not that they have a short attention span when it comes to life, that they are serial monogamists or constantly changing the color of their parachute; instead, it's because they aren't invested enough in what they do, who they're with, etc. it's not that people can't or won't or don't commit, they just do it for the wrong reasons, in the wrong way.

for me, commitment stems from caring so much about something that's hard, something that you are willing to work tirelessly to hold on to. and that's where the passion lies. instead of looking for passion in what comes easy, passion arises when you struggle to make your dreams real. the expectation that happiness will happen when and where you find comfort or connection is too simple. knowing that I have battled and placed myself out there for things and people I believe in is the essence of passion, of commitment. and I am proud to be able to say those things about myself.

carrie brownstein, will you be my gf?

sigh... thank you NPR for giving me something else I can use to procrastinate at work!

ps: no seriously, will you? cause I'm in dire need of a rock'n'roll girl right now.

SfN - a summary

sorry I didn't manage to post during the last two days of the conference. just to fill you in on all the adventures that ensued Monday evening into Tuesday into Wednesday, I'll include some highlights below:

Monday night - Tuesday early AM

1. drank mojitos out of tiki glasses with plastic decorative monkeys at the Wash U social
2. drank g&t's while yelling from the bar the correct way to pronounce S's last name to the president-elect of SfN who was at the podium recognizing her award- ooops
   
3. drank champagne and was tipsy while presenting my 1-slide/1-minute to much applause
4. didn't get into the MIT party b/c of the line around the block
   
5. found the car in the deserted parking lot had been side-swiped
6. was packed and in bed by 2 am

Tuesday

1. up at 6 am to get ready and get to the convention center by 7ish
2. presented poster non-stop from 8 am to noon



3. collapse on floor of convention center
4. eat pizza and ice cream for lunch and do no science for the rest of the day- yay!
5. Herzog Nation dinner at the Prado in Balboa Park- lots of sangria and awesome food
6. re-pack and in bed by 11:30

Wednesday (aka airport hell day)

1. up at 4 am to get ready and take taxi to SD airport
2. board flight at 6 am for Chicago
3. arrive in Chicago to find flight to StL has been canceled- wtf?!
4. get re-booked on flight to cedar rapids, IA (no, I'm not kidding) with connection to StL
5. get on plane to cedar rapids - oil leaking from engine - get off plane (seriously, stop laughing)
   
6. get on new plane to cedar rapids
7. land in one of the smallest airports I have ever been in
8. get to walk outside to board next plane to StL- imagine North by Northwest
   
9. arrive in StL 3+ hours after I should have to find that my luggage is not on the belt
   
10. claim luggage that arrived hours earlier b/c it got on a direct flight
11. arrive home at 7 pm and crash

ah, SfN. thank god you are only once a year. as S says, "I f-ing hate this meeting!"

Day Three - Put my new shoes on!

well, the meeting is finally gearing up for me. yesterday was a good combination of networking and neurons, which ended with a Nova-esque lecture by Sebastian Seung complete with 3D animations and space-age music. add in some afternoon retail therapy (shoes and lip gloss!) and a very chill girls' night out at a lovely seafood place in Old Town, Cafe Pacifica.

today I am running the gamut from slide sessions on circadian rhythms and drug abuse to posters on neuroscience education to a lecture on public advocacy and research by Newt Gingrich. tonight are the socials- Wash U, the celebration for S's Lindsley Prize, the LGBT neuroscientists, the circadian and sleep Datablitz, and the infamous MIT party... unfortunately, I have to present my poster tomorrow morning starting at 8 am. so I will be pacing myself this evening and hitting the hay earlier than I would normally on such an evening of free food and drinks. oh well.

also of note: I am actually presenting at the Datablitz tonight. my 1 minute/1 slide of fame. will let you know how it goes.

NGW - Day Two

I have spent the morning sitting in a side hallway in the SD convention center trying to get some data analysis done to email back to a colleague at Wash U. this was a last minute deal, Thursday afternoon, when E asked me to try and get 3 more variables analyzed for oh, 200+ cells. blergh! I spent about 5 hours on it before I left for SD, another 3 on the plane, and after 2+ more this morning, I am finally done! yay! the thing is, I'm sure that no one is going to give a crap and ask about this particular figure on my poster, let alone the statistics we're using. but whatev. it's done.

there's not too much on tap for today. a few posters, a workshop, and a couple of talks. probably drinks and dinner out. and maybe some Sunday night football.

we had people over to the condo last night and I coordinated some BBQ action. chicken, burgers, light beer. good times. well, except for that whole light beer thing... J and D from B-more came out from their hotel downtown. some of my favorite people in the world. miss them.

it's been hazy/potentially sunny and pretty nice here. the ocean is amazing. right now I'm just trying not to think about other stuff too much and enjoy the science. we'll see how it goes.

ps... this post has nothing to do with wild neuroscientists and is kinda boring. sorry. I should mention that I almost convinced Q to flash downtown SD while driving our convertible PT Cruiser. that's semi-wild, right?

neuroscientists gone WILD! Day One

I have descended upon San Diego. heh heh heh. arriving Friday evening to an already dark SD skyline (blame it on the haze from the fires?) and meeting up with S to consume 23 oz local beers in the hotel bar before heading out to dinner. tasty treats: Stone Brewing Co. Smoked Porter and some sexy, sexy food including crepes stuffed with Mexican cheese topped with home-made caramel and walnuts at Candelas. can I just say that I love per diem. yes, yes.

this morning we walked the 2 blocks to the beach from our condo. J, A, and I braved the chilly Pacific ocean as the sun burned off the morning clouds. off to the convention center soon, where the real fun begins...

if this is who gets under the "Big Tent" then I'm looking for a Winnebago!

