rock on plus two

hold on to nothing as fast as you can

2011-01-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

well, here we are 2011. and I am blowing the dust off the trusty blog and writing something down. guess I'm feeling reflective (or maybe reflexive) about 2010. it was a pretty epic year for me. let's recap, shall we?

turned 30
defended thesis, got PhD
traveled solo in Costa Rica, hiked surfed and hung out with monkeys
fell in love again, over countless drinks and bike rides and shenanigans
ran first half marathon
graduated, the pomp the circumstance
didn't say goodbye, but smell ya later, to the StL
moved to another country on another continent to do the Science
imbibed in Belgium, rocked Oktoberfest
ran first full marathon
major health scare and surgery
lost my paternal grandmother to cancer, welcomed a niece and nephew
convinced EU funding agencies to give ca$h to an American postdoc

not a bad list, if I do say so myself. so where is there to go for 2011? I've been talking a lot lately on paths and choices. two weeks from my 31st birthday and I find myself wondering if I will ever move off this conveyor-belt-academic-route that has had me chugging along for the last, oh, 16 years give or take. it's not a bad path, it's just been oh-so-me-centric for so long that I've missed out on any opportunity to think with my heart instead of my head. stuck in the land where the prescribed choices are automatically the right ones. am I happy that I'm in Germany? yes, definitely. do I love the work that I am doing and think it's positioning me to maybe one day settle down and I dunno, have a AWESOME PERMANENT JOB? of course. am I starting to get a bit frustrated that I still talk about 'positionings' and 'one days' and the constant flux? maybe a little bit. believe me, I'm not complaining about the opportunities I have, about the fact that I am living an adventure that I've worked very hard to achieve. I relish in change and would be pretty bummed without it. but maybe for the first time in my life I actually would like something constant and stable, besides myself, along for the ride. crazy thought. maybe I need a goldfish?

so far 2011, I have a list of goals, all of which are totally me-centric (see, hard habit to break)...

attend 3 conferences
publish 3 papers
run 2 marathons
try racing bikes (like the eternal footman)
see more of Europe

and, maybe maybe think about doing some other things not because they are on the "future-path-list" but because they feel good, because they let me love and feel loved and think with my heart for a change. balance, it's not just for scales and yoga poses.

you take it on the run, baby

2010-08-08T05:16:00.000-07:00

the last month has been a busy one... as evidenced by the lack of posts. I've been here now going on 8 weeks. I finally have my own place: a 2-floor or "masionette" style apartment with an amazing view in the Neustadt, the bohemian-bar-cafe-shopping area that became the heart of Dresden after the bombings destroyed most of the rest of the city. It's great to be in walking distance to so many different distractions. My street, Görlitzer, features among other things, a art house movie theater and a bar named Lebowski. Yes, that sort of Lebowski... are you thinking white Russians? I have yet to venture in, but there's always a crowd and the drinks are purported to be stiff. The Cohen Bros would approve.

View of Görlitzer Str. from the top floor of my apartment

another event occupied several nights in July... the Scheune Schaubuden Sommer festival. I have never experienced anything quite like it. 10 days of theater, dance, cabaret, comedy, music, film... I saw American and Austrailian comics, a Swiss troupe whose finale featured an Elephant singing "Personal Jesus" accompanied by baritone and electric ukulele, a cast of clowns as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse performing songs about death, and a lizard puppet act that included one of the best pick-up lines I've heard. obviously, it was auf Deutsch, but it went a little something like this:

Die Echse: (to a girl in the audience) According to my watch, you're not wearing any underwear. Is this true?
Girl: No, sorry.
Die Echse: Hmm. Maybe I should tell you that my watch is two hours fast...

Buff Papier at Schaubuden Sommer

finally, as I've been deprived of long road rides (so missing that and my cycling friends from the StL...), I've been running a lot instead. actually, I've decided to run the Dresden Marathon in October. 6 weeks into training now and I've already clocked 86 miles total. running has given me a way to explore the city - it's definitely the most scenic place I've ever lived. whether I am running along the Elbe or through the historic buildings of Altstadt, it makes the miles pass faster... though, I should be thinking in kilometers now!

until 2014...

2010-07-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that I am starting my 4th week here in Dresden. Thankfully, my arrival coincided with the World Cup. One makes fast friends when one enjoys sports and rooting for the home team, not to mention beer drinking...

Some documentation of the many Deutschland matches I've attended:

Watching the Group of 16 match against England

The crowd celebrates the first goal in the quarterfinal against Argentina

Many a frei bier at Waldschlösschen - 8 in all over 2 matches

The only picture I took the night of the loss to Spain at the Red Rooster...

The crowd at Fähregarten celebrates the small final victory over Uruguay

the CBG and me

2010-07-04T03:58:00.000-07:00

Here's a little tour around my new work digs. The building, designed by Finish and German architects, has housed about 400 scientists from over 30 countries comprising 25 research groups since 2001 in its unique space. The MPI-CBG also brought about the "Dresden Model" - a research institution that limits hierarchy of resources for the better pursuit of science.

The Germans call the ground floor the Eingang or entrance, not level 1 - which means working on the 4th floor means I climb up 4 flights of stairs to get to lab.

Can't do the science without the caffeine!

Or something to eat. Our canteen serves pretty good food. And it's subsidized, so it's a bargain!

long, hot Dresden summer

2010-06-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

Priessnitz Str 35. Maybe my future apartmet?

What with a major move, it's time to brush the cobwebs off and start blogging again. I arrived in Dresden on Monday for my postdoc stint here (1-3 years) and am busy settling in. Getting to know my new lab, making friends, looking for apartments and a bike, and lots of paperwork. Seems that a summer is the best time to be in Dresden. The days are long and the temps are a good 20 degrees cooler than in the Lou. Highs of 75 everyday? Don't mind if I do... Festivals, encouraged outdoor drinking, and the World Cup seem to fuel the fire. I was told over my umpteenth grosse Hefeweizen last night (omg, so so so good and I am not a Hefe drinker, usually) that Dresdeners party all summer, only waking up from their bacchanal in September to find their flats (in daylight) dirty and smelling of stale beer. I think I'm going to like it here.

On Louisenstrasse in Neustadt

Flea market along the Elbe

Biergarten overlooking the Elbe

USA World Cuppage, er Steinage

neko case and the pantheon of heavy metal gods

2009-11-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

I think for every stretch of life, there's a defining set of music. For me, adolescence was REM, sparked by my father's love of college radio. my early 20s... the indie rock bliss of Belle and Sebastian. circa-25 was the Replacements, rowdy and unapologetic. and now, as I wrap up my 3rd decade, no one speaks to me more than one Ms. Neko Case.

I would trade you my empire for ashes.

Neko has played StL twice in the last 2 years. I have been lucky enough to take in both shows from the balcony of the Pageant (alternating stage left and right) with women I am proud to call some of my closest friends here. And while many of the songs were the same, these were unique experiences in many respects.

Contrasting the two, I'd say that the first show took on a much more melancholy vibe... likely because of our emotional states at the time... but that's another story. And Neko was chill, almost somber compared to the more recent show, playing a mix of old stuff and really highlighting the new songs from the upcoming record that was to be released in spring of 2009. Not sure what substances, illegal or otherwise, were consumed before they took the stage the other week, but Neko et al were downright punchy this time. The running joke of the evening was "metal" and where each song fell amongst the pantheon of metal gods. There was also a brief interlude regarding Cannibal Corpse, complete with random voiceover in British accent by Ms. Case.

Other highlights included the running tally of Neko's hair tucks (gotta love a nervous habit... HOT) and the tornado playing phone-a-friend to share the last song of the set. Of course we all sang along to our favorites, the checklist of what we wanted to hear. For her cover of Harry Nielsen's "Don't forget me" there was swaying... arms around each other... taking in the moment. I'm putting that song on my "Goodbye StL" mix. And there will probably be some tears.

The Neko shows v.1 and v.2 will go down as some of my fonder recent memories... Good friends. Beautiful songs. An amazing voice.

That's SO metal.

so here's your future

2009-10-27T19:37:00.001-07:00

So it's official. I'm moving to Dresden, Germany next June for a post-doc at the Max Planck. This was a really tough decision, as I had three incredible offers to choose from. Turning down Johns Hopkins and Cambridge was not an easy thing to do. However, I am really excited about joining Andy Oates' lab at the MPI and starting to work on zebrafish! The work will be a nice complement to and extension of my graduate training in circadian biology. I will be looking at single cell clocks in a new model system and in development... With the "pull" in place, it's now time to buckle down finish that pesky thesis!

crank it

2009-09-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Some pics from last weekend's 2nd place finish @ Crank and Click 2 to benefit Trailnet... mad photo creds to one D.Henline, who didn't mind pedaling with (or shooting) the girl in the pink dress:

specialized. contemporary.
office hours.
cobblestone. counter-balance.
(midwest) fuel.
kiener 5.

ah home... let me come home...

