more songs with whistling please!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
push it
Those who know me from my teacher days remember that I like to use metaphors to explain "big picture" ideas in science... well, the reverse is also true. Life can be described by science concepts just as easily. If you're around me long enough you realize I have a tendency to geek out on everyday things. Take last week for example: while drinking a koozied PBR chased with nips of Jamie from a monogrammed flask, overlooking the moonlit fountains of Forest Park's Grand Basin from Art Hill, I waxed philosophical about my "beyond karma" view of how I try to live my life. Here goes...
In chemical reactions, rarely does the system transition to completion. In other words, the amounts of reactants and products move back and forth until some kind of equilibrium is reached. But both sides ALWAYS exist. The same could be said for good and bad things in one's life. They co-exist so you have to take them both together. But as with a system at chemical equilibrium, you can drive the reaction in one way or another. Le Chatelier's principle states that given a chemical reaction at equilibrium, you can force the direction of the reaction to one side by altering certain properties. So you raise the temperature. Or you increase the pressure. Or you change the concentration. Given that stress the system is pushed away from equilibrium and to produce more of one side at the expense of the other. In life, I am looking for ways that I can be in the world that drive the reaction to the good side. It's not a passive act, like karma, where we believe that putting good out into the world is enough to get more good to come back our way at some point in the future... There will always be balance of good and bad; you can't wait around thinking that doing good will always be enough to push your life away from the bad stuff that happens. You have to change the bad into good... you have to work against equilibrium in some way.
Make it happen.
In chemical reactions, rarely does the system transition to completion. In other words, the amounts of reactants and products move back and forth until some kind of equilibrium is reached. But both sides ALWAYS exist. The same could be said for good and bad things in one's life. They co-exist so you have to take them both together. But as with a system at chemical equilibrium, you can drive the reaction in one way or another. Le Chatelier's principle states that given a chemical reaction at equilibrium, you can force the direction of the reaction to one side by altering certain properties. So you raise the temperature. Or you increase the pressure. Or you change the concentration. Given that stress the system is pushed away from equilibrium and to produce more of one side at the expense of the other. In life, I am looking for ways that I can be in the world that drive the reaction to the good side. It's not a passive act, like karma, where we believe that putting good out into the world is enough to get more good to come back our way at some point in the future... There will always be balance of good and bad; you can't wait around thinking that doing good will always be enough to push your life away from the bad stuff that happens. You have to change the bad into good... you have to work against equilibrium in some way.
Make it happen.
Monday, September 7, 2009
taking the long way around
It's been two long years now since the top of the world came crashing down...
Hard to believe, huh? I think so. And funny that I have been waiting to write THE post for some time now... I bought this album at Phonoluxe over Labor Day weekend two years ago when I went to visit my family in Nashville with the passenger seat holding a bike instead of a person. How was I to know that these songs would become anthems in a matter of weeks. Ones which truly helped pull me through fall and winter of 2007.
So now what? I'm here, well on the other side, what do I have to show or say for it? I guess I have been planning to post these thoughts as a final catharsis... not really the ultimate f-you (though sometimes I do want desperately to have the opportunity to NOT be the bigger person), but more like a positive reflection on how much I've grown, gotten stronger, rediscovered and become even happier and more comfortable as myself. It's been a surprising and wonderful journey.
Work. The first thing my advisor asked me, as I was crying my eyes out in his office, was "Does this affect you getting your PhD?" Of course I immediately said no, that I really wanted to continue with school and the career I was building. It seemed like a silly question, but in retrospect a very thoughtful and caring one for him to ask me. As it was the start of my 4th year of grad school, I was already working long hours... suddenly the prospects of therapy, dealing with the breaking up of a 6+ year partnership and household, and all the following repercussions of getting one's OWN life back would have to share time with experiments and data analysis. If I didn't really want my PhD, going through all of the bs AND work probably would have been more than I could handle. Now I have a first author publication in a high-impact journal, a thesis defense on the horizon (January? timed to coincide with my 30th birthday...), and post-doc interviews at world-renowned institutions at home and abroad.