I went to my first Drinking Liberally event here in the Lou last week. it was held at the Royale, where they serve most excellent Tanq gimlets with fresh lime juice- straight-up with a sugared rim. mmmm gin gimlets... must thank that Mid-Atlantic women's college liberal arts education for developing my refined taste in cocktails. or as one guy I met at DL said, my refined taste in old lady drinks. as he explained, old ladies just want the booze. I suppose this is better than being saddled with the "girlie" drink tag.

so while sipping my gimlets, I chatted with the LGBT coordinator for the Obama '08 campaign in StL. seemed like a nice enough guy, though I was a bit disappointed in his response to the current McClurkin controversy.

just to summarize: Obama has hired a preacher/gospel artist, McClurkin, to participate in campaign fund-raising events. this particular guy is, to put it nicely, an anti-gay bigot. oh, who just happened to be "converted" from his sinful homosexual ways by finding Jesus. and he likes to go around associating himself with the likes of Exodus and others who praise the ways of curing gays! many liberal bloggers called out the Obama campaign on including McClurkin in this event, most prominently John Aravosis of Americablog, who has done an amazing job of keeping the story hot. eventually the HRC called out Obama for his position on this guy, and this is what I asked his LGBT coordinator I met at DL about. and the response...

"We are trying to be 'Big Tent' Democrats."

oh really? excuse me... blech

and then he proceeded to bring up Hillary and her positions/problems. don't get me wrong, I am not some huge Hillary supporter. in fact, I haven't really gotten behind anybody in the primary race. right now Chris Dodd and John Edwards are the only 2 guys who are consistently voicing positions that are progressive enough for me to get excited about... and there is not much chance for either of them gaining the nomination. and talking about Hillary is just a distraction from the bigger issue: in an attempt to be "Big Tent"- a phase that I absolutely hate- Obama and his campaign are giving a platform and a microphone to a known bigot. and denouncing his position does not take away this fact. you can't say, "wait, we don't think he is right, but we want him to come to our party because he will bring votes and money from people who think like he does!" Bah!

I am a progressive. and I am not anti-religion. those two things are not mutually exclusive, regardless of what the Right Wing Machine would have you believe. but anyone who preaches that being queer is an abomination is preaching hate. period. and why anyone who is claiming to be a progressive would want that associated with their campaign is beyond me. I have yet to hear a valid explanation from an Obama supporter or queer person why I would want to be under the "Big Tent" with a group of people who think I should be "cured" and that homosexuality is a "curse!"

a little mood music

I really like this video from the UK's Bat for Lashes... it's spooky, melancholy, and involves costumes- making it perfect for Halloween!

also: bikes.
'nuff said.

return of the prodigal daughter

well, I'm back in the Lou after some much needed R&R in Nashvegas. It was my Dad's birthday, a convenient excuse to get the heck out of Missouri and spend time with family. Well, that and the whole my-life-is-falling-apart bit.

some interesting news to report from the dirty South... first of all, the high rise condo craze has descended on the city. everywhere you look there's a crane and a hole in the ground. guess what's going to be there? condos. quarter of a million dollar and up condos. it's like a plague of locusts with drywall and Sub-zero refrigerators. and they have ridiculous names like "Rhythm" and shit. honestly, I don't think there are enough warm bodies in Nashville to fill all these frippin condos. even the local free paper had an article about over-building while I was there, though their take was a bit less grim.

even with all the condos going up, it was nice to head out to Radnor Lake (our own little Walden Pond at the edge of Metro Nashville) and hike around. my Dad, step-mom and I saw a barred owl, which I took to be a positive sign. I have a thing for owls. and this one was so beautiful. it was just nice to be in the same moment as that creature and to know that there is karmic balance somewhere in the universe for everything going on in my life right now.


I also ate way, waaaaay too much food while I was there. starting at the Tin Angel on Wednesday night for my Dad's birthday. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I had never been to the Tin Angel before, but I did leave the city before I was much of a gourmand- I mean, at 18 you consider Waffle House an example culinary excellence. mmmm... scattered, smothered, and covered... the food at Tin Angel was excellent and the little place reminded me a bit of my favorite StL restaurant, Atlas. unfortunately, I didn't get my Tex-Mex fix in on this visit. but there will be plenty of other opportunities. Nashville has a very large and growing Latino population. it is always cool to drive through parts of town I remember vividly from my childhood and see an entirely new community taking shape there, including billboards in Spanish.

all in all, a re-energizing visit. hopefully I can push through this week and finish getting ready for Society for Neuroscience 2007. in 2 weeks me and 30,000+ of my closest neuroscience friends will be taking over San Diego for 5 days. I'm sure that you are anticipating the blog posts as we speak.

Oh I'll be the one to break my heart

I keep playing a song from Feist's album "The Reminder" over and over... I feel it all, I feel it all... like a little mantra. this week has definitely kicked my ass. I am so behind. it's hard not to feel like an old engine in desperate need of a tune-up. I keep sputtering forward, but no where close to humming along. fits and starts. lack of focus. I guess this is what happens when you are starting over from a huge loss. things feel battered and broken, maybe parts are a bit rusty and you have to knock off the dust and get everything back into a groove. I know it will happen sooner or later. it kinda has to, I suppose. eventually you acquire enough momentum to overcome the inertia.

not that there aren't good things to report. my work, when I'm actually thinking about it, is moving along nicely. I have the Society for Neuroscience meeting in San Diego next month. I was selected to present at the Circadian and Sleep Data Blitz, which is a pretty big deal. I should be able to start writing a paper or two in January and need to start working on figures for those. as well as my poster and slide for SfN. all my outreach stuff is great. busy busy. it's exciting to see how many students and teachers we are reaching in St. Louis with our Brain Awareness events. I'm spending time with friends, trying to meet new people, reconnecting.

I want to start writing real posts again... on politics, food, culture, education. these things are barely on my radar at the moment. just gotta take it one bit at a time. more soon.