2009-09-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

more songs with whistling please!

push it

2009-09-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Those who know me from my teacher days remember that I like to use metaphors to explain "big picture" ideas in science... well, the reverse is also true. Life can be described by science concepts just as easily. If you're around me long enough you realize I have a tendency to geek out on everyday things. Take last week for example: while drinking a koozied PBR chased with nips of Jamie from a monogrammed flask, overlooking the moonlit fountains of Forest Park's Grand Basin from Art Hill, I waxed philosophical about my "beyond karma" view of how I try to live my life. Here goes...

In chemical reactions, rarely does the system transition to completion. In other words, the amounts of reactants and products move back and forth until some kind of equilibrium is reached. But both sides ALWAYS exist. The same could be said for good and bad things in one's life. They co-exist so you have to take them both together. But as with a system at chemical equilibrium, you can drive the reaction in one way or another. Le Chatelier's principle states that given a chemical reaction at equilibrium, you can force the direction of the reaction to one side by altering certain properties. So you raise the temperature. Or you increase the pressure. Or you change the concentration. Given that stress the system is pushed away from equilibrium and to produce more of one side at the expense of the other. In life, I am looking for ways that I can be in the world that drive the reaction to the good side. It's not a passive act, like karma, where we believe that putting good out into the world is enough to get more good to come back our way at some point in the future... There will always be balance of good and bad; you can't wait around thinking that doing good will always be enough to push your life away from the bad stuff that happens. You have to change the bad into good... you have to work against equilibrium in some way.

Make it happen.

taking the long way around

2009-09-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

It's been two long years now since the top of the world came crashing down...

Hard to believe, huh? I think so. And funny that I have been waiting to write THE post for some time now... I bought this album at Phonoluxe over Labor Day weekend two years ago when I went to visit my family in Nashville with the passenger seat holding a bike instead of a person. How was I to know that these songs would become anthems in a matter of weeks. Ones which truly helped pull me through fall and winter of 2007.

So now what? I'm here, well on the other side, what do I have to show or say for it? I guess I have been planning to post these thoughts as a final catharsis... not really the ultimate f-you (though sometimes I do want desperately to have the opportunity to NOT be the bigger person), but more like a positive reflection on how much I've grown, gotten stronger, rediscovered and become even happier and more comfortable as myself. It's been a surprising and wonderful journey.

Work. The first thing my advisor asked me, as I was crying my eyes out in his office, was "Does this affect you getting your PhD?" Of course I immediately said no, that I really wanted to continue with school and the career I was building. It seemed like a silly question, but in retrospect a very thoughtful and caring one for him to ask me. As it was the start of my 4th year of grad school, I was already working long hours... suddenly the prospects of therapy, dealing with the breaking up of a 6+ year partnership and household, and all the following repercussions of getting one's OWN life back would have to share time with experiments and data analysis. If I didn't really want my PhD, going through all of the bs AND work probably would have been more than I could handle. Now I have a first author publication in a high-impact journal, a thesis defense on the horizon (January? timed to coincide with my 30th birthday...), and post-doc interviews at world-renowned institutions at home and abroad.

Friends. Surrounding myself with people I care about has never been a challenge. I have always made friends easily; I enjoy meeting new people. Occasionally I find someone I truly connect with and being around them is like a drug; it's hard to get enough. I wasn't really worried about losing friends... and was actually unaware how many of our friends were, in all actuality, my friends. This is not to say that there was some easy transition to single life. I took a lot of time for me... and to spend with other people. Being social needed to become a priority again. It's one that always seems to wane in the complacency of coupledom. I had to remember that I enjoy going out. I had to relearn how to roll with wherever an evening takes you... dancing till 3 am at sketchy karaoke bars or watching barges on the Mississippi in the moonlight. I revel now in an even larger network of friends in StL than I have ever had. Friends from all different backgrounds and scenes and places. Friends that I have made as an adult and as someone happy in her life. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Dating. Readers of this blog will know that I have not been a slacker in this department... ahem. But in all seriousness, I've found each person I've encountered, however brief, has helped me learn a bit more about how to BE with people. Dating in college, as I've said before, was a totally different beast. As adults, the rules seem to become a bit more flexible on some things and less so for others. There are forgivenesses and deal-breakers. In my case, I remain the girl who must always be painfully honest and believes in the inherent goodness of everyone. I have, however, come a long way in protecting myself from being walked on. It's a delicate balance of heart-on-sleeve vulnerability, tempered with a bit more knowledge and experience and maybe, god forbid, a little patience. I think this perspective will continue to serve me well... in the now and with whomever may show up down the line.

Life and Self. I love my life. I enjoy the work I do. I am surrounded by amazing, talented, brilliant, beautiful people every day. I still find moments of connection and intimacy that surprise me. I am more cognizant of who I am in the world and what I want than ever before. I have a new appreciation for PEOPLE... beyond gender, beyond labels. It may have taken 2 years to get here, but what a trip! For everyone who has played a part in this journey, small or large, you have my sincerest gratitude.

Thank you.

You know I like my girls a little bit older...

2009-07-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Fuck yeah.

I'll write you a letter tomorrow...

2009-07-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Something is missing. Can I talk to you about it? Or talk to you about anything, really. I miss our conversations. That's all I ever needed with you. A couple of beers, some laughs and a conversation.

Not that I don't have plenty of people to talk to. Hell, I have a whole internet's worth up in here. Can I say this without it being misread? Can I say this without opening myself up to an onslaught of assumptions?

You are what's missing. There. I said it. And it's that simple. I think we should be part of each others' lives in some way or another. It doesn't have to be complicated. No regrets, just a choice that I would have made differently had I known what was at stake... what there was to lose.

Maybe it's naive of me to think that you would care the same amount about our friendship that I do. Maybe it's masochistic to continue to set myself up to be hurt or disappointed when the former statement turns out not to be the case. Especially when I have so many others in my life who go above and beyond that call. You could say it's a feeling in my gut, that I have always believed you to be better than you sometimes see yourself. Faith in the inherent goodness of people... so I'm still holding out for you.

Sincerely,
ABW

walking with the ghost

2009-06-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

During the Democratic primary campaign I blogged about my problems with candidate Obama's "big tent" platform that touted inclusion of individuals who support "praying away the gay" to cure us silly queers of our "lifestyle choices"... As I said before, I take no issue with a person's religious beliefs; however, I think that those who preach discrimination and hate based on sexual orientation have no place in progressive politics. This position cast a lingering specter for me, even after he received the nomination: would President Obama truly support rights of LGBT Americans, a position at odds with others in his "more inclusive" vision of the Democratic caucus?

With the passing of Prop 8 in CA last November it seemed that any gains that the LGBT community felt with the election of Obama were bittersweet.

But we took heart and listened as President-elect Obama continued to press that he would be a fierce advocate for our community and we waited for the administration to make progress on its promises to change misguided policies like DADT and DOMA...

Enter almost Summer 2009. Six states now (or will soon) recognize same-sex marriages (though not CA). And our fierce advocate, the Obama administration? It's moved repeal of DADT to the back-burner and released a legal brief in support of DOMA, silently, and rather Bush-like, early Friday morning.

WHAT the ??!?!?!

Rachel Maddow's take on DADT

And the extensive analysis of the appalling Justice Dept brief that spares no ink in telling us how DOMA doesn't violate LGBT American's rights over at Americablog.

I'm not one to say "told you so" but...

Alouette, gentille Alouette

2009-06-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

Praise the French Canadians! Last week Jen and I attended the monthly Newstead Tower Pub beer dinner, aptly named the Dinner du Cochon Rose, or Dinner of the Pink Pig. It featured beer from my favorite Quebecois brewery, Unibroue who specialize in Belgian-style ales, and four courses of pure pork deliciousness care of chef Anthony Devoti and the hogs of Benne's Farm. Some tasting notes and a little inspired film clip for your consumption.

Course Un: Pork cake, current jam, micro greens, and a fried egg. Served with Don de Dieu.

We started off with appetizer more akin to breakfast than dinner. The pork cake (oh, you mean like a crab cake and not a pastry cake? I get it now! Jen laughed at me...) was spicy, nicely balanced with the sweet-tart current jam, and made even more decadent by mixing in bites of farm fresh egg yolk. Don de Dieu is a "we mean business" sort of wheat ale, weighing in at 9% ABV. It was hard to believe that this deliciousness could be topped.

Course Deux: Charcuterie of house-made coppa, prosciutto, and pate with warm whole wheat baguette and stone-ground mustard. Served with Maudite.

The second course was killer... I mean, how can you go wrong with a plate of meat? With two types of a pate (Grandma's, a bit more gamey but still good, and Champagne, with nuts and dried fruit) Jen and I quickly realized that we were going to need more bread. The mustard, while a favorite, was found to be unnecessary and sometimes masked the flavor of the pork. I think my combination of pate, mustard, and topped with prosciutto was the ultimate trifecta. Why yes, I do like pork with my pork! Maudite would be my second choice for a stuck-on-a-desert-island-with-only-one Unibroue beer. Which means it's outstanding. Bonus points for it being on draft at Newstead. As a deep red ale, it paired perfectly.

