hold on to nothing as fast as you can

well, here we are 2011. and I am blowing the dust off the trusty blog and writing something down. guess I'm feeling reflective (or maybe reflexive) about 2010. it was a pretty epic year for me. let's recap, shall we?

turned 30
defended thesis, got PhD
traveled solo in Costa Rica, hiked surfed and hung out with monkeys
fell in love again, over countless drinks and bike rides and shenanigans
ran first half marathon
graduated, the pomp the circumstance
didn't say goodbye, but smell ya later, to the StL
moved to another country on another continent to do the Science
imbibed in Belgium, rocked Oktoberfest
ran first full marathon
major health scare and surgery
lost my paternal grandmother to cancer, welcomed a niece and nephew
convinced EU funding agencies to give ca$h to an American postdoc

not a bad list, if I do say so myself. so where is there to go for 2011? I've been talking a lot lately on paths and choices. two weeks from my 31st birthday and I find myself wondering if I will ever move off this conveyor-belt-academic-route that has had me chugging along for the last, oh, 16 years give or take. it's not a bad path, it's just been oh-so-me-centric for so long that I've missed out on any opportunity to think with my heart instead of my head. stuck in the land where the prescribed choices are automatically the right ones. am I happy that I'm in Germany? yes, definitely. do I love the work that I am doing and think it's positioning me to maybe one day settle down and I dunno, have a AWESOME PERMANENT JOB? of course. am I starting to get a bit frustrated that I still talk about 'positionings' and 'one days' and the constant flux? maybe a little bit. believe me, I'm not complaining about the opportunities I have, about the fact that I am living an adventure that I've worked very hard to achieve. I relish in change and would be pretty bummed without it. but maybe for the first time in my life I actually would like something constant and stable, besides myself, along for the ride. crazy thought. maybe I need a goldfish?

so far 2011, I have a list of goals, all of which are totally me-centric (see, hard habit to break)...

attend 3 conferences
publish 3 papers
run 2 marathons
try racing bikes (like the eternal footman)
see more of Europe

and, maybe maybe think about doing some other things not because they are on the "future-path-list" but because they feel good, because they let me love and feel loved and think with my heart for a change. balance, it's not just for scales and yoga poses.