Friends. Surrounding myself with people I care about has never been a challenge. I have always made friends easily; I enjoy meeting new people. Occasionally I find someone I truly connect with and being around them is like a drug; it's hard to get enough. I wasn't really worried about losing friends... and was actually unaware how many of our friends were, in all actuality, my friends. This is not to say that there was some easy transition to single life. I took a lot of time for me... and to spend with other people. Being social needed to become a priority again. It's one that always seems to wane in the complacency of coupledom. I had to remember that I enjoy going out. I had to relearn how to roll with wherever an evening takes you... dancing till 3 am at sketchy karaoke bars or watching barges on the Mississippi in the moonlight. I revel now in an even larger network of friends in StL than I have ever had. Friends from all different backgrounds and scenes and places. Friends that I have made as an adult and as someone happy in her life. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Dating. Readers of this blog will know that I have not been a slacker in this department... ahem. But in all seriousness, I've found each person I've encountered, however brief, has helped me learn a bit more about how to BE with people. Dating in college, as I've said before, was a totally different beast. As adults, the rules seem to become a bit more flexible on some things and less so for others. There are forgivenesses and deal-breakers. In my case, I remain the girl who must always be painfully honest and believes in the inherent goodness of everyone. I have, however, come a long way in protecting myself from being walked on. It's a delicate balance of heart-on-sleeve vulnerability, tempered with a bit more knowledge and experience and maybe, god forbid, a little patience. I think this perspective will continue to serve me well... in the now and with whomever may show up down the line.
Life and Self. I love my life. I enjoy the work I do. I am surrounded by amazing, talented, brilliant, beautiful people every day. I still find moments of connection and intimacy that surprise me. I am more cognizant of who I am in the world and what I want than ever before. I have a new appreciation for PEOPLE... beyond gender, beyond labels. It may have taken 2 years to get here, but what a trip! For everyone who has played a part in this journey, small or large, you have my sincerest gratitude.
Thank you.
Hard to believe, huh? I think so. And funny that I have been waiting to write THE post for some time now... I bought this album at Phonoluxe over Labor Day weekend two years ago when I went to visit my family in Nashville with the passenger seat holding a bike instead of a person. How was I to know that these songs would become anthems in a matter of weeks. Ones which truly helped pull me through fall and winter of 2007.
So now what? I'm here, well on the other side, what do I have to show or say for it? I guess I have been planning to post these thoughts as a final catharsis... not really the ultimate f-you (though sometimes I do want desperately to have the opportunity to NOT be the bigger person), but more like a positive reflection on how much I've grown, gotten stronger, rediscovered and become even happier and more comfortable as myself. It's been a surprising and wonderful journey.
Work. The first thing my advisor asked me, as I was crying my eyes out in his office, was "Does this affect you getting your PhD?" Of course I immediately said no, that I really wanted to continue with school and the career I was building. It seemed like a silly question, but in retrospect a very thoughtful and caring one for him to ask me. As it was the start of my 4th year of grad school, I was already working long hours... suddenly the prospects of therapy, dealing with the breaking up of a 6+ year partnership and household, and all the following repercussions of getting one's OWN life back would have to share time with experiments and data analysis. If I didn't really want my PhD, going through all of the bs AND work probably would have been more than I could handle. Now I have a first author publication in a high-impact journal, a thesis defense on the horizon (January? timed to coincide with my 30th birthday...), and post-doc interviews at world-renowned institutions at home and abroad.
Friends. Surrounding myself with people I care about has never been a challenge. I have always made friends easily; I enjoy meeting new people. Occasionally I find someone I truly connect with and being around them is like a drug; it's hard to get enough. I wasn't really worried about losing friends... and was actually unaware how many of our friends were, in all actuality, my friends. This is not to say that there was some easy transition to single life. I took a lot of time for me... and to spend with other people. Being social needed to become a priority again. It's one that always seems to wane in the complacency of coupledom. I had to remember that I enjoy going out. I had to relearn how to roll with wherever an evening takes you... dancing till 3 am at sketchy karaoke bars or watching barges on the Mississippi in the moonlight. I revel now in an even larger network of friends in StL than I have ever had. Friends from all different backgrounds and scenes and places. Friends that I have made as an adult and as someone happy in her life. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Dating. Readers of this blog will know that I have not been a slacker in this department... ahem. But in all seriousness, I've found each person I've encountered, however brief, has helped me learn a bit more about how to BE with people. Dating in college, as I've said before, was a totally different beast. As adults, the rules seem to become a bit more flexible on some things and less so for others. There are forgivenesses and deal-breakers. In my case, I remain the girl who must always be painfully honest and believes in the inherent goodness of everyone. I have, however, come a long way in protecting myself from being walked on. It's a delicate balance of heart-on-sleeve vulnerability, tempered with a bit more knowledge and experience and maybe, god forbid, a little patience. I think this perspective will continue to serve me well... in the now and with whomever may show up down the line.