I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen...

thank you, Lloyd Dobler.

thank you.

how certain times in your life would make a really good short story, part 1

despite the ridiculous heat that continues here in Missouri this weekend (it should NOT be over 90 degrees in October- damn you, Al Gore!) my friends and I had some most excellent adventures. thank you, awesome support system, for taking me out and showing me a good time. so now some highlights:

on Saturday, I climbed into Santiago's new Mini with Kim and we all headed West. our first stop was the Robller Vineyards, an old favorite. we ate and drank in the intense sunshine.

with one bottle down and a few purchased for later, we started tracking back east towards Augusta to try a few new spots. the wine was okay and we were a little put off by the large crowds of "tailgaters" at a few of the places. luckily we found a pretty nice patch of grass at Balducci's and amused ourselves listening to the cover band and watching an 9 or 10 year old boy spin around in circles.

after leaving Balducci's we headed down into Augusta, a tiny town which boasts not 1, but 2 wineries, a microbrewery, several adorable B&B's and access to the Katy Trail. we sampled some tasty wine and beer and I enjoyed taking photos in the beautiful late afternoon light.

we finished our day at Montelle's, which wins the prize for the tastiest red I had tried all day, as well as the best view. rolling Missouri hills, trains, good wine shared with friends, boursin cheese and baguette, and an amazing sunset. I couldn't have written it any better...


stay tuned for part 2 soon...

isn't she?

she turns herself 'round

and she smiles and she says
"this is it...
that's the end of the joke."

shout outs to:
my literary and musical saviors.
Gchat procrastinators.
purveyors and connoisseurs of food and drink.
those of you who are just checking in... regularly.
the first days of Fall.
weekend plans. (Shaw Art Fair, Best of MO market, winery tours, gardening)
plane tickets.
bike rides.
a Chancellor Emeritus.
birthdays.
knitting.
new things. (babies, houses, cars)
and trying to move on...

not for all the tea in China
not if I could sing like a bird
not for all North Carolina
not for all my little words
not if I could write for you
the sweetest song you ever heard
it doesn't matter what I'll do
not for all my little words

from the desk of Claire McCaskill

some of you might remember the letter that I sent to my Senator, Claire McCaskill, after the FISA vote at the beginning of August. this was before Attorney General Gonzales resigned and my life entered its current tailspin... another story altogether with nothing to do with Gonzo. but I mentioned that I would share any reply that I received. Here's the email I got last week:

Dear Ms. Webb:

Thank you for contacting me regarding the Protect America Act of 2007 (S. 1927). I appreciate hearing from you, and I welcome the chance to respond.

On August 1, 2007, I was faced with a stark reality: the Director of National Intelligence sent a letter warning the Senate of the heightened threat of international terrorism, and urging us to modernize the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) before the August recess “to ensure that we do not have critical gaps in our ability to provide warnings of threats to the country”. The call to quickly revise FISA in order to reflect developments in telecommunications technology was echoed by four Democratic members of the Senate Intelligence Committee. I chose to heed these urgent warnings.

I voted for two measures to amend the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. I preferred the legislation offered by Senators Rockefeller and Levin; however, it failed to gather the 60 votes needed to pass. I also voted for the Bond-McConnell version, which did receive enough votes to pass. Corresponding legislation was later approved by the House of Representatives, and the President quickly signed the bill into law.

It is important to recognize that this legislation is a temporary fix to provide our intelligence community with the most immediate tools needed to protect our country – it will be in place for only six months, and it cannot be renewed before it is thoroughly reviewed and authorized by Congress. This gives us six months to create a more acceptable permanent intelligence collection process that that allows us to effectively monitor terrorist communications overseas while also protecting the privacy of law-abiding American citizens. I can assure you I will be one of the Senators working hard to re-establish the constitutional protections that have been eroded by this President and this temporary FISA legislation.

Again, thank you for taking the time to share your concerns with me. Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of any further assistance.

All best,
Senator Claire McCaskill

this is a very even-handed response. fair, I would say. I like Claire. I think she has convictions. I am pretty disappointed, however, that she was swayed so heavily by what is now being investigated as a totally bogus terror threat on the Capitol that was used by the Administration to get what they wanted with the FISA bill. See here for some great coverage Keith Olbermann has been giving the topic.

heavy rotation

and every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me...

there are places I'll remember, all my life
though some have changed
some forever, not for better
some have gone and some remain

sunrise doesn't last all morning
a cloudburst doesn't last all day
seems my love is up and left you with no warning
it's not always going to be this gray
all things must pass
all things must pass away

and somebody told me
that this is the place
where every thing's better,
where every thing's safe
walk on the ocean
step on the stones
flesh becomes water
wood becomes bone

when I'm alone
when I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
when I've lost all care for the things I own
that is when I miss you,
that is when I miss you,
you who are my home, you who are my home

she gave him everything that she had
changed anything he said was bad
love weighed on her heart like marble stone
a flash of the knife and he was gone
he said he would give her the sun and the moon
now all she has is this eight-by-eight room
killing him didn't make the love go away

children by the million sing for Alex Chilton
when he comes 'round
they sing "I'm in love. What's that song?
I'm in love with that song."

Reno Dakota, I'm reaching my quota
of tears for the year
alas and alack you don't call me back
you have just disappeared
it makes me drink beer

when you're mind's made up,
when you're mind's made up
there's no point in trying to change it

you say love is a hell you cannot bear
I say give me mine back and then go there, for all I care...

Taxi zum Klo

During my junior year of college I took a course entitled Masculinity and Femininity in German Film. As a chemistry major, I didn't often find my way out of the science building, but when I had the opportunity to take a sociology or fem-gen (that would be feminist and gender studies) class, I jumped at the chance. And obviously, I couldn't resist one taught by the illustrious Imke Meyer, purveyor of the best German dyke hair on campus and never without her denim jacket, Levis, and black boots. Ah, Imke... starry-eyed women followed her in droves, I swear- she was the Pied Piper of the German department! (yeah, I just equated queer undergrads with rats... sorry)

So in Imke's class we screened some amazing German films. I was introduced to the earth-shattering Louise Brooks for the first time in Pandora's Box. And by the end of the course, we were watching more modern fair including the film that the title of this post takes it name from, Taxi zum Klo, or Taxi to the Toilet. This film depicted the story of a gay man cruising for sex in the public toilets of West Berlin. I wrote my final paper for the course contrasting scenes of domesticity with scenes of cruising with the thesis that the director, Frank Ripploh, sought to argue that both exist as homosexual lifestyles and that they are not mutually exclusive.

