yesterday I said, in the aftermath of a rather embarrassing freak-out prompted by the canceling of plans, that friendship and attraction do not a relationship make.
Do I believe this? Yeah.
Am I looking for a relationship at the moment? No, not really.
And maybe expecting that people I want to spend time with will equally want to spend that time with me is too much... maybe that is "relationship-y," the idea of companionship. I rather enjoy the company of certain individuals, and I must say that I have reacted selfishly, like a petulant child, when I can't get what I want. even when that is only someone else's time... that is what matters to me right now. I feel like time is the most important thing anyone can give to another person- I value my time and expect others do as well... my feelings get hurt when someone doesn't recognize the gift of time or doesn't believe that I am worthy of hers. yes, things come up, shitty days and what-not. but it shouldn't take much to convey the idea that you and your time are worth something to me (without freaking out), and vice versa.
I don't need anything beyond friendship and attraction... sure physicality and intimacy are key at times. but I am not searching for profound emotional declarations. I'm not looking for three small words. I just want to enjoy what seems like a good thing, however fleeting. why can't I relax and let that be? I hate being so out of practice at this...
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2 comments:
"I feel like time is the most important thing anyone can give to another person.
Agreed - you need to give this gift to yourself. It takes "time" to recover from trauma and it's something only you can do. Don't be discouraged when every day can be a step forward. Just keep moving, enjoy the moments when you can and take the "time" you need.
good luck
8 months later, I don't see myself as still "recovering from trauma"- instead, I see myself simply living life as I have always been, but with new perspective about what makes me who I am. events occurring around me haven't changed that; they have only further solidified my knowledge of self and how to be content with that. recovery in and of itself is passive- I have long since moved beyond that to bigger things.
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