Life and Self. I love my life. I enjoy the work I do. I am surrounded by amazing, talented, brilliant, beautiful people every day. I still find moments of connection and intimacy that surprise me. I am more cognizant of who I am in the world and what I want than ever before. I have a new appreciation for PEOPLE... beyond gender, beyond labels. It may have taken 2 years to get here, but what a trip! For everyone who has played a part in this journey, small or large, you have my sincerest gratitude.
Thank you.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
I'll write you a letter tomorrow...
Hey,
Something is missing. Can I talk to you about it? Or talk to you about anything, really. I miss our conversations. That's all I ever needed with you. A couple of beers, some laughs and a conversation.
Not that I don't have plenty of people to talk to. Hell, I have a whole internet's worth up in here. Can I say this without it being misread? Can I say this without opening myself up to an onslaught of assumptions?
You are what's missing. There. I said it. And it's that simple. I think we should be part of each others' lives in some way or another. It doesn't have to be complicated. No regrets, just a choice that I would have made differently had I known what was at stake... what there was to lose.
Maybe it's naive of me to think that you would care the same amount about our friendship that I do. Maybe it's masochistic to continue to set myself up to be hurt or disappointed when the former statement turns out not to be the case. Especially when I have so many others in my life who go above and beyond that call. You could say it's a feeling in my gut, that I have always believed you to be better than you sometimes see yourself. Faith in the inherent goodness of people... so I'm still holding out for you.
Sincerely,
ABW
Something is missing. Can I talk to you about it? Or talk to you about anything, really. I miss our conversations. That's all I ever needed with you. A couple of beers, some laughs and a conversation.
Not that I don't have plenty of people to talk to. Hell, I have a whole internet's worth up in here. Can I say this without it being misread? Can I say this without opening myself up to an onslaught of assumptions?
You are what's missing. There. I said it. And it's that simple. I think we should be part of each others' lives in some way or another. It doesn't have to be complicated. No regrets, just a choice that I would have made differently had I known what was at stake... what there was to lose.
Maybe it's naive of me to think that you would care the same amount about our friendship that I do. Maybe it's masochistic to continue to set myself up to be hurt or disappointed when the former statement turns out not to be the case. Especially when I have so many others in my life who go above and beyond that call. You could say it's a feeling in my gut, that I have always believed you to be better than you sometimes see yourself. Faith in the inherent goodness of people... so I'm still holding out for you.
Sincerely,
ABW
Sunday, June 14, 2009
walking with the ghost
During the Democratic primary campaign I blogged about my problems with candidate Obama's "big tent" platform that touted inclusion of individuals who support "praying away the gay" to cure us silly queers of our "lifestyle choices"... As I said before, I take no issue with a person's religious beliefs; however, I think that those who preach discrimination and hate based on sexual orientation have no place in progressive politics. This position cast a lingering specter for me, even after he received the nomination: would President Obama truly support rights of LGBT Americans, a position at odds with others in his "more inclusive" vision of the Democratic caucus?
With the passing of Prop 8 in CA last November it seemed that any gains that the LGBT community felt with the election of Obama were bittersweet.
But we took heart and listened as President-elect Obama continued to press that he would be a fierce advocate for our community and we waited for the administration to make progress on its promises to change misguided policies like DADT and DOMA...
Enter almost Summer 2009. Six states now (or will soon) recognize same-sex marriages (though not CA). And our fierce advocate, the Obama administration? It's moved repeal of DADT to the back-burner and released a legal brief in support of DOMA, silently, and rather Bush-like, early Friday morning.