Course Trois: Pulled pork served on brioche toast, roasted pork loin with horseradish mashed potatoes, "franks and beans"- house-made pork sausage with white bean puree. Served with Chambly Noire.

The main course was a "tasting" of pork prepared three different ways... each a bit of a tongue-and-cheek take (pardon the slight pun) on traditional dishes. The pulled pork tasted similar to the pork cake with the addition of a vinegary sauce and the toasted brioche "bun." The pork loin was tender and tasty, though I'm not sure what in the marinade was for it... maybe mustard seed? The horseradish mashed potatoes were incredible. Creamy and not too over-powering. Finally, buttery, sage-y sausage and white bean puree. Simple and delicious. And something I think I will attempt to make at home. I was new to the Chambly Noire, but I do love a good black beer. This one was similar to many Schwartzbiers (a German style) I've had previously. It was toasty and balanced and subtle and lower alcohol. All of which made the main course more about the flavors of the food... which, I think, is as it should be.

Course Quatre: House-smoked bacon with Stilton blue cheese ice cream, drizzled with black truffle honey. Served with La Fin du Monde.

By this point Jen and I were pleasantly stuffed and I was well on my way to being tipsy. (Jen was driving and therefore giving me the extra pours offered to us by one of the lovely Newstead bartenders, Jessica.) How were we going to finish dessert? I was really excited for this course, as La Fin du Monde is in my top-five-all-time-favorite beers. SO TASTY. If anything was going to motivate me, that was! But the dessert itself was amazing and unlike anything I've tasted. Blue cheese ice cream was creamy and sharp and slightly sweet. When combined with the honey with bits of shaved black truffle floating in it, the sweetness intensified but did not hide the tang of the blue cheese. The salty, crunchy bacon was an outstanding topping, adding another layer of flavor and complexity to the experience. All of this with the best beer ever: a body with fruit, hops, yeast, intense carbonation. I was in heaven. As I've said before it's La Fin du Monde (as we know it), and I feel fine...

As a final treat, I'd like to share a clip that we discussed at length over dinner. Praise the French Canadians... and praise their beer!

The Kids In The Hall - Office Trappers | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

it was 20 years ago today...

2009-05-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

Fine, I'll admit it. I've been watching Doogie Howser, MD on Hulu. Mostly just a few episodes from season 1, you know including the one where Doogie takes his gf Wanda's appendix out and has to give her a pelvic exam to diagnosis it. (I obviously was unaware what a pelvic exam was when I was 9 and missed the reference.) Neil Patrick Harris looks like a baby... a baby who has no(?) clue that he will grow up to be an amazingly beautiful gay man. Plus, he's a prime blogging example... well, a pre-Internets example anyway... we all read over his shoulder while he documented his thoughts in a computer journal at the end of every episode.

In addition to reliving some of Steven Bochco's finer television moments, I've been revisiting 1989 in other ways. Well, culturally, anyway. Take Lloyd Dobler. The man who thought kickboxing was the sport of the future and opined the greatest break-up line in history: "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen." Lloyd Dobler is the man. And while I haven't watched Say Anything in ages, I feel like I am in that place right now... on the edge... looking for that dare to be great situation... You're an inspiration, Lloyd.

Finally, and likely the most macabre piece of this flashback, I've Netflix-ed Twin Peaks. While I remember being quite aware of this show (I mean, "who killed Laura Palmer?" is another pop culture phrase of my generation) and of David Lynch (did I ever tell you that I LOVED Dune around this age... yes, I know I'm weird) I didn't watch it. So seeing it now is quite the experience. First of all, I find it hard to comprehend that this was on network television during the Cosby-era?! The complexities of the characters alone... not to mention fetishes and call girls and transvestites. Oh, and lots of coffee and gratuitous shots of donuts. And while I'm not sure how this ties into my story, being neither a prom queen nor an FBI agent... it feels appropriate to be watching this at age 29. Whether it's the mystery or the flux, there's something about Twin Peaks that's drawn me in.

it's a nice day for a...

2009-04-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

Two of my dearest StL friends were married today. Here's the toast I gave them:

When you make new friends in your mid-to-late 20s, you often meet people as part of a couple… where two individuals come prepackaged as one unit, like a pair of snack cakes or something. I moved to Saint Louis for graduate school in 2004 and almost immediately starting hanging out with Alissa, who was then a second year in my neuroscience program. Beyond school and science were knitting and riding bikes and the occasional show. I also got to know her boyfriend, Eric, who may not be aware that I vividly remember him from my interview weekend… when he showed up at Llweyln’s in the Central West End to meet Alissa, stuck graciously entertaining us recruits. At the time I thought, wow, what a nice guy.

I am lucky enough to have been friends with both of them for close to 5 years now. Through a move to South City, the purchasing of their house on Cherokee, 2 Masters degrees (and 3 more to follow), many more bike rides, dinners, art openings, music, long conversations about gardening and food, politics and public health. Through the ups and downs that ALL of us have had. Our friendships have supported each other. I am so thankful that they are both in my life and I hope that having me in theirs has brought them as much happiness and comfort.

This moment is to celebrate Alissa and Eric as a couple. But what I think about is how amazing each of them is as a person, as my friend. They are both so unique and talented and fun to be around. Alissa and Eric, the couple, are not like the pre-packaged snack cakes. First of all, I could hardly imagine either of them being full of preservatives. They are too awesomely independent to be lumped together and sealed in plastic, left sitting on convenience store shelves. Rather, I see Alissa and Eric, the couple, as the combination of two comic book heroes paired to battle some massive foe (except without the tights), or a rocknroll supergroup. They each maintain their own identity and power, but together, totally kick even more ass.

To Alissa. To Eric. To you both. All the best as you continue your lives and your life together. Cheers.

this tornado loves you

2009-04-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

My friends may have noticed of late that I have been even more of a whirling dervish of obligations. Plans must be made far in advance if you would like me to attend whatever thing you've got going. What with work, training for my first triathlon, attempts at spring cleaning and gardening at the house, knitting, art openings, yoga, beer, music, weddings, and umpteen other social commitments I sometimes wonder when I sleep let alone find time to write on this blog.

So, first, an apology. To you. I do want to hang out with all of you, really. And then an apology to me. Exponentially growing lists of commitments should not be an excuse for not taking time for myself and my thoughts. While I have been having a blast as per usual, it's nice just to sit and get a few things down. Ironically, this post will consist of upcoming shows that I am psyched to check out... (you can reprimand the RnR girl for her lifestyle but you can't take the RnR lifestyle away from the girl)

Growing list of commitments #123 - Late Spring Music in the StL

Thao and the Get Down Stay Down - May 8th at Off Broadway
This is Thao's second trip into town since her 2008 release of "We brave beestings and all". I caught her first show whilst sipping O'Fallon Wheach in a near-empty Off Broadway last summer. Good stuff. I hope that there are more kids there to dance their hearts out this time.

Midwest Mayhem - May 14th at the City Museum
How can you not love 10 local bands, burlesque, beer, and climbing all over creation at the City Museum? MJS and I braved bruised knees last year to rock out at the Mayhem. Definitely up for a repeat performace.

The Decemberists - May 31st at the Pageant
Lead singer Colin Malloy did creative writing at U of Montana in Missoula. I think that makes me love him even more. Come for the story-telling, stay for the sing-alongs...

Twangfest - June 10th - 13th, featuring...

Alejandro Escavedo - June 10th at the Pageant
"The Boxing Mirror" was one of my favorite albums of 2006. Hoping to catch this guy live for the first time.

Jenny Lewis - June 14th at the Pageant
Yes, I remember seeing "The Wizard" (aka Nintendo's big screen commercial) in the theater back in 1989. And yes, like Fred Savage, I wanted to get with Jenny Lewis even then. Absolutely CANNOT WAIT for this show.

The Avett Brothers - June 25th at the Pageant
Missed these guys at the Sheldon last May during the massive music weekend (see 5 days, 3 shows, 1200 miles)... Won't be making that mistake again.

Whitaker Music Festival at MOBOT - Wednesdays starting June 3rd
Gotta love walking across the street into the Gardens... carrying a sixer or a bottle of wine and some snacks... and walking home afterward. Friends are definitely encouraged to make this a routine visit with me!

So... anyone wanna see a show? :)

Mono... doh!

2009-04-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

As you can probably tell, I'm really excited about President Obama's strategic plan for a high-speed rail system. Woot.

driving south on 57: an unexpected economic microcosm...

2009-04-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

I made a quick jaunt to Nashvegas last Saturday under the pretense of seeking tax advice. Really it was an excuse to see the fam and vacate my RNR lifestyle in the Lou for ~24 hrs. Driving my 11 YO standard transmission with no cruise control, tape deck, or functional windshield wipers may not sound like a joy ride to you, but I love a chance to unplug for a few hours. It's quality contemplation time.