With that back-story in mind, let's talk about Larry Craig. If you've been living under a rock for the last few days, Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has been doing his best Mr. Hand impression on CNN, proclaiming his non-gayness after news aired that he had pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor indecency charge stemming from playing footsie and propositioning an under-cover police officer in a men's room in the Minneapolis Airport. Senator Craig mistakenly thought that if he plead guilty that this little incident would just go away- obviously it hasn't and now he's claiming that he did nothing wrong and it was a big mistake to take a plea. A man who is a US Senator didn't retain counsel and is now whining about some miscarriage of justice. Yeah, I know. Dumb. Oh, and I should mention that Senator Craig has a 0% voting record on gay rights issues, including voting for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage and voting multiple times to exclude sexual orientation from hate crimes legislation. Hypocritical much?

And, what, you may ask, does Larry Craig have to do with an erotic German comedy from the 1980s? Based on his voting record, Senator Craig does not believe that queer individuals deserve the basic rights afforded to all Americans to enjoy life, liberty, and the like. Based on his behavior, Senator Craig uses cruising to engage his closeted feelings in an anonymous way without the necessity of having a real relationship. Larry Craig does not allow himself (or maybe does not believe he deserves) those scenes of domesticity, and therefore, does not believe that the rest of the queer community deserves to have them. Senator Craig, I don't care that you would rather cruise than have a life with someone of the same sex, but don't keep me from having both my sexuality and my rights and humanity.

I am as constant as a northern star...

constant in the darkness, where's that at?

it's been a week of intense flux here. and honestly, flux is not a bad thing. it's too easy to be complacent about who and where you are in your life. sometimes we all need a good challenge. I am more than ready for it. to evolve. how very adult of me, right?

I heard an amazing cover of joni mitchell's "case of you" on the radio yesterday. the band who was performing totally punched up the baseline and it had a driving intensity, such a contrast to mitchell's open tuning acoustics. you could really feel the longing within the lyrics- in a different way than I had ever heard it before. "case" was on a mix tape that my first college girlfriend gave me when I was 19. seems like a lifetime ago. in late adolescence I think we often believe that only our experiences have truly run the gamut of emotion. no one could possibly feel what we feel, have felt. at 19 I was there with joni in the bar, I was feeling what she was feeling. at least that's what I thought at the time.

sitting on my back porch this week, looking at the stars, laura mentioned that she thinks about how old the light from the stars is- it has traveled so far to reach us it's likely that those stars may no longer even exist. talk about being constant... to be present and observed by others long after you yourself have been extinguished. I would want to be a star, an institution in the sky. that way, regardless of when I burned out and faded away, it would take lifetimes before I could truly be gone.

I'd have permanence, even in a state of flux.

back 2 skool

Staples says that it's the most wonderful time of the year. the yellow school buses were out in force this morning; and, thankfully they didn't slow down my ride much. it will be interesting to see how the state take-over will affect the StL City schools this year. after last year's nightly news tele-novella, "As Veronica O'Brien Turns..." I'm curious to see if having the district run by grown-ups will change things. for the sake of the teachers and students, I can at least hope for a bit more consistency. it's difficult to say whether the independent board will have St. Louis' best interests at heart. besides the 7% drop in enrollment, it looks like the first day went off without a hitch.

I've had my own back to school rituals here in the lab... cleaning and re-organizing piles of papers and data from the last 4 months. filing stuff away. buying a new planner insert. switching over to Gmail. registering for a Kayaking class at Forest Park Community College. almost everything except a new lunch box and the smell of freshly sharpened pencils. guess that's what happens when you are a full-time graduate student. there's a lot to look forward to in the coming semester. I have the opportunity to give a couple of scientific talks. I'm presenting data at a national meeting. some fun road trips and other adventures are planned. writing a grant. and hopefully I will start working on getting a couple of manuscripts together for submission.

flight of the conchords

for those of you who don't know Bret and Jermaine, they would be the 4th most popular digi-folk parody duo from New Zealand. both the BBC, and now HBO, have aired shows featuring their trials and tribulations of trying to make it in the music business. it's some damn funny stuff...

the show is kinda like "The Monkees" for the 21st century. well, except that there's only 2 of them. and some of their songs are about sex. well, not that Monkees songs weren't about sex... but these songs are a little less subtle than "Daydream Believer" anyways, if you watch the clips below you'll get the idea :)





so if you liked these and have HBO, you should definitely check them out.

spy like US

I was returning from the float trip last weekend when I heard that Congress had passed the "overhaul" to the FISA law. and unfortunately, our new Democratic senator from MO, Claire McCaskill, voted for the "Protect America Act of 2007"- obviously, I'm not happy about it. here's the email I sent her office...

Dear Senator McCaskill,

I am writing because of your vote to pass the "Protect America Act of 2007" last week. I am disappointed that you have given the Bush Administration further accessibility into the private lives of American citizens by adopting these changes to the FISA law. It is especially startling that these modifications allow our Attorney General, not a court or independent body, to issue warrants for phone calls and email communications without additional scrutiny and limited oversight by Congress. As I'm sure you are aware, the Attorney General is currently under investigation by Congress for his involvement in the politicization of the Justice Department and firing of US Attorneys. The fact that you would vote to give permission for the Attorney General to wiretap American citizens is shocking!

I was thrilled when you won our Senate seat, hoping that you would work for change in Washington. In general, I have been pleased with your stance on most issues. However, your current position on the FISA program is not acceptable to me as a MO resident who values privacy rights for all citizens and the proper oversight for the executive branch when it feels necessary to listen to any American's communications.

