sorry I was cruel; I was protecting myself

On the eve of my birthday I saw Laura Veirs play in the basement of a bar in Park Slope. I didn't have tickets, but hung around the entrance to the room and finally sweet-talked the woman managing the door into taking my $10 and letting me inside. I squeezed in between the couples and the Brooklyn hipsters, rocking back and forth on their expensive trainers, just as she was taking the stage. This was my first time seeing Veirs live, though I've known her music for a while. My friend Alissa is practically a dead ringer for her and it's kinda a running joke between us. I spent my undergrad years going to shows in venues like this across the North East and MidAtlanic- tiny, idyllic, intimate places with wood paneling or tin ceilings, an ancient bar tucked away in the back. And while Feist was my first solo show in ages (see holidaze), the Veirs show really brought me back to what it was like being in a crowd, closing my eyes, letting the music wash over me, feeling like if I fell... the moment would swoop in and support me. She was lovely and ephemeral. I walked back along the tree-lined streets to Ms Nola's apartment perfectly content. I wrote an email that night proclaiming that if there is an afterlife, mine is filled with good beer, cobalt glass, perfectly smoothed pebbles, and female singer-songwriters.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am honest and open about how I feel and what I think. Probably to a fault. It seems that these qualities get me into trouble more often than not. Over the last 6 months I have been learning to do more to protect myself and how I feel. This doesn't mean that I've put my heart away or have stopped being up-front about my opinions. But I think I am finally in a place in my life where I have realized that while I may not have complete control over what happens around me, I do chose how I let it affect me. And maybe that means I still push too hard, that I still put myself out there too much. But I know now, that at the end of the day, I need to take care of myself first. And that other people's issues and perspectives, while no less valuable, cannot dictate what is best for me. This has been a major challenge. Even if all of this protection and distance is valid, it still makes me feel like a jerk most of the time. I like connecting with people. When I feel like I can't do that, or I have to limit it, I get frustrated. So for now, I know that what I'm doing is the best for me... but it's kinda like a kid being told to eat her vegetables because they're good for her. I'm going to do it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.