There's one spot on the drive in Illinois, where the highway acts as a divider between worlds: to the east, a minimum security prison. To the west, a junior college. Maybe it was the fact that I was thinking about my W2s. Or the recent spate of worries about what the heck I'm going to do with my house when I defend my thesis come December. But for whatever reason, on this occasion I was really struck by the scene. Are these really the two choices that people face in our society: education or criminalization? They seem to be exquisitely linked. Looking at the demographics of the current unemployment numbers (at the highest levels since 1983! Whee!) one sees that minorities with less education are more affected. Does that leave these individuals more "at risk" for our massively costly criminal justice system? It's likely. But in today's economy, is one that much worse off than the other? What with lawyers being laid off in droves, professional degrees, let alone 2 year-trained semi-truck mechanics, seem to be not worth much weight. So is this the choice of today's working class youth? Community college vs. being locked up... Fans of season 4 of the Wire would recognize that both of these are "systems" in which individuals learn the rules to engage in that particular world. Think Namond Brice.

Given that it's a good year for the GWB's of the world to get into college, we have a ways to go before there is economic parity in education. And if education level dictates economic standing, especially in hard times, there's a good chance that without a massive change in how we teach (or another choice besides the east or west side of I-57) this will continue to be a never-ending cycle.

local feasts

2009-03-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Since reading Barbara Kingsolver's book "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" last fall, I have become even more fascinated by food. This is not to say that I haven't always been an admirer of food. Especially when the time came that I was the one making everything for myself. The joy of waking up early on a Saturday, reading the Baltimore Sun in bed, and heading over to the Waverly farmer's market with the sounds of Click and Clack emanating from the car radio. Eating the morning's pastries taken from large cardboard boxes that were shielded from the elements with cheesecloth, not quite opaque so to allow passersby a peak at the goods. Drinking half and half (iced tea and lemonade to the uninitiated) while cruising for fruits and veggies. Freshly shelled peas scooped from coolers in spring, heirloom tomatoes of summer, and countless apple varieties were the staple of autumn.

In Kingsolver's account of her family's year of eating only what they can grow, raise, or purchase locally (with a few minor exceptions) she speaks about the especially lean months of late winter, before the early harvests of the new season. And while times may be tight until the final chances of frost have passed in late April (or Dogwood Winter as my grandfather calls it), I have found that as cold warms to spring I enjoy and take pride in my locavore status even more. Last summer I joined my first CSA or community supported agriculture group. Fair Shares is a little bit different than your typical farm share in that it's a "combined" CSA, meaning that I get locally raised meat, cheese, butter, eggs, pasta, breads, grains, salsa, honey, roasted coffee, etc. in addition to produce. It is absolutely fantastic and I can't rave about it enough. So rather than go on and on, I thought I would share some photos and descriptions of meals I've made during these lean times.

Beet Pasta with Sauteed Garlic and Kale in a Walnut Cream Sauce

Beet pasta? What do you do with beet pasta? Luckily I found some kale at Local Harvest. I had cream leftover from making sherbet for my birthday and a bag of chopped MO black walnuts. I sauteed the kale with garlic in some olive oil. Then added the cream and the walnuts and reduced it to a sauce. Over the pasta and done! Ta dah... instant deliciousness.

Goat Cheese and Spinach Lasagna with Mushroom Marinara

Homemade marinara in winter? Really? With the help of some jarred, pealed local tomatoes and local mushrooms, I made a yummy sauce that tasted just like summer. This was poured over layers of Mangia pasta sheets schmeered with fresh goat cheese and spinach. Topped with more local cheese (Heartland Creamery's Legacy, a personal fave) and baked until bubbling. I may not be Italian, but this was a hearty, local lasagna to die for.

I'm not in love; I just want to be touched

2009-01-30T17:51:00.000-08:00

Dating is a strange beast. I have found that many of my friends who were the quintessential "daters" of our 20s, are now settling down into commitment, marriage. While I, ever the trailblazer, have done that stint and re-entered the pool. Or the market. Or whatever the euphemism you want to use for the swarms of single people on this planet who are all trying to get with each other. Being back in this position again, I have realized that I have absolutely NO CLUE what I want. Which, I guess, is what dating is supposed to be about. Taking the time to figure it out and find what you're looking for (in that Bono-walking-the-streets-rock-video sort of way)...

So how does your typical 29 yo wannabe academic make the dating magic happen? How do I, in the course of a month, have way more social engagements than I could ever possibly handle? Feast or famine, dear blog reader, feast or famine. Suddenly there appears to be something in the water and the calls start rolling in. Unfortunately, this dating deluge seems to make things more complicated, not less. I spend time with people and it's great. But how great is great? And is it the right kind of great? And really, what about that other great? I mean, it was pretty great, too. Guh...

I am trying to stay honest about all this confusion and indecisiveness. With myself. With others. And maybe my heart's still wrapped up in something else... but eventually it will catch up with the rest of me. Hopefully then, as the pieces click into place, I'll sit back and notice that what I've been blindly searching for comes to me. And all the wandering (and making out) will be for a reason. Or something...

praise song

2009-01-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance.

In today's sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp -- praise song for walking forward in that light.

Elizabeth Alexander 01.20.09

anything, ANYTHING can be made.

2009: new edition (addition)

2009-01-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

Many of you know about my compendium of owls. Last month I added a permanent one to the collection. Since my time at BM especially, I've found owls have come to represent many important aspects of my life and how I live it. Wisdom and protection; skill and ferocity. At the end of a very important transition in my life, getting this tattoo symbolized that those things remain part of me, no matter what obstacles I face.

how do you know when to let go?

2008-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

2008 is coming to a close. Let's recap some of the highlights.

I kept the house. And I got an awesome roommate.
I wrote my first paper. Still trying to get it published.
I saw a lot of shows: Laura Veirs, Erin McKeown, Jose Gonzalez, Bon Iver, The New Pornographers, Okkervil River, Kate Nash, Tegan and Sara, Ingrid Michaelson, Josh Ritter, Thao, Ladytron, Neko Case, Stars, Man Man, Wolf Parade, Calexico...
I met a ton of new people. Some of whom are now very dear to me. (MJS, this means you)
I had great fun with friends.
I went on a bunch of dates.
I made out with all kinds of people.
I was someone's RNRGF.
I biked for miles and miles and miles.
I danced late into the night.
I floated.
I camped.
I knitted.
I rollerskated.
I roadtriped.
I cooked.
I drank beer. And more beer.

All of these things and more made 2008... the year of transition. the year of independence. the year of re-learning for a new stage in my life. But some old habits die hard. For me, there will always be this persistence to hold on to situations, to people. My umpteenth fatal flaw of not letting go, of not being able to give up control. Of being personally invested in seeing things through.

So for New Year's, I suppose I need to have a chat with St. Jude and offer him all my lost causes. He should take them up, so I don't continue to clutch them too close, like a security blanket of what-if's and what-could-have-been's. How do you know when to let go? Where does the good go? Where does the good go? It's December 31st and another year ends. Time to embrace the promise and change of the next one. And the lost causes, the things that are so hard for me to give up on, can I put them aside and start fresh? I would like to say yes. I really would.

Resolve resolving resolved.

All I want for Christmas is ME

2008-12-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

Once again, I find myself entrenched in the holiday season. And while I am feeling a bit more in the spirit of things compared to last December, I still haven't managed to figure out what to do with myself as a single person during this time of year. For all the personal-life-bitching posted herein, I do heart being single. I like the fact that I can work late without worrying about someone waiting on dinner for me. That my free time is spent partying it up with friends at art openings and indie shows, food and drink abounding. That I get to do what I want, when I want. All the time. Period.

In the past, Christmastime meant finding time to be with family and figuring out gifts. Who gets what and when will we see everyone. It was arranging schedules, divvying up parties and housewarmings. Baking. Decorating. Sending out the yearly card. So much about the holidays involves doing stuff with a significant person, be it a spouse or a child or a best friend. Makes it hard for someone still finding her footing as an individual unit to navigate. My solution so far has been to avoid it as much as possible by working all the time. When I need a break, I buy gifts online. I haven't touched an ornament since the Keepsake Divorce of 2007. I wonder if Hallmark makes a bauble for that event... Not to be mistaken for a total Scrooge, I typically manage some cookie baking with awesome friends. And a few festive occasions out on the town. Of course, I'll head to Nashvegas for the usual Webb family festivities, which are always a good time.

But in the end, I'm just not that into it right now. Like the scene in "The Polar Express" where the parents can't hear the bell from Santa's sleigh. So what if I'm RSVPing for New Year's parties as "Jaded, party of one"- I feel okay about it.

did it break enough this time?