WHAT the ??!?!?!
Rachel Maddow's take on DADT
And the extensive analysis of the appalling Justice Dept brief that spares no ink in telling us how DOMA doesn't violate LGBT American's rights over at Americablog.
I'm not one to say "told you so" but...
With the passing of Prop 8 in CA last November it seemed that any gains that the LGBT community felt with the election of Obama were bittersweet.
But we took heart and listened as President-elect Obama continued to press that he would be a fierce advocate for our community and we waited for the administration to make progress on its promises to change misguided policies like DADT and DOMA...
Enter almost Summer 2009. Six states now (or will soon) recognize same-sex marriages (though not CA). And our fierce advocate, the Obama administration? It's moved repeal of DADT to the back-burner and released a legal brief in support of DOMA, silently, and rather Bush-like, early Friday morning.
WHAT the ??!?!?!
Rachel Maddow's take on DADT
And the extensive analysis of the appalling Justice Dept brief that spares no ink in telling us how DOMA doesn't violate LGBT American's rights over at Americablog.
I'm not one to say "told you so" but...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Alouette, gentille Alouette
Praise the French Canadians! Last week Jen and I attended the monthly Newstead Tower Pub beer dinner, aptly named the Dinner du Cochon Rose, or Dinner of the Pink Pig. It featured beer from my favorite Quebecois brewery, Unibroue who specialize in Belgian-style ales, and four courses of pure pork deliciousness care of chef Anthony Devoti and the hogs of Benne's Farm. Some tasting notes and a little inspired film clip for your consumption.
Course Un: Pork cake, current jam, micro greens, and a fried egg. Served with Don de Dieu.
We started off with appetizer more akin to breakfast than dinner. The pork cake (oh, you mean like a crab cake and not a pastry cake? I get it now! Jen laughed at me...) was spicy, nicely balanced with the sweet-tart current jam, and made even more decadent by mixing in bites of farm fresh egg yolk. Don de Dieu is a "we mean business" sort of wheat ale, weighing in at 9% ABV. It was hard to believe that this deliciousness could be topped.
Course Deux: Charcuterie of house-made coppa, prosciutto, and pate with warm whole wheat baguette and stone-ground mustard. Served with Maudite.
The second course was killer... I mean, how can you go wrong with a plate of meat? With two types of a pate (Grandma's, a bit more gamey but still good, and Champagne, with nuts and dried fruit) Jen and I quickly realized that we were going to need more bread. The mustard, while a favorite, was found to be unnecessary and sometimes masked the flavor of the pork. I think my combination of pate, mustard, and topped with prosciutto was the ultimate trifecta. Why yes, I do like pork with my pork! Maudite would be my second choice for a stuck-on-a-desert-island-with-only-one Unibroue beer. Which means it's outstanding. Bonus points for it being on draft at Newstead. As a deep red ale, it paired perfectly.
Course Trois: Pulled pork served on brioche toast, roasted pork loin with horseradish mashed potatoes, "franks and beans"- house-made pork sausage with white bean puree. Served with Chambly Noire.
The main course was a "tasting" of pork prepared three different ways... each a bit of a tongue-and-cheek take (pardon the slight pun) on traditional dishes. The pulled pork tasted similar to the pork cake with the addition of a vinegary sauce and the toasted brioche "bun." The pork loin was tender and tasty, though I'm not sure what in the marinade was for it... maybe mustard seed? The horseradish mashed potatoes were incredible. Creamy and not too over-powering. Finally, buttery, sage-y sausage and white bean puree. Simple and delicious. And something I think I will attempt to make at home. I was new to the Chambly Noire, but I do love a good black beer. This one was similar to many Schwartzbiers (a German style) I've had previously. It was toasty and balanced and subtle and lower alcohol. All of which made the main course more about the flavors of the food... which, I think, is as it should be.
Course Quatre: House-smoked bacon with Stilton blue cheese ice cream, drizzled with black truffle honey. Served with La Fin du Monde.