Sincerely,
Alexis B. Webb

grumble grumble. I will keep you posted on any response that I receive. the bill has a 6-month sunset date, if this is much of a silver lining. Congress, including several Democratic members, has given the Bush Administration legal cover for its continued warrantless wiring tapping efforts until next February. How is this okay? Polling data shows that most Americans (this is not a partisan issue, friends) think that eavesdropping on citizens is not cool. we can all hope that Congress actually changes the FISA law during this time to allow for more, not less, oversight. but it should happen sooner and not later, if we have any hope of getting the Bush Administration's hands out of the privacy rights cookie jar.

for more info on all things FISA and other goodness, check out Glenn Greenwald's blog over at Salon. if I was to ever fall for the cartoon version of someone, it would have to be Glenn Greenwald- man, I dig his cartoon-self!

also, this animation featuring "Snuggly the Security Bear" is quite informative.

nightswimming or report from west bumblefuck

Male fireflies flashing in unison along the riverbanks in Malaysia
hard to believe that we are already careening wildly through August. the summer is slipping away and what with the record heat here in StL, I'm not too sad to see it go. at least, not at the moment. this weekend was one where you have a chance to sit around and reflect on the end of summer and what it means. maybe it was the fact that we got out of the city- staying at Laura's waaay out in west county on Friday night. hiking though Castlewood state park and staring out at the Meramec from the bluffs above, thin and narrow, withdrawn from the banks. swimming late into the evening under a sky with stars, laughing at ourselves in the water. walking home with wet towels and empty beer bottles, the smell of chlorine lingering like a film. these moments get added to endings of summers past.

at the end of my 15th summer, I saw REM in concert at the Starwood amphitheater in Nashville during a thunderstorm... which I would deem, as with many events both momentous and minuscule, a defining moment of my adolescence. we had paid the extra money to have seats under the awning, but we were so close to the back, we got wet anyways. Michael Stipe dedicated this song to all the beautiful people singing and dancing in the grass. my newly purchased rock n roll t-shirt smelled of rain and beer. this song will always elicit a reaction in me... part desire, part fear. feelings that echo the departure of summer, as we inch slowly towards it.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,
Turned around backwards so the windshield shows
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse
Still, it's so much clearer
I forgot my shirt at the water's edge
The moon is low tonight

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago,
The fear of getting caught,
Of recklessness and water
They cannot see me naked
These things, they go away,
Replaced by everyday

Nightswimming, remembering that night
September's coming soon
I'm pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?
That bright, tight forever drum
Could not describe nightswimming

You, I thought I knew you
You, I cannot judge
You, I thought you knew me,
This one laughing quietly underneath my breath
Nightswimming

The photograph reflects,
Every streetlight a reminder
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

Endeavor and Barbara Morgan

The Challenger Space Shuttle exploded on my 6th birthday. I have vivid memories of watching the television at my grandparents after kindergarten (it was a half-day) during the launch and the explosion that immediately followed.

Next year, for my 1st grade space unit, my Dad and I built a space-rover and painted it red and blue with a plastic hatch made from some toy packaging. we named it the USS McAullife after the teacher who died in the Challenger accident, Christa McAullife.

Today the teacher who served as Ms. McAullife's backup, Barbara Morgan, will board the Shuttle Endeavor for its first launch in 5 years. I applaud her for carrying on the dream that ended so abruptly on January 28, 1986. As a child who grew up observing the space program operating in the shadow of that tragedy, I am happy to see a teacher will again have this opportunity. Have a safe journey, Barbara. We will see you touch the future.

your daily gay

yes, ladies and gentleman, it's time to update you on some of the news from out here in queer-ville that's got me a bit hot under the collar. and, no, not in a good way...

first we have this bit out of VA, the state that brought you the anti-partnership laws that prevents two people of the same sex entering into any sort of legal contract together, where in a out-of-court settlement the Arlington school district will now allow Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX) to distribute "conversion" materials to students at schools. Really, this is what we need to tell queer high school kids- that they are simply feeling "unwanted same-sex attractions" and that all they need to do is embrace their "innate heterosexual potential." like they don't already have enough to deal with, queer students will now get to take home lovely brochures featuring diverse and now ex-gay kids! the ex-gay movement has been debunked by the American Psychological Association, who rightly argues that no sound scientific evidence suggests sexual orientation can be changed. this doesn't keep ex-gay groups like Exodus from peddling their lies to the population of StL. luckily we have some pretty righteous folks here that think Exodus and the like are BS. riding my bike past this billboard every day made me proud to know that we are standing up against this kind of "love the sinner, hate the sin- we just want to help you gays" crap.

my other report is equally stomach churning: wacko-nutjob Rev. Fred Phelps will be protesting at the funerals of those killed in the I-35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis. it's not like there's a lack of funerals for Iraq war vets for Phelps to crash, it's just that the bridge collapse was obviously caused because MN is way too accepting of us queers. and, as we all know, God hates the Gay. and therefore, according to Phelps, God hates Minnesota. I hope all you MN residents out there are aware of this. let the counter protesting begin!

it's like herding cats...

one of my all time favorite Super Bowl commercials was for a digital technology management company called EDS. it features a group of cow-, er, catboys, telling stories about their lives on the range. it's classic.

now imagine trying to organize a group of ~12 neuroscientists for a camping and floating trip on the Upper Meramec. a bit of back-story here: simply having my lab arrive on time to journal clubs and seminars is a bit of a headache. however, we're usually first in line if food is involved. we are notorious for showing up early for the monthly birthday cake provided by the Biology department, grabbing our multiple pieces and heading back to the lab before anyone else arrives. ah, the irony of studying circadian timing and yet never being punctual!

Sunday and Monday we all got together outside of Steelville, MO to camp, paddle, and of course, eat. Michele and I arrived late Sunday afternoon to find a veritable tent city, which we gladly added ourselves to. Everyone else was off swimming at the river, so we tossed around a football and helped ourselves to beers in the cooler. Now, I must mention that I have a bad habit of always being "the Organizer." This trip, for example, was not my responsibility and yet I was the one who ended up deciding where to float and making the reservations. At least I didn't get stuck with planning the food, though we did end up shopping with my Costco card. So, not being in charge of the food, I made M keep me from trying to butt in. This is an unfortunate mutual condition of Organizing- if you let someone else do it, you sit around thinking about how you could do it better.