2008-11-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why adults don't take the time to physically process how they feel. As infants, without the luxury of language, we use crying to communicate our needs or when something is wrong. We grow up and crying becomes less socially acceptable. We don't usually do it in public, or find it embarrassing when it does happen, hastily wiping tears away with the back of a hand. Expressions of grief or sadness or just being upset aren't released by adults. They hover near the surface until we can push them back down, compartmentalize them, and move on. Even genuinely happy people could use some emotional purging every now and again.

I hadn't had a good cry in a while. You know... the ~~loud~~ ugly cry. With the sniffling and the sobs and the little gaspy breaths in-between. It was quite cathartic; something I had forgotten. Maybe I've been going around with my emotions to close to the surface. Maybe that causes me to say or do things that I wouldn't normally. Or maybe people pick up on the lingering feelings over what my actual actions are and read them the wrong way. Like some kind of extra sense that pervades how I interact with others. I wish I knew what people wanted, or that there was some consistency to it. Barring mind-reading, the best I can do is just be a good person and hope that effort is recognized, not questioned. And, I guess, cry.

the casuality of a two show weekend

2008-11-09T21:28:00.000-08:00

After a shit week, what else is there for a girl to do but dust her shoulders off and climb back on that rockNroll horse? In spite of the sublime Obama victory on Tuesday, I managed to remain mostly miserable with professional and personal rejections abounding. Cue my savior- an indie rock weekend here in the Lou.

Two shows on back-to-back nights. Starting with a freebie (mad props to my gay consigliere for the ticket hook-up) at the Gargoyle. Wolf Parade was lovely under the red and blue lights illuminating the basement of Wash U's former student center. Good college rock vibe. The Canadians called us "dudes" without a sense of irony and were generally pleased with the crowd. This being their second StL show, the last at the now defunct Rocket Bar, where they played after a Green Day cover band for about 4 people. Needless to say they were ecstatic for the turnout of StL hipsters en force. Call it a ritual, call it whatever you will...

Show 2 was at one of my fave venues, Blueberry Hill's Duck Room. Calexico packed them into the sold out U City basement and I was lucky enough to have scored an unclaimed ticket off a friend of a friend. The music was stellar, as always, and Joey Burns was looking especially dapper in a vest-tie-jeans combo. Accordion, trumpet, guitar, lap steel, whistling... it was lovely.

And while I enjoyed both of these shows in shoulder-to-shoulder crowds with friends, in the end both were more for the music itself than for the company. Ms. Nola always comments on my overly social nature and worries that I don't take enough time for myself. I can't help it, I crave people. But for some reason going to a show is not about that for me. This is the one time that I would almost rather be alone. With the music, with my thoughts. Calexico closed the set with their cover of Love's "Alone Again Or" to much raucousness from the crowd.

"You know that I could be in love with almost everyone and I think people are the greatest fun."
And I will be alone again tonight, my dear...

Sometimes, you have to cut your losses and realize a little solitude, no matter where you find it, goes a long way.

(political) words...

2008-11-04T21:54:00.000-08:00

Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.

this is the day your life will surely change

2008-10-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

With the election less than a week away, I felt it was time to comment on the political buzzword of the 2008 campaign: change. It is apparent to me, you, and everyone we know, that change is needed and with any luck, is a-comin'... But what about change as a verb to describe my own life? I keep replaying the last scene in Empire Records in my head. (Yes, I own this movie on VHS and yes, I have watched it far more times than anyone would like to admit.) You know, the scene where Liv Tyler gets the boy who's crazy about her instead of the jerky washed-up rock star and all the store employees dance on the roof to celebrate the saving of the business from the evil corporate buy-out and the scene fades out with a The The song playing in the background as the neon flashes and the sun comes up...

This is the day your life will surely change.
This is the day when things fall into place.

I would have to agree that there can be moments like this, but are usually only seen in retrospect. Or maybe I just fantasize about having moments like this, but find that change is never action, only a noun describing what took place. Who looks back over the course of a year, 5, 10, a lifetime and says that is the day where I saw change? It unfolded in front of me. I was there and I was part of it, not just witness to the by-product. I keep coming back to the idea of self and being selfish in the moment, for the moment. I need to act and not simply react. Achieving this mentality has been at the top of a steep learning curve for me, given my propensity to care too much. But I am finding a balance that makes me happy. Have I been witness to my life changing? Maybe a little... again, this is more a reflection than anything else. But I do have my eyes out for it now. And the next time, I think I will see it in time to ride out the moment. And hopefully the Soundtrack to My Life will cue up right along with it. Likely some REO Speedwagon... ;)

PS... Don't forget to GET OUT THE VOTE on November 4th!

the Wisconsin beer list

2008-10-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

In no particular order, the beers I consumed during my trip last weekend...

Lakefront Brewery Trocadero White Ale (Milwaukee) - My first beer of the trip. A light, Belgian-style Wit enjoyed on the patio of the Trocadero Bar along with a Wisconsin cheese flight.
Lakefront Brewery Eastside Dark Lager (Milwaukee) - Malty, tasty, and a bit more my speed. Definitely went better with the 10 year aged cheddar, too.
Lakefront Brewery Fat Abbey Strong Ale (Milwaukee) - Nightcap at the Trocadero's sister bar, Fat Abbey. Sticking with the high alcohol content after the Man Man show. Yum.
Water Street Brewery Oktoberfest (Milwaukee) - Probably one of the sweeter Oktoberfest's I've had. Wasn't a big fan of this one. Though I did love the classic Fish Fry at the Turner Restaurant. Mmmm, potato pancakes...
Water Street Brewery Pale Ale (Milwaukee) - Better, but nothing to write home about.
Furthermore Proper (Spring Green) - Interesting style. Drinkable.
Furthermore Fallen Apple (Spring Green) - A blend of cream ale (totally underrated yet delicious beer in my humble opinion) and cider. Had the nicest finish.
New Glarus Fat Squirrel (New Glarus) - Dark, cold, pleasantly bitter... Which also happens to describe our campsite as we spent the evening trying to get a decent fire going.
Ale Asylum Hopalicious (Madison) - Best hoppy beer of the trip. A pitcher for $11 on the Wisconsin Union Terrace. Definitely added to the entertainment factor of BMX boys grinding on the railings and the multiple wedding party photoshoots.
Gray's Oatmeal Stout (Janesville) - "Chewy" and smooth, as all good oatmeal stouts should be.
Sean's ESB (Home-brew) - Big thanks to Sean for his hospitality and sharing a pre-show brew with us.
Pabst Blue Ribbon (Milwaukee) - I'm sorry, but 16 oz cans do NOT qualify as tall boys.

fall leaves fall

2008-10-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Counting down the hours until MJS and I head out for our Fall Break Road Trip^TM. Su-wheet! I heart everything about FBRTs... headlights, crisp nights, changing leaves, singing too loud and off-key over the engine-wind-hum, junk food from convenience marts, dotted yellow lines, amusing Midwestern signage... We are hitting up Madison and Milwaukee for a 4-day weekend filled with old college friends (from the Mawr and Mizzou, respectively), microbreweries, urban exploring, farmers' markets, coffee fixes, hiking/camping, cheese, an indie rock show, and whatever other trouble we can get ourselves into.

Thinking about this trip reminds me of when I visited Ms. Nola in NH during the fall of 2001. We bought and cooked delicious food from the Dartmouth co-op and a tiny farmers' market across the river in Vermont- I still think that was the best goat cheese I ever had. We made a trip to the Ben and Jerry's factory to take the tour, encouraged each others' window shopping, took pictures in the leaves on the quad and watched undergrads running around burning pyres. Such a great time. I look back at photos of that trip (taken on my old school SLR, which I am bringing with me to document this weekend, hooray!) and I think of how happy fall makes me feel. Warm colors, coziness, harvest, good friends, and sucking in every moment of sunlight and life as it will too soon be winter and bleak... Fall is contentment. I don't think I could ask for anything else at the moment to inspire me more.

Travelling, A Eulogy

After the Second World War
William A. Colman returned
To his mother's old Victorian
On South Union Street
In his hometown of Burlington, Vermont,
Without much parade or fanfare.

William spent his days
Training to be a boxer,
A pastime that kept his mind
Off distant French shores.
Hours at the local YMCA
Hoping to catch the eye
Of some mustachioed promoter
Up from Boston, Mass.
Or maybe an exotic Quebecois.

Tucked in a pocket of his trunks
Was his brown leather wallet,
A gift from his mother
Before he crossed the Atlantic.
She had always been fierce,
With ties to Mohawk Indians and
Green Mountain Boys.
And had offered reassurance that
The ancient design on the cover:
A swirl, a knot, black and
Gold and pine, all etched
Would bring him luck or protection.
William didn't care which.

Time does not remember
William A. Coleman as a fighter
In neither trunks nor fatigues.
He is only survived by
A wallet, faded and cracked
In a roadside antique store
Thirty miles south…

For a small souvenir
Of my New England travels,
I paid ten dollars
To glimpse the story within
A yellowed ID card
And his expired Y pass.