By this point Jen and I were pleasantly stuffed and I was well on my way to being tipsy. (Jen was driving and therefore giving me the extra pours offered to us by one of the lovely Newstead bartenders, Jessica.) How were we going to finish dessert? I was really excited for this course, as La Fin du Monde is in my top-five-all-time-favorite beers. SO TASTY. If anything was going to motivate me, that was! But the dessert itself was amazing and unlike anything I've tasted. Blue cheese ice cream was creamy and sharp and slightly sweet. When combined with the honey with bits of shaved black truffle floating in it, the sweetness intensified but did not hide the tang of the blue cheese. The salty, crunchy bacon was an outstanding topping, adding another layer of flavor and complexity to the experience. All of this with the best beer ever: a body with fruit, hops, yeast, intense carbonation. I was in heaven. As I've said before it's La Fin du Monde (as we know it), and I feel fine...
As a final treat, I'd like to share a clip that we discussed at length over dinner. Praise the French Canadians... and praise their beer!
Course Un: Pork cake, current jam, micro greens, and a fried egg. Served with Don de Dieu.
We started off with appetizer more akin to breakfast than dinner. The pork cake (oh, you mean like a crab cake and not a pastry cake? I get it now! Jen laughed at me...) was spicy, nicely balanced with the sweet-tart current jam, and made even more decadent by mixing in bites of farm fresh egg yolk. Don de Dieu is a "we mean business" sort of wheat ale, weighing in at 9% ABV. It was hard to believe that this deliciousness could be topped.
Course Deux: Charcuterie of house-made coppa, prosciutto, and pate with warm whole wheat baguette and stone-ground mustard. Served with Maudite.
The second course was killer... I mean, how can you go wrong with a plate of meat? With two types of a pate (Grandma's, a bit more gamey but still good, and Champagne, with nuts and dried fruit) Jen and I quickly realized that we were going to need more bread. The mustard, while a favorite, was found to be unnecessary and sometimes masked the flavor of the pork. I think my combination of pate, mustard, and topped with prosciutto was the ultimate trifecta. Why yes, I do like pork with my pork! Maudite would be my second choice for a stuck-on-a-desert-island-with-only-one Unibroue beer. Which means it's outstanding. Bonus points for it being on draft at Newstead. As a deep red ale, it paired perfectly.
Course Trois: Pulled pork served on brioche toast, roasted pork loin with horseradish mashed potatoes, "franks and beans"- house-made pork sausage with white bean puree. Served with Chambly Noire.
The main course was a "tasting" of pork prepared three different ways... each a bit of a tongue-and-cheek take (pardon the slight pun) on traditional dishes. The pulled pork tasted similar to the pork cake with the addition of a vinegary sauce and the toasted brioche "bun." The pork loin was tender and tasty, though I'm not sure what in the marinade was for it... maybe mustard seed? The horseradish mashed potatoes were incredible. Creamy and not too over-powering. Finally, buttery, sage-y sausage and white bean puree. Simple and delicious. And something I think I will attempt to make at home. I was new to the Chambly Noire, but I do love a good black beer. This one was similar to many Schwartzbiers (a German style) I've had previously. It was toasty and balanced and subtle and lower alcohol. All of which made the main course more about the flavors of the food... which, I think, is as it should be.
Course Quatre: House-smoked bacon with Stilton blue cheese ice cream, drizzled with black truffle honey. Served with La Fin du Monde.
By this point Jen and I were pleasantly stuffed and I was well on my way to being tipsy. (Jen was driving and therefore giving me the extra pours offered to us by one of the lovely Newstead bartenders, Jessica.) How were we going to finish dessert? I was really excited for this course, as La Fin du Monde is in my top-five-all-time-favorite beers. SO TASTY. If anything was going to motivate me, that was! But the dessert itself was amazing and unlike anything I've tasted. Blue cheese ice cream was creamy and sharp and slightly sweet. When combined with the honey with bits of shaved black truffle floating in it, the sweetness intensified but did not hide the tang of the blue cheese. The salty, crunchy bacon was an outstanding topping, adding another layer of flavor and complexity to the experience. All of this with the best beer ever: a body with fruit, hops, yeast, intense carbonation. I was in heaven. As I've said before it's La Fin du Monde (as we know it), and I feel fine...
As a final treat, I'd like to share a clip that we discussed at length over dinner. Praise the French Canadians... and praise their beer!
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