Dinner was pretty late on Sunday, M was getting close to gnawing on the small children and she doesn't eat meat. It was quite tasty though. Thank goodness we brought a couple of propane stoves. And we had a ton of leftovers. Pounds and pounds of chicken, brisket, etc. The little Organizer voice kept telling me that I could have planned it better... but sometimes it's better to relax a little bit, which is something that I can always work on.

in the end, everything worked out beautifully. we had a fantastic float. I got to paddle Laura's kayak that my boss was kind enough to strap to his station wagon and drive down for me. we finished 9 miles of river in about 4 hours with 3 stops and were able to get the visiting post-doc candidate back to StL in time for her flight. having all of the lab together is a good time. you just have to remember that it's like herding cats... and to be able to enjoy it, you have to sit back, smile, and just let it be.

women:dogs :: _____:bitches

sometimes the things that come out of people's mouths really floor me. sometimes, I'm not too surprised. take, for example, the latest comparison between the Mike Vick federal dog fighting case and the rape case brought against Kobe Bryant (and ultimately dropped) in 2004. From Feministing:

Below is part of a transcript where CNN sports reporter Larry Smith tells Nancy Grace that dog fighting is worse than rape.

SMITH: Yes, well, that's -- he's been in a lot of trouble lately, when you think about all the other incidents, and this is just the worst one of all. Keep in mind, too, that while Kobe Bryant is a situation we can sort of compare this to, this really is much worse. Not only can you argue that the crimes are much worse in terms of, you know, killing dogs and that kind of thing, but as an NFL starting quarterback, you are the most visible face in that city. I`ve said all along, in fact, you know, if you go through and, you know, very quickly name 10 mayors of major cities in the country...

GRACE: Larry Smith, did I just hear you say...

SMITH: ... you could have a harder time doing that...

GRACE: ... mistreatment of...

SMITH: ... than naming 10 NFL starting quarterbacks.

GRACE: Did I just hear Larry Smith, CNN sports correspondent and anchor, state that crimes on a dog are much worse than crimes on a woman? Did I hear that?

uh, yeah. and you wonder why rape remains so prevalent on college campuses across the country. at Wash U, a campus of approximately 10,000 undergraduates, 35 rapes were reported from 2003-2005. imagine having a 0.4% chance of being raped during your 4 years of college. and this is based on what was reported. if the media feels that major sports figures are in bigger trouble when they harm animals (and don't get me wrong, the initial reports of the Vick case are sickening) than when they assault women, they are only feeding the beast. the attitude among some college athletes will continue to be that rape is OK, that it's a woman's problem if she doesn't "want it," etc.

so, if you were curious about the answer to the analogy above, how to fill in the blank, I should let you know that it's a trick question. in the eyes of Larry Smith and some members of the sports community, there is no comparison. they're all the same thing.

boats, pies, and squirrels

it's been a busy week. I haven't had much time to catch my breath, let alone write some posts. not that busy = bad. it's been a fairly low stress in lab with Erik at UCSB and spending all day doing data analysis is not very taxing, if only slightly mind-numbing.

last Friday we went to see Ani Difranco at Live on the Levee. I can't believe how much older Ani looks from when I saw her in 2002-2003... making records and having babies will do that I suppose. hard to believe that I've listened to her music for more than half my life. weird. we road 34 miles out and back to Chain of Rocks bridge on Saturday and I have the peeling sunburn to prove it. not that it's still red- it all went in and turned tan. now it just feels like I'm molting. and Sunday I paddled on the Meramec with Laura and saw her new place out in West Bumblefuck... which, for all my jokes, is very, very close to the river.

and I feel like a kid with all my after-school activities. granted, my mode of transportation is a Bianchi and not a mini-van equipped with a soccer mom, a Capri Sun and a granola bar, but you get the idea.

• Monday - Yoga
• Tuesday - Bike to REI, buy and cut PVC pipe, clean and re-organize Laura's car
• Wednesday - Paddle on Creve Cour lake, hang slalom gates, softball playoff game (which we won!)
• Thursday - Bike to Maplewood for Meghan's birthday party, Schlafly

we got the go-ahead to start on our kitchen remodel from a contractor friend (it pays to be a regular at the Bottleworks, really it does) and just need to get the plumber out to take a look and give us an estimate. then we can start tearing into drywall and taking down cabinets. I think we've decided to do the IKEA thing and drive to Chicago (how very Sufjan Stevens of us!) though we have a little time left to decide.

the highlight(s) of the week have a common theme: Laura. dancing and singing to ancient CDs from the *gasp* 1990s while using a hacksaw was a blast. then, the capture of our eggplant by a rodent beanie baby in a Dread Pirate Roberts mask made Michele's week...

a bit of a side note here: we have been battling squirrels in our garden all summer. both the tomato and eggplant have been decimated just before the fruit is large/ripe enough to harvest. M has declared war and has been spreading blood meal everywhere. next stop, fox urine!

and then, the piece de resistance, homemade raspberry pie. surprise homemade raspberry pie. how many people are lucky enough to come home to find this being made in their kitchen by a sexy C1W paddler?

Laura, you rock.

i heart rachel maddow

makes me wish I had cable TV and satellite radio, oh yes...

and who knew that she was the first out Rhodes scholar?! excuse me while I take a moment...

superman returns

seems that I have been pushing my body a bit harder than usual lately. not that this is a bad thing- it feels good to be the most active I've been since college. I was biking and doing yoga regularly before our trip to England. and while we were there, I'm sure we clocked about 100 miles walking, not to mention our bike trips to Old Sarum and Stonehenge. since we've been back there's been more biking, paddling, yoga, and then this week, rugby.

I haven't had my cleats on since the alumnae game in May '03, though they and my deflated ball (now inflated) still ride around in the trunk of my car just waiting for a good time. playing touch on Tuesday night reminded again me of how much I miss the sport. there's a development camp for one of the St. Louis women's teams a week from Saturday. I think I'm going to give it a go. even if I feel like my schedule prevents me from giving up too many weekends (starting 4th year of grad school=no weekends off), it would be nice to get back into playing. besides, it's a legal way to hit people when you're pissed off and support hookers. that, and I get to wear the superman shirt that Michele thought she had made me throw out :)

UPDATE: Sound Salvation

Looks like Internet radio stations have been issued a brief reprieve. SoundExchange is holding off on collecting royalty fees for now, but we'll see what happens.