ABW
October 2001

I traded all the innocence I ever had for hesitation

2008-10-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

I'd like to offer up some recent thematic reprises in the RO+2 story arc:

Live music crackrock perfection

Now: Neko Case, Stars, and karaoke at Talayana's
Then: Holidaze, somewhere in the middle you fall, 5 days, 3 shows

Autumnal revelries with my best peeps

Now: Best of MO/Shaw Art Fair, apple picking, local foods, impending Midwestern road trips
Then: really good short story, return of the prodigal daughter

Dating- Good times and/or vast abyss of confusion

Now: ?!?@?@?!&&%%$! (i.e. at a loss for words, both positive and negative)
Then: Sorry I was cruel, when I'm drunk it's easy...

Lately I've been doing my share of negotiating of now vs. then. Old comfortable friends with new acquaintances. Wrapping up old projects, while moving on to new ones. Being a scientist-educator-activist, but trying to maintain my play-hard mantra. It's easy to get weighed down in worrying about balance, about doing the right thing at the right time, about what other people want. Negotiating self with all those little external pieces that fit in around and complement who you are. It's easy to get stuck and hesitate. Thinking about the last year, I keep coming back to moments when I realize that at the end of the day, all that matters is just me. How I feel sometimes about everything and everyone else- overwhelmed, frustrated, blissful, content, all of the above- doesn't necessarily have to equate with where I am in my life. My happiness is not wrapped up in these things I find elsewhere. And my happiness can't be diminished by them. Focus in the moment becomes key. And for that, negotiation is negligible... it's simply about remembering that I can only be true to myself.

to believe in this livin'

2008-09-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Again, I let another month get away from me with only 2 posts. Apologies. And now that Ms. Nola has been requesting some blogging, I figure I should oblige. Maybe, if I break the silence, a flurry of writings about Palin and new music and StL culture will unfold. It is almost fall, my favorite time for curling up with a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning (post-pancakes, of course) and letting the thoughts flow. Just need to reintroduce the habit, I guess.

All this lack of blogging is to say that life has been really, really, good of late. The end of August brought some new people into my life- an awesome roommate who shares my name, as well as a new friend/morethanfriend who feels like a very old one... someone I feel like I could have befriended a long time ago, but for whatever reason has entered my life right now, at what seems like an ideal time all around. It's funny to find myself in a place that I haven't been in a decade. But what's probably more important beyond the labels of whom I am dating (bah on one-sided views of gender and sexuality!) is the fact that the Good Doctor makes me happy. And laughs at my jokes.

In my last post before all this adventure, I talked about how we reconnect with what we have experienced before, particularly music. And that these things have the potential to make fresh marks upon us. I find it striking that having written those words, I then stumbled across opportunities for breaking new ground in my life. Like singing REM and the Pixies and John Prine completely off-key around a campfire... I am so thankful for the ability to recognize, embrace, and run with what is happening around me. Fresh marks, indeed.

holding back the years

2008-08-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

I got the call that I am closing on the house tomorrow. Going through this process for the second time- except now it's just me. And with the papers signed, it is official: chapter closed, almost a year later. Rushing forward, onwards. Nothing like finality inked in blue.

It's been months since most of the photos and memories were boxed and put away. The few lingering snapshots are unobtrusive, out of direct line-of-sight. With Andrew's help I rearranged furniture over the weekend, making space for a potential roommate. Things feel different, even though I haven't changed my location. Still, I find myself spending some part of every day thinking about how to reclaim things as mine.

Recently a conversation spurred the idea of intensity; in response, I listened to Melissa Ferrick's live album on repeat. I was obsessed with this album in the summer of 2001... in the beginning... And now, hearing the songs again, I realized that I reconnect with the music in a new way. I am far removed from that girl of 21. Or perhaps, I respond similarly; but with altered eyes, reflecting the adventures of the last 7 years. Then today, XPN played three Counting Crows songs from "August and Everything After..." I remember when this album came out- I was 13. I bought it on cassette. I know all the words, to all the songs. And they still, still, resonate for me. Hard to believe I've had 15 years of reacting to this music under an infinite number of contexts.

So while thinking about how some music evolves for us, while thinking about "moving" into my house for the second time, I stumbled across Carrie B's latest post about what else? Moving on and music. She says,

the albums we've come to take for granted can leave fresh marks upon us; they can override nostalgia and sentimentality; they can overtake a moment, permeate and flood. It's good to know, beyond mere mental recognition or a historical acknowledgement, that certain music can and does turn you inside out...

Here I am in a new moment, ready to rediscover and override. Ready for something to make fresh marks on me.

the incredible disappearing July!

2008-08-03T07:43:00.001-07:00

hard to believe that it's already August. my StL summer has passed by like a bullet train barreling towards Autumn. but before the evening smells of lighter fluid and charcoal are replaced with burning leaves and hickory, there is much to report. and much more still to savor...

the end of June passed quickly; even with MJS still being in PDX, a plethora of events were to be had. Romer's birthday party which ended with our intoxicated wrestling re-match. me = dunked into the kiddie pool multiple times. guess that puts the score at 1-1... bring on the final showdown! the StL Pride Parade where I marched with the ACLU group. lots and lots of bike rides, including one ending in a sheared rear derailer (sorry Alissa!) plus discovering the ridiculously amazing cocktails of the Shaved Duck. cocoa nib infused bourbon manhattan with a bourbon soaked cherry- heaven. at the end of June I also made the decision to keep the house and get a new mortgage in my name only. that decision has been one of the first in a long time that has felt like moving forward. not a reaction, but an honest choice as to what's best for me and not prompted by the behavior of others. I must say that it feels really good to be here.

July unfolded with more drinks, more fun, and more things from my summer wish list. 4th of July parties, cheap beer, new neighborhood friends. trips to the Tower Grove market and to the Gardens for Jazz on Wednesday nights. our softball team finishing the regular season at 10 and 3. the longest bike ride of the season: a metric century (65 miles) with MJS in Illinois farmland. new food experiences, like Onesto in SoHa and Tower Tacos as the inaugural venture of the Cherokee Street Eating Club. plus Veruca is now serving milkshakes and paninis from Niche at lunch on Saturdays. shows at Off Broadway, made lovelier by the smokefreeness and O'Fallon Wheech on draft. reading for book club, reading for fun. late nights and wine with the knitters. and of course, work. helping with E's RO1. my experiments. teaching neuroscience to a couple dozen high school teachers from all over the country. showing middle and high school kids the wonders of the human brain.

not bad for the last 6 weeks, huh? hopefully I won't be suck a slacker at posting in August.

that teenage feeling

2008-06-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

nothing comforts me the same
as my brave friend who says,
"I don't care if forever never comes..."

In a recent conversation with Cpt. Cast-On, we came to the conclusion that the term "young adult" should not refer to the Miley-Cyrus-loving--tween generation. Instead, WE are the young adults, trudging through this vast wasteland between 25 and 35; we are stuck in the holding pad of the overly educated. When returning to our 10 year high school reunions, we are the unwed, non-employed, perpetual-students with nothing to show for ourselves, save the wear-and-tear of academia and drinking.

I am far enough removed from post-adolescence, from college days and the whirlwind of early twentysomethingness, to feel like my life should have started by now. and I suppose, in many ways, it has. I've gone through a major relationship and the ending of it. I am a homeowner. I've had a stint at a real job. I have seen death and birth in my family. Everyone is getting older. Yet somehow, I often wonder if I am simply here standing still as time passes me by. If I am holding out for something. And what that could be... a person, a career, or just a switch within myself that equates with progress.

This is not to say that I am unhappy with where I am right now at 28, the choices that I have made. But sometimes the perceived easiness of other paths is alluring... and if that is what you want, how do you get there? How do you find the missing pieces that suddenly thrust you onto a new and uncharted direction? I wonder if it's that teenage feeling I'm after... I'm not even sure if I would recognize it in the first place. Maybe that's where Miley Cyrus comes in.

a summer wish list

2008-06-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

With Solstice on the horizon, and the inevitable sounds of a pagan drum circle on my block this weekend, I thought I would take a couple of minutes to jot down things that I am looking forward to in the season before September.

A submitted (and then accepted) manuscript - current title: "Lack of coupling reveals flexible circadian phenotypes in individual neurons of the suprachiasmatic nucleus"
Wednesday night Jazz in the Gardens
Training rides in prep for the MS 150
Softball and cheap beer
Being outside with the smell of sunscreen and bug spray and chlorine
Float trips
Road trips
Selling the house
Teaching and mentoring
Late nights on my deck with good conversation under the stars
Any and all live music
Cocktail hour
Having a good laugh... with someone or simply at myself
Making ice cream
Saturday morning walks to the Tower Grove Farmer's Market
Bottleworks
Friendship and maybe a little affection
Books
Yoga
Leisurely dinners with a glass of wine (or two)
Walking barefoot

What's on your summer wish list? Is there anything you would like to add?

we brave bee-stings and all

2008-06-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

another month. another week. another Monday. Let's talk about my day, shall we?

