empty prayer, empty mouths, combien reaction

two words keep resonating for me at the moment: passion and commitment.

I look at the very short arc of my life so far and can see both. I've been passionate about education in the real world, about research and the academy. I've made commitments to both- as a high school teacher and now a graduate student hoping to return to education one day in a different vein. but making choices and commitments to those ideas were not necessarily born out of being good at them. sure, I'm a smart kid... but being an academic has never come easy to me. I am interested in too many other things to become a slave to one question, one idea. I can be distracted, impatient. most of the time I feel mediocre at best at what I do. this may be a bit of self-berating, but I say it to make a point. I love what I do and that passion doesn't stem from merely being good at it. part of the passion is because it's hard and I have to work for it.

look at the commitments people make in their lives- to career, to family, to themselves. it seems that a lot of the time people make these commitments not because they are passionate about something, but because they are willing to settle for what they're good at, for what's easy and comfortable. and some people can do amazing things easily... but that doesn't mean that they necessarily care about them. maybe this is why there are those who can walk away from moments in their lives again and again. it's not that they have a short attention span when it comes to life, that they are serial monogamists or constantly changing the color of their parachute; instead, it's because they aren't invested enough in what they do, who they're with, etc. it's not that people can't or won't or don't commit, they just do it for the wrong reasons, in the wrong way.

for me, commitment stems from caring so much about something that's hard, something that you are willing to work tirelessly to hold on to. and that's where the passion lies. instead of looking for passion in what comes easy, passion arises when you struggle to make your dreams real. the expectation that happiness will happen when and where you find comfort or connection is too simple. knowing that I have battled and placed myself out there for things and people I believe in is the essence of passion, of commitment. and I am proud to be able to say those things about myself.