More info here, here, and here.

H/t to Ms. Nola

happy happy

here are some pictures from our 6th anniversary last Friday, July 13th. we went to the Community Table at Whole Foods and had an amazing time. this is a weekly dinner WF has on Friday nights where participants wander the store, pick out ingredients, and watch some fantastic chefs prepare an amazing meal for them! I definitely recommend it.

Dolores Umbridge and NCLB

Those of you not living with a kid or a 30-year old lesbian may have missed the fact that the 5th installment of the Harry Potter film epic, The Order of the Phoenix, premiered on Wednesday. We saw the late screening at the Moolah Theater here in Saint Louis. The Moolah is a converted temple with one of the widest non-IMAX screens I have ever seen, couches, beer and cocktails, and a bowling alley in the basement. Awesome.

I had a great time; and was immediately reminded that Order of the Phoenix is somewhat of a biting commentary on the American educational system, specifically No Child Left Behind, by J.K. Rowling. Harry's main foil in the book, in addition to the usual Lord Voldemort (who my money is on to be the next Republican named in the DC Madam scandal...), is Dolores Umbridge, an educational lackey from the Ministry of Magic who becomes the new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.

One of the most telling scenes in both the book and the film begins with Professor Umbridge welcoming her students on their first day of class. She describes to the 5th years how they will be learning to defend themselves from evil not by, well, learning how to defend themselves, but by studying the dark arts in a nice, safe theorhetical bubble. Oh, and then taking a test on it. There is no practice, no hands-on learning to develop students' ability to think for themselves. They become little sponges that must simply soak up the information with no need to understand or apply it. Umbridge's rise to power becomes the arc of the story and her transformation of Hogwarts School into a veritable police state has some very interesting implications for us Americans.

The bills for the reauthorization and improvement of 2001's No Child Left Behind Act are making their way through Congress this session. Since the enactment of this large, unwieldy, and underfunded piece of legislation, there has been much debate about whether high stakes testing and "adequate yearly progress" are valuable additions and measures of education reform. I believe that accountability is key, having taught in a struggling school system with teachers and administrators that sometimes care more about their pay check and having summers off than their students' learning. However, there must be a better way to get physical and human resources to the schools that need them the most. Why are science classes in low-income schools still being taught by individuals without a bachelor's degree in the subject?! Why do administrators have to spend their time doctoring attendance records in order to ensure that their school receives funding?! Obviously, if schools are having attendance problems it is a symptom of a larger epidemic in the quality of our educational system, and the disparity in quality based on socio-economic situation. This is a problem NCLB has yet to address... let alone, how we will prepare high school graduates competent enough to enter college and careers when they spend all their time memorizing and testing instead of applying high order thinking skills.

We have to wait and see if any real change will be made to NCLB. The law has had some positive consequences, but I'm not sure if it has led to any real progress in our most struggling schools, like those in Saint Louis and Baltimore. Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings, seems to think so. And of course if we said otherwise, you can imagine her with an Umbridge-esque twitter demanding us to write, "I will not tell lies."

UPDATE: Status of Internet Radio

Today is July 15th, and thanks to the decision by the Copyright Royalty Board to increase rates for streaming music online, it could be the day the music dies for many independent web-casters. Here's the email I received from XPN.

Dear Indy Music Lover,

Thank you for signing our online petition in support of the Internet Radio Equality Act. You joined over 11,000 others in telling our Representatives in Washington how strongly the XPN community feels on this issue. We gave the petition to Senator Specter’s office, and while he has expressed sympathy for our concerns, he has yet to commit to supporting the bill.

The current situation is less than encouraging. Our request in court for a stay of the July 15 roll-out date for the new royalty rates (retroactive for 18 months) has been denied. It is highly unlikely that Congress will move on this legislation in the near future. The consensus on the Hill is that this should be resolved through negotiations.

Talks have yet to be productive. They will continue right through the deadline. I’m still somewhat optimistic that we can find common ground that is in the best interest of both artist and audience. We do not plan any changes in our internet music streaming until we have exhausted all alternatives. I will update you when there is any news.

If you are interested in receiving weekly e-news with other XPN events and news, please click here.

Keep the faith!
Roger LaMay
General Manager

Let's hope that some compromise can be reached and that web-listeners will continue to have great stations like XPN available to them online.

more Bush*t

another day, another press conference. *vomit* yet the one thing you still won't see on CNN, would be the returning Iraq war dead.

singer-songwriter John Flynn has an amazing tune called "Dover" on his album "Two Wolves" that only begins to skim the surface of how I feel about this endless war.

Elijah was a sergeant, 42 years old
from Mesa Arizona, Elijah won't grow old
Patrick was with C Troop, Second Armored Cav
His buddies all remember how Patrick loved to laugh
Seth was from East Brunswick, just a newly wed
Somewhere in New Jersey a young widow bows her head
Daniel was from Boston shipped out from Fort Bragg
His mother got back Daniel with a folded flag

Oh big airplane bring’em down easy
Out of the Delaware skies
Oh big airplane Dover is waiting
to welcome the heroes you fly… home

...Scrubbed wooden pallets with white straps cinched over
Long boxes of flag draped aluminum
The C-5 is crowded when it lands in Dover
The honor guard boards and makes room again

Making straight for Nineveh, just like Jonah’s whale
Holy truth you swallow, overseas you sail
Precious is the cargo sacred was the gift
offered in the sandstorm from which your wings lift
Those who would pay homage can’t watch you set down
Behind barbed wire sentries miles from their town
No one breathes to question this silent parade
Except for the anguished loved ones left to say

© 2005 Flying Stone Music

it's like learning to play piano or to speak Italian...

I never knew I was just "practicing" being a lesbian! What a relief!