2 June 2008.
Up early in the morning to shower and stumble through the usual juice+toaster waffle breakfast. Drove to campus b/c of evening commitments requiring transportation. Today with be the first in 5 days that I haven't been on my bike. Sole person in lab pre-8. The AC is still not working properly in our building. :( makes all those temperature sensitive experiments we do quite happy, grumble grumble. Get to work. Plus email. Plus Facebook. Eventually 9 am rolls around; critical mass is slowly achieved in the office.

10 am talk on plant clocks by a guy who postdoc'd with a prof in the UK (who was buds with E at UVA back in the day) that I would be interested in working with come that whole Lex-is-Dr-Webb thing. Talk was pretty good. The free coffee/bagels/donuts makes the students happy. Back to lab and work. Then head to lunch with this plant clock guy. Totally awkward. Me and two other grad students, one of whom he didn't make eye contact with much at all. While I warrant excessive amounts... yikes! Topics ranged from the taxation of married women in Germany to how Obama is uber-left to portion sizes in the great US of A. At one point, the non-sequitur was "God Bless America." Seriously. Flee from lunch to attend lab meeting. Yes, you read that right, lab meeting... where I spend 50% of the time listening attentively and 50% of the time wanting to eat my own brains out with a dull spoon. It was that bad.

3 pm and I'm back in the lab for one last push of work and email and meetings and coordinating all those little things that I take care of in my over-committed-grad-student, who-would-one-day-like-to-finish life. For example, planning the summer Neuroscience course for teachers working towards a Masters in Biology here at Wash U. E and I have designed the syllabus, including lectures, labs and activities. We'll be presenting all the material at the end of July. I'm excited and the $1500 for being the TA isn't bad either. I think I would go crazy if I didn't have all these other things I cared about other than my thesis. :)

5 pm puts me headed towards North StL. As I drive down Delmar to Vandeventer and turn onto MLK, urban blight abounds. I'm going to another meeting, this one with individuals passionate about education and social justice in the City. The average age of the men and women around the board room table is less than 35. I am volunteering my time along with everyone else to help develop a charter school that will target highly mobile (i.e. homeless) youth in StL, set to open in 2009. Our application is due in August. The dedication and drive of everyone invovled astounds me.

By 8 I am eating my dinner of caramelized onions and sausages with a green salad. Paired with Paulner's DoppelBock, I am a happy kid. Not bad for a Monday. Not bad.

bread and roses

2008-05-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

at this time last year, I had just returned from England. I was soon off to Bryn Mawr for my first college reunion weekend. Then back in StL, refreshed, I started this blog in hopes of continuing to reconnect with my writing, my self, and all the emotions that the journey back to my alma mater had rekindled.

hard to believe everything that has followed from that point.

so now what?
I am a year older (though I feel infinitely wiser and more grounded).
I am a year closer to being a PhD (continuing down that academic path, away from mediocrity, towards something).
I am *almost* a year into being single again (meeting and getting to know new people, realizing how much friendship truly matters).

and still, here I am at the start of another summer... the beginning of a season where I dwell in the smell of sunscreen and citronella. outside till all hours, desperate not to spend every waking moment in the lab. on my bike. on my deck. pulling weeds. having drinks and good conversation. dancing. hiking. looking at stars...

I think about Bryn Mawr. about the preparation and the journey. about that fact that life is always a challenge, is always harder than you want it to be. I think about sitting on Denbigh green one August night as a freshman with hot candle wax dripping down my fingers... "Bread and Roses" echoing back into the night, behind Taylor Hall...

Our lives shall not be sweated from birth until life closes;
Hearts starve as well as bodies; give us bread, but give us roses.

5 days, 3 shows, and 1200 miles

2008-05-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

Attention Dear RO+2 Readers!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled "Lex's Dating Update" (yeah, when your biggest fan *ahem, BDW* starts grimacing, you know you need to start posting about something other than your search for Ms. Goodbar...) to bring you something complete different! Hooray!

In the last week I have thrown my work to the wind (bah! grad school!) and ventured to 3 different cities to rock out at 3 different concerts. So now for your reading pleasure, I bring you a lovely little essay, chock full of "compare and contrast" action! And for those of you keeping score at home, the themes will be: 1. Venue Quality and Atmosphere; 2. Opening Entertainment; and 3. Overall Musical Goodness.

Show #1 - Kate Nash at the Vic Theater in Chi-town.
J, S, and I braved crazy thunderstorms and a massive wreck on I-55 last Friday to make it to the northside of Chicago for obscene amounts of food and to see a lovely young lady from across the pond, Ms. Kate Nash. And while we have all been rocking out to her fantastic album, "Made of Bricks," since the single first hit the states last November, this show left something to be desired. I think we were all a bit disappointed. First, the opening act was just plain bad. I won't link them to my disparaging comments, but I will tell you about how this group took what I think is a totally rockin' concept and failed to execute. Imagine that you go to estate sales and garage sales and flea markets and you buy people's old 35mm slides. and then you write songs about them. and then when you perform the songs, you play the slides on stage. sounds cool, right? yeah... I thought so too. unfortunately, instead of warming up the crowd, we all just wanted to vacate the building by the time they were done. sigh. Then enter the somewhat inept tech crew of the Vic. Here we are in a very cool old theater in the Belmont area of Chicago... you would think that the acoustics would be amazing. Not only did they take 45 f-ing minutes to get set for Kate, but they couldn't even get the sound on the mics right. The entire show sounded muddled with the bass and drums being way too loud and over-powering the vocals. Although I totally adore Kate's record, I wasn't expecting to be blown away by her live performance. But still, having her backed by a 5 piece band (likely some record label exec's idea) was just bad. :( The best songs of the night were the ones with just her on piano or guitar, where you could hear her voice and her witty, catchy lyrics. In the end, the show was good, but not great. Oh well.

Show #2 - Tegan and Sara at the Pageant in StL.
Leave it to some Canadian lesbian twins to bring out the queer community in the Lou. I bought my ticket to this show back in January, knowing that I would eventually be able to find someone else with a ticket to go with me. Actually, I went with 2 other couples (yes, that would make me the spare tire on the Subaru) and easily knew another dozen in the crowd. I've listened to Tegan and Sara since the summer before my junior year at BM when Ms. Nola and I spent days rocking out to "This Business of Art." This was my first time seeing TnS live; and, regardless of earlier warnings about the quality of their stage performances, it was actually a strong show. We skipped the opening act, opting for food and brews at Bottleworks. I heard that the set was pretty decent. I must give the Pageant props for sweet sound (compared to Show #1 it was infinitely better) and not keeping the crowd waiting. Musically, I really enjoyed what they played- mostly songs from their last two albums, "So Jealous" and "the Con"- two cds that have lived in my CD player for weeks at a time. Being sisters and twins at that, T and S had some silly on-stage banter. It definitely made the show more entertaining... as long as it's in limited amounts, of course :) A good time overall, though I felt like I could have had more fun if there was more rocking out and dancing amongst my compatriots. Maybe next time.

Show #3 - Josh Ritter at the Belcourt Theater in Nashvegas.
Now here's where things get interesting. Did I drive to Nashville and back in less that 24 hours in the middle of the week to see a show? Yes, yes I did. I am crazy. But here's the thing... it was Josh Ritter. and Ingrid Michaelson was opening. and those would be the artists who put out 2 of my favorite CDs from 2007. So of course I had to go. Added bonus- $15 tickets and it's at the Belcourt, which is a fantastic place to see a show! Yay! You may say, at this point, that I already have a bias for Show #3. And that may indeed be true. But it was also a fantastic show. First, I heart going to shows by myself. it gives you complete license to be totally into the music and the experience. Also, I got to hang out with my fam and drink beer before hand. Win-win. For an opener, Ingrid was stellar. She was hysterical- running commentary about cankles and heavy-over-the-sweater-petting and gospel preaching and lunch lady arms. And adorable. And the music was great. She even gave me a hug between sets when I told her that I had driven all the way from StL for the show. then The Ritter. and his band. so, so, so, so good. the songs, the tightness of the band, the palpable air of just how much fun they were having. Too many great moments to describe, but a couple of my favorites: Josh asking us to sing "Don't let me come into this year with an empty heart" to the person sitting behind us; the band switching instruments during the bridge of "Right Moves" and then continuing to rock out; the bass player's waxed handlebar mustache; Josh's smile and dragon jacket. What is it about live music in Nashville? Maybe I will never know why, but it just sounds better there. To me it's like water (or crack)- I can't get enough...

UPDATE: Here's the man himself talking about the shows in Nashvegas... including some kick ass pics of my hometown :)
HT to BDW

Alright, signing off here. And I bet if you made it through all that, you are probably ready to read some whiny post about my love life again! Heh heh heh ;)

when I'm drunk it's easy, when I'm sober I try not to love you so hard

2008-05-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

yesterday I said, in the aftermath of a rather embarrassing freak-out prompted by the canceling of plans, that friendship and attraction do not a relationship make.

