I traded all the innocence I ever had for hesitation

I'd like to offer up some recent thematic reprises in the RO+2 story arc:

• Live music crackrock perfection
  

Now: Neko Case, Stars, and karaoke at Talayana's
Then: Holidaze, somewhere in the middle you fall, 5 days, 3 shows

• Autumnal revelries with my best peeps
  

Now: Best of MO/Shaw Art Fair, apple picking, local foods, impending Midwestern road trips
Then: really good short story, return of the prodigal daughter

• Dating- Good times and/or vast abyss of confusion
  

Now: ?!?@?@?!&&%%$! (i.e. at a loss for words, both positive and negative)
Then: Sorry I was cruel, when I'm drunk it's easy...

Lately I've been doing my share of negotiating of now vs. then. Old comfortable friends with new acquaintances. Wrapping up old projects, while moving on to new ones. Being a scientist-educator-activist, but trying to maintain my play-hard mantra. It's easy to get weighed down in worrying about balance, about doing the right thing at the right time, about what other people want. Negotiating self with all those little external pieces that fit in around and complement who you are. It's easy to get stuck and hesitate. Thinking about the last year, I keep coming back to moments when I realize that at the end of the day, all that matters is just me. How I feel sometimes about everything and everyone else- overwhelmed, frustrated, blissful, content, all of the above- doesn't necessarily have to equate with where I am in my life. My happiness is not wrapped up in these things I find elsewhere. And my happiness can't be diminished by them. Focus in the moment becomes key. And for that, negotiation is negligible... it's simply about remembering that I can only be true to myself.