how do you know when to let go?

2008 is coming to a close. Let's recap some of the highlights.

I kept the house. And I got an awesome roommate.
I wrote my first paper. Still trying to get it published.
I saw a lot of shows: Laura Veirs, Erin McKeown, Jose Gonzalez, Bon Iver, The New Pornographers, Okkervil River, Kate Nash, Tegan and Sara, Ingrid Michaelson, Josh Ritter, Thao, Ladytron, Neko Case, Stars, Man Man, Wolf Parade, Calexico...
I met a ton of new people. Some of whom are now very dear to me. (MJS, this means you)
I had great fun with friends.
I went on a bunch of dates.
I made out with all kinds of people.
I was someone's RNRGF.
I biked for miles and miles and miles.
I danced late into the night.
I floated.
I camped.
I knitted.
I rollerskated.
I roadtriped.
I cooked.
I drank beer. And more beer.

All of these things and more made 2008... the year of transition. the year of independence. the year of re-learning for a new stage in my life. But some old habits die hard. For me, there will always be this persistence to hold on to situations, to people. My umpteenth fatal flaw of not letting go, of not being able to give up control. Of being personally invested in seeing things through.

So for New Year's, I suppose I need to have a chat with St. Jude and offer him all my lost causes. He should take them up, so I don't continue to clutch them too close, like a security blanket of what-if's and what-could-have-been's. How do you know when to let go? Where does the good go? Where does the good go? It's December 31st and another year ends. Time to embrace the promise and change of the next one. And the lost causes, the things that are so hard for me to give up on, can I put them aside and start fresh? I would like to say yes. I really would.

Resolve resolving resolved.

All I want for Christmas is ME

Once again, I find myself entrenched in the holiday season. And while I am feeling a bit more in the spirit of things compared to last December, I still haven't managed to figure out what to do with myself as a single person during this time of year. For all the personal-life-bitching posted herein, I do heart being single. I like the fact that I can work late without worrying about someone waiting on dinner for me. That my free time is spent partying it up with friends at art openings and indie shows, food and drink abounding. That I get to do what I want, when I want. All the time. Period.

In the past, Christmastime meant finding time to be with family and figuring out gifts. Who gets what and when will we see everyone. It was arranging schedules, divvying up parties and housewarmings. Baking. Decorating. Sending out the yearly card. So much about the holidays involves doing stuff with a significant person, be it a spouse or a child or a best friend. Makes it hard for someone still finding her footing as an individual unit to navigate. My solution so far has been to avoid it as much as possible by working all the time. When I need a break, I buy gifts online. I haven't touched an ornament since the Keepsake Divorce of 2007. I wonder if Hallmark makes a bauble for that event... Not to be mistaken for a total Scrooge, I typically manage some cookie baking with awesome friends. And a few festive occasions out on the town. Of course, I'll head to Nashvegas for the usual Webb family festivities, which are always a good time.

But in the end, I'm just not that into it right now. Like the scene in "The Polar Express" where the parents can't hear the bell from Santa's sleigh. So what if I'm RSVPing for New Year's parties as "Jaded, party of one"- I feel okay about it.