Check out the continuing subtle, yet bigoted coverage of us crazy queers by the MSM.

homecoming

last night our Odysseus returned from one of her many journeys. thankfully, we had no suitors to deal with, so I helped Telemachus prepare dinner. stuffed butterflied shrimp over mushroom risotto served with sauteed summer squash.


we heard tales of great adventures, of Scylla and Charybdis, over many glasses of prosecco and white wine.


and the finale: mojito sorbet with rum and club soda.

everyone went to bed full of food and drink and good company, to dream of rivers and sun and our place in the world...

dear lady, welcome home. I'm glad you're back.

la fin du monde (as we know it)

and I feel fine...

my national pastime

I have a couple of ultimate life goals...

1. to be interviewed, at least once, as the resident expert on X by folks at NPR. whether it be Ira Flatow from Science Friday on Talk of the Nation or Scott Simon on Weekend Edition- I'd love to be asked my opinion on some breaking news story or current event.

2. to hold season tickets to a major league team, preferably the Boston Red Sox, but I'd settle for any team from the Amercian League. I'm not sure how many other 20-something-year-old women long to be a professor at an elite liberal arts college and regularly attend ball games. Maybe it's because I saw my share of little league (my brother played since he was old enough to walk, practically) and learned to keep score at an early age. Maybe it's because some of my most vivid childhood vacation memories revolve around baseball (thanks Dad!) - Fenway, Busch Stadium, Camden Yards, or Cooperstown, most summers included a trip to the Show. Maybe it's because Field of Dreams still makes me cry. Yeah, I know, I'm lame.



I was at two Cardinals games this week. And as much as I complain about the over-priced (Budweiser) beer, there is really no better place to be on a summer evening. While watching the Cards lose is never fun (hey, we're still World Champs for a few more months, right?) at least Boston remains the best team in baseball. I may not be a little kid enjoying swirled soft-serve from a plastic helmet, but in the ballpark at twilight, when your legs stick the seats and your feet crunch on peanut shells, the smell of stale beer and popcorn in the air, time seems to stand still. those are some of my happiest moments.

geek stuff: clocks and evolution

2 really cool articles published last week in Science describing differences between daily clocks (rest-activity cycles) and seasonal clocks (how rest-activity cycles are maintained on long vs. short days) in fruit flies and that evolution played a role.

Check out the Perspectives summary here.

Justice in George W. Bush's America

So the news that Scooter Libby has had his prison sentence commuted- 30 months, for multiple federal felonies serving concurrently- already has created quite a stir. For all the latest, take a look at firedoglake if you haven't already. They've been there since the beginning. Nothing like waiting till the end of the business day, on the week of a major summer holiday no less, for Commander BunnyPants to make such an annoucement. And then turning on the answering machine at home so he doesn't have to take any calls. Not that I'm surprised. This is supposed to be justice under the American legal system?

While in England I saw an excellent program on BBC Two about race relations in the US. The story was from Jena, LA; and one that I hadn't heard much about in the States. A handful of African American high school students, who as targets of escalating racial tension in their small town, reacted and started a fight with a white student at their school. Not that I condone violence of any kind among students, in schools. However, the outcome of their situation is appalling. In response to the fight, which injured but did not permanently harm the victim, the DA is seeking maximum sentence for these children. We're talking 30-50 years in prison on attempted murder charges for a school fight.

So Scooter's sentecing is excessive, Mr. Bush? What do you say to the families of these African Amercian students in Jena?

everybody's working for the weekend

what is it about 70s/80s butt-rock (picture red camaros and mullets) that makes it truly feel like summer? maybe it's because def leppard, foreigner, and styx are touring again... regardless, we've turned the volume way up on the classic rock station in the lab.

besides working both days (ah, gotta love being a grad student) I had a pretty good weekend. 20+ mile ride on Saturday morning. haircut, errands, and drinking beer at Bottleworks with friends that night. Sunday evening Michele and I made dinner together and enjoyed the awesome weather on our deck. I fried up the green tomatoes I bought last week at the Tower Grove farmers' market- the first batch of the season! fried green tomatoes are one of my specialties (shout out to those Southern roots) and in my opinion, some what of an art form. these turned out excellent- yum! we also made a salad with field greens from our garden, heirloom tomatoes, and pearl sized fresh mozzarella with a balsamic vinaigrette. main course was apple-sage veggie sausage with caramelized onions. I meant to take pictures of the food, but alas, we consumed it almost instantly.

seems like this is going to be an odd week with July 4th being on a Wednesday. kinda hard to get the momentum going when you're taking a day off in the middle. guess I should go be productive...

I don't do zone

Our three and a half year old niece was visiting last weekend with Michele's mom. Nothing like spending 24-7 with a little kid to curb the "breeder" urge. I love Abby- she is completely adorable (Above: she curled up and fell asleep on the landing of the second floor so she could hear us talking downstairs) and tons of fun. Abby is smart and she has a fantastic laugh. Michele's brother and sister-in-law now have 3 kids- Abby, a one year old, and an infant! In less than 5 years! These people are crazy. Either that or they just hope to re-populate the Earth with libertarian, slow-package-openning engineers. And regardless, 3 is too many. Unless you are planning on cloning yourself or your spouse, man-on-man coverage is no longer an option. And in my eyes, kids have the number on every zone defense in the book. And I don't know about you, but I can't play zone. Thus the need to have a maximum of 2 kids at all times.

I like kids, don't get me wrong. I don't have kid-fear like some people I know (ahem, Michele). But being someone never to enter into a situation lightly, I take the prospect of having kids pretty seriously. Maybe it's because for me there will be no "happy accidents." It's not a bad deal, actually, since I'm already a planner by nature. Not to restate the obvious, but a kid is a lot of work. And honestly, I don't really mind playing the selfish card and being up front about the fact that I don't see myself having time for a kid anywhere in the near future. I kinda like this aunt gig, where I can hang out with them for a while and then give them back. It's responsibility-lite. After the last week I'm putting a five year hiatus on any possiblity of having kids. There is too much going on in my life to even think about it. And I know that right now I'd much rather spend my free time with Michele, with friends, with books and food and beer and wine. And I'm okay with that. We can have the intelligent, progressive people-need-to-have-more-babies conversation later.