taking the long way around

It's been two long years now since the top of the world came crashing down...

Hard to believe, huh? I think so. And funny that I have been waiting to write THE post for some time now... I bought this album at Phonoluxe over Labor Day weekend two years ago when I went to visit my family in Nashville with the passenger seat holding a bike instead of a person. How was I to know that these songs would become anthems in a matter of weeks. Ones which truly helped pull me through fall and winter of 2007.

So now what? I'm here, well on the other side, what do I have to show or say for it? I guess I have been planning to post these thoughts as a final catharsis... not really the ultimate f-you (though sometimes I do want desperately to have the opportunity to NOT be the bigger person), but more like a positive reflection on how much I've grown, gotten stronger, rediscovered and become even happier and more comfortable as myself. It's been a surprising and wonderful journey.

Work. The first thing my advisor asked me, as I was crying my eyes out in his office, was "Does this affect you getting your PhD?" Of course I immediately said no, that I really wanted to continue with school and the career I was building. It seemed like a silly question, but in retrospect a very thoughtful and caring one for him to ask me. As it was the start of my 4th year of grad school, I was already working long hours... suddenly the prospects of therapy, dealing with the breaking up of a 6+ year partnership and household, and all the following repercussions of getting one's OWN life back would have to share time with experiments and data analysis. If I didn't really want my PhD, going through all of the bs AND work probably would have been more than I could handle. Now I have a first author publication in a high-impact journal, a thesis defense on the horizon (January? timed to coincide with my 30th birthday...), and post-doc interviews at world-renowned institutions at home and abroad.

Friends. Surrounding myself with people I care about has never been a challenge. I have always made friends easily; I enjoy meeting new people. Occasionally I find someone I truly connect with and being around them is like a drug; it's hard to get enough. I wasn't really worried about losing friends... and was actually unaware how many of our friends were, in all actuality, my friends. This is not to say that there was some easy transition to single life. I took a lot of time for me... and to spend with other people. Being social needed to become a priority again. It's one that always seems to wane in the complacency of coupledom. I had to remember that I enjoy going out. I had to relearn how to roll with wherever an evening takes you... dancing till 3 am at sketchy karaoke bars or watching barges on the Mississippi in the moonlight. I revel now in an even larger network of friends in StL than I have ever had. Friends from all different backgrounds and scenes and places. Friends that I have made as an adult and as someone happy in her life. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Dating. Readers of this blog will know that I have not been a slacker in this department... ahem. But in all seriousness, I've found each person I've encountered, however brief, has helped me learn a bit more about how to BE with people. Dating in college, as I've said before, was a totally different beast. As adults, the rules seem to become a bit more flexible on some things and less so for others. There are forgivenesses and deal-breakers. In my case, I remain the girl who must always be painfully honest and believes in the inherent goodness of everyone. I have, however, come a long way in protecting myself from being walked on. It's a delicate balance of heart-on-sleeve vulnerability, tempered with a bit more knowledge and experience and maybe, god forbid, a little patience. I think this perspective will continue to serve me well... in the now and with whomever may show up down the line.

Life and Self. I love my life. I enjoy the work I do. I am surrounded by amazing, talented, brilliant, beautiful people every day. I still find moments of connection and intimacy that surprise me. I am more cognizant of who I am in the world and what I want than ever before. I have a new appreciation for PEOPLE... beyond gender, beyond labels. It may have taken 2 years to get here, but what a trip! For everyone who has played a part in this journey, small or large, you have my sincerest gratitude.

Thank you.