sorry I was cruel; I was protecting myself

On the eve of my birthday I saw Laura Veirs play in the basement of a bar in Park Slope. I didn't have tickets, but hung around the entrance to the room and finally sweet-talked the woman managing the door into taking my $10 and letting me inside. I squeezed in between the couples and the Brooklyn hipsters, rocking back and forth on their expensive trainers, just as she was taking the stage. This was my first time seeing Veirs live, though I've known her music for a while. My friend Alissa is practically a dead ringer for her and it's kinda a running joke between us. I spent my undergrad years going to shows in venues like this across the North East and MidAtlanic- tiny, idyllic, intimate places with wood paneling or tin ceilings, an ancient bar tucked away in the back. And while Feist was my first solo show in ages (see holidaze), the Veirs show really brought me back to what it was like being in a crowd, closing my eyes, letting the music wash over me, feeling like if I fell... the moment would swoop in and support me. She was lovely and ephemeral. I walked back along the tree-lined streets to Ms Nola's apartment perfectly content. I wrote an email that night proclaiming that if there is an afterlife, mine is filled with good beer, cobalt glass, perfectly smoothed pebbles, and female singer-songwriters.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am honest and open about how I feel and what I think. Probably to a fault. It seems that these qualities get me into trouble more often than not. Over the last 6 months I have been learning to do more to protect myself and how I feel. This doesn't mean that I've put my heart away or have stopped being up-front about my opinions. But I think I am finally in a place in my life where I have realized that while I may not have complete control over what happens around me, I do chose how I let it affect me. And maybe that means I still push too hard, that I still put myself out there too much. But I know now, that at the end of the day, I need to take care of myself first. And that other people's issues and perspectives, while no less valuable, cannot dictate what is best for me. This has been a major challenge. Even if all of this protection and distance is valid, it still makes me feel like a jerk most of the time. I like connecting with people. When I feel like I can't do that, or I have to limit it, I get frustrated. So for now, I know that what I'm doing is the best for me... but it's kinda like a kid being told to eat her vegetables because they're good for her. I'm going to do it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

somewhere in the middle you fall...

It's 9:30 on a Thursday and I'm beat. yet another busy week. I was happy to spend the evening at home with dinner and a movie. one of Ms Nola's posts last fall has inspired me to share a recipe: chicken piccata.

chicken breast, usually pounded flat btwn 2 pieces of Saranwrap with a rolling pin
salt, peppered, and lightly floured
cooked in a little oil over medium high heat until lightly browned
remove chicken and add a little minced garlic
followed by lemon slices and a combination of chicken broth and white wine
reduce
add more lemon juice and capers
reduce again
remove from heat and melt in some butter, pour over the chicken

yum! pair that with some couscous, broccoli and another big glass of white wine and you would have my dinner for the evening. I curled up with Dame Judi Dench ("Mrs. Henderson Presents"), a giant box of Jelly Bellies (gift), and the pink baby booties I am finishing for my friend Julie who's due in March. a great night all around.

the last 2 nights this week have been music-filled ones. on Tuesday I went to the Fabulous Fox Theater for the first time to see Avenue Q. it was a belated b-day gift from my friend Gnat. and it rocked. it's not often that I see musicals (my only others being The Who's Tommy and Rent) and it's even less often that I relate to the songs and the characters... in this case, puppets. seriously. Gnat and I were especially drawn to the Bad Idea Bears- who in high pitched voices proclaim the wisdom of buying a case of beer to save money in the long run and the virtues of LITs. more drinks, more fun!

I spent today coming down from the emotional high of seeing Erin Mckeown play live last night at Wash U. for those of you who know my aural proclivities, you know I lovingly refer to Erin as my original rock n roll gf. I saw her live for the first time in 1999 when she played Bryn Mawr College's May Day. The second time was in February of 2000. she was solo. it was Valentine's weekend and I had recently broken up with my first girlfriend. I told her she was the highlight of my weekend, and with that she emblazoned the name to my copy of her first cd: "McKEOWN the Highlight." I spent 5 years going to see her play from Providence to Baltimore, catching almost every single show she did in Philly. I even gave her a Valentine one year... a hand-made collage/card with the lyrics of the Magnetic Fields' "Love is like a bottle of gin" scribbled inside. she is my A#1 crush.

I haven't seen Erin perform live since moving to StL in summer of 2004. the show last night was worth the wait. it was organized by a group of undergraduate women- the Committee on Women and Art. and Erin's event was part music, part lecture, and part discussion. to hear someone that I admire and respect so much as an artist talk about politics and feminism and identity... I was completely awe-struck. it was probably one of the most intimate experiences I have ever had with someone I don't really know. hearing Erin's music, listening to her speak about herself and what she thinks and believes about issues that are important to me. I couldn't have asked for anything better. she answered a question I asked about gender presentation in her music... something I'm sure is a somewhat personal topic. but she was so candid and honest. and then closed with probably one of my all-time favorite songs of hers, "Daisy and Prudence." luckily I didn't melt onto the floor.

after the show: again, the signing of CDs. wanting to linger to talk to her more, but not wanting to be obnoxious... standing outside and staring up at the lunar eclipse. what a night! I was so amped up afterwards I didn't sleep until almost 1 am. maybe it's weird to be this intense about someone who you barely know, to make them iconic could be a bit dangerous. but Erin makes me giddy in a way I don't think I have ever felt about anyone. strange, but true. in the end, I suppose it's okay to hang on to the idea of my rock n roll gf. even if it is only beauty just because...

here I go again on my own

Happy February, everyone. Hard to believe we are 7 weeks into 2008. I've celebrated my first unattached birthday since the infamous "Super Bowl party-mullet wig-rock on plus two" incident of 2001. Luckily I had the means to do it up in style with lots of fondue and a birthday 6 pack in Park Slope, Brooklyn, NYC. good times, good times.


Valentine's was spent at Bottleworks with my peeps, proclaiming to whoever would listen that I am the most eligible lesbian in StL...

hot- check
stylish- check
smart- check
funny- check
can cook- check
excellent taste in music- check
well-read- check
has her shit together- check

the girls should come a runnin', right? yeah. sigh.

my attempts at dating so far in 2008 have been met with some success. I mean success in that at least I've been on dates. several, in fact. lots of first and second dates and really, not much progress from there. seems that to most people, dating is a lost art. not that I am an expert, by any means. I just know that I am looking for something beyond a hook-up, but much less than a LTR... dating seems to be the likely choice. unfortunately, the women I've met recently are tending towards the extremes... not that I mind having more friends. it's just not really what I am looking for at the moment.

I already have amazing friends who come over and wait till 9 pm to eat dinner b/c I under-estimated the time a new recipe would take. my friends make me laugh hysterically. and can make fun of me incessantly without making me feel bad. knitters, scientists, beer drinkers, interpretative dancers, G-chatters, cyclists, concert goers. they are my support system and I literally couldn't have done it without them.

so yeah, here I go again on my own. but I have an f-ing entourage at my back this time. and they make me feel grounded and content in who I am... and my future is that much sweeter because of it. rock on.