Do I believe this? Yeah.
Am I looking for a relationship at the moment? No, not really.

And maybe expecting that people I want to spend time with will equally want to spend that time with me is too much... maybe that is "relationship-y," the idea of companionship. I rather enjoy the company of certain individuals, and I must say that I have reacted selfishly, like a petulant child, when I can't get what I want. even when that is only someone else's time... that is what matters to me right now. I feel like time is the most important thing anyone can give to another person- I value my time and expect others do as well... my feelings get hurt when someone doesn't recognize the gift of time or doesn't believe that I am worthy of hers. yes, things come up, shitty days and what-not. but it shouldn't take much to convey the idea that you and your time are worth something to me (without freaking out), and vice versa.

I don't need anything beyond friendship and attraction... sure physicality and intimacy are key at times. but I am not searching for profound emotional declarations. I'm not looking for three small words. I just want to enjoy what seems like a good thing, however fleeting. why can't I relax and let that be? I hate being so out of practice at this...

in just-

2008-04-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame baloonman

whistles far and wee

and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it's
spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer
old baloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's
spring
and
the

goat-footed

baloonMan whistles
far
and
wee

-e.e. cummings (1920)

well, the apocalypse starts tomorrow...

2008-04-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

I keep meaning to blog about the upcoming PA primary, which after an excruciating month of bs (preachers and pundits edition), finally appears to be upon us. I have the angle for the post all figured out- having spent my undergrad years outside of Philly at that uppity womens' college I hold so dear... it would start by describing what I remember of the 2000 election.

I remember not sleeping that night in November, watching the returns come in with friends in our pajamas, watching the state of florida become a jump ball in a basketball game where the scoreboard was not diligently following the direction of the possession arrow, watching on a screen projector in the dining hall of one of the dorms... where I ate breakfast and brunch and lunch and dinner with the rugby team after practice... where I read the NY Times daily and made my own rice crispy treats by microwaving marshmallows with a pat of butter in a bowl and mixing in the cereal. this was the dorm of my current gf, yet somehow I ended up back in my own bed at some obscene hour of the following morning. I remember skipping class the next day, too depressed to deal with the electoral reality, sleeping in through PChem and Inorganic. these are vivid images that should shape my take on the Democratic primary on Tuesday... I can talk about feminism and Bosnia and shooting Crown Royal and the Weather Underground under the guise of my perspective as a naive 20 YO of what life was like 8 years ago before this great misadventure in our country's history. but that is not the post I want to write tonight...

for those of you who may have missed it, I have been on a total music binge the last 8 months. for whatever reason, new music has become an addiction again, not paralleled since those college days. I have bought close to a dozen cds since the new year. I am averaging 4 live shows a month... ticket stubs and jewel cases abound. I am struggling to make single volume mixes. hell, I even bought a wireless hard drive to dump old photos and mp3s on to make room for the new stuff on itunes. tomorrow night is the New Pornographers show (featuring the lovely Neko Case among others...) with Okkervil River opening. And I must admit, other than Neko, I am total there to see Okkervil River. their song "Plus Ones" is an clever trip down memory lane, featuring references in the song lyrics to, among others:

97 tears (see Bay City, MI)
the 100th Luftballoon (nouns are capitalized in Deutsch)
8 chinese brothers (last stage of the sleep cycle)
the 51st way to leave your lover (live in Central Park)
and candle 17 (I heart Molly Ringwald)

Okkervil is on the JagJaguwar label. as is Bon Iver, another new fave, an indie neo-soul crackrock perfection. "Skinny Love" could easily be the best song for the year. please, please, please check them out. give them your hard earned cash. because, if you do, I will eventually write about the PA primary. unless my new emo band name becomes reality (see post title) and I have to go see them. :) afterall, there was an earthquake this morning...

still your silver lining...

2008-04-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

if I take the time to put my constant reflection aside, there is a lot to feel good about.

in the just now. the moment. where all my thoughts stick to this single experience of simply existing. here at my desk in lab (as always), drinking black coffee (as always), listening to XPN (as always)... unfortunately, every instance is not attractive. as my yoga teacher says, it takes effort to stay present. to bring your mind back to the task at hand and remain content there. to focus.

I am, for the most part, a planner. I believe there is purpose behind my actions; there is intent. and this often leads my thinking to the past, and to how I want that past to move and shape my future. this doesn't leave much time to enjoy what is actually happening around me. sometimes though, there is an image... an object, a person, a sound that I want to hold onto and revel in. and maybe it's cycling or yoga or finding those you connect with deeply. but there is something in my life right now that is reeling me into the moments around me. I feel grounded. and that's a good thing. and I just want to say thanks for it...

for seeing a small red fox, a city fox, crossing my street on Sunday night. from alley to alley, beneath the streetlight

for beautiful live music with friends. hands in pockets, wrists thrust out at right angles, caught in the sway of the crowd

for friends and family (blood or otherwise) and taking the time to be by myself

Alex Chilton and a road bike

2008-04-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

"I'm in love...
what's that song?
I'm in love...
with that song"

at the moment there are two things that I <3 just a bit more than everything else...

one is an old flame and the other is my brand-new obsession:

The Replacements. Likely one of the best bands ever. And don't just take my word for it- they come complete with a RnR gf seal of approval.
My new road bike. a Specialized Dolce. Isn't she gorgeous?! Feel free to ogle. I "can't hardly wait" for all those long rides :)

Resurrection (from what) Ails (you)

2008-03-25T14:51:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite beers to drink whilst I lived in B-more (that would be Baltimore for the uninitiated) was made by a local craft brewery, Brewer's Art. In addition to accessing it at their fantastic restaurant and beer cellar, Resurrection Ale was available at other bars across the city. As a teacher, Friday afternoons in the spring meant HAPPY HOUR... I would scoot down the Alameda after school to meet up with friends and co-workers at One World Cafe, where for a mere $2 a pint (yes, you read that correctly- microbrews for cheap!) I could drink tasty bevys like Resurrection and Rogue's Dead Guy Ale till my heart's content and chow down on huge orders of delicious veggie nachos that are only slightly rivaled by the bison ones at Bottleworks. This would lead to the other Friday night occurrence: making my way back to TV Hill, buzzed and sleepy, and likely falling into bed before 9. Ah, good memories...

So now 4 years later I am entering another spring in StL and thinking about re-birth. It's a good time a year for it. the Redbuds outside my office are starting to flower and a pair of morning doves have built a nest, spending the day fending off the somewhat aggressive campus squirrels. It is also the season of friends' birthdays, which I suppose is the product of summer lovin' in the late 70s/early 80s.

I hosted a Resurrection of my own this past Saturday. Well, actually, it was to celebrate the birth of the 27th Jennifer (notice my masterful incorporation of Jen's age and the Mike Doughty song... coincidence, I think not- that's what I call blogging!) That, and I really wanted to cement my future damnation...

Without much further ado, philosophizing on "hope springing eternal" and the benefits of whiskey punch, I give you my version of the best way to welcome in the new season. And in light of these recharging festivities (well, no one had to hold up in a cave for a few days beforehand, but you get the point) I suppose I am now prepared to kick some ass until solstice!

The Last Peep-per

Martha Stewart would approve, right?

Why yes, that is a 3D cupcake cross!

Me and the lovely ladies (Birthday girl on the L and Gnat on the R)

"florence and calamity and joan of arc" - Friday night food porn and other stories

2008-03-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

what is it about Friday nights at home? a speedy, half-intoxicated bike ride home after happy hour. cooking and drinking wine in my pjs. playing the newest Josh Ritter album quite loud, hoping that the kids playing basketball in the alley can hear it. especially tracks #1, #3 and #4 on repeat repeat repeat...

"you look like David Bowie, but you've nothing new to show me... over and over again..." (5 points for getting this song reference; hint, it's not Josh Ritter)

it's been a long, albeit somewhat unproductive week. how did that happen? I suppose I should be thankful for the small things that I accomplished. reveling in the first day of Spring. the fact that while I am still working on the paper for the first aim of my thesis, Aim 3 seems to be kicking into full gear. Can it be that I am less than 2 years out from graduating?! *gulp* knitting and yoga and brackets and bike rides and coffee and CD shopping and free beers. regardless of all my comings and goings, I do love a Friday night finishing off bottles of wine, making chicken piccata (sorry for the repeat culinary event, but, yes, this is a twice a month sort of recipe... and you get a photo this time!) with rice pilaf (homemade beats Rice-a-Roni) and broccoli. plus reading and blogging and rocking out to good music.

ms. jen's b-day is tomorrow. Easter Eve. I will be hosting the Resurrection here at casa de Castleman... complete with a 3D cupcake cross (please be anxiously awaiting my sacrilegious pics!!!) it will be a fabulous time.

I'm not sure what else to report. it's kinda day-to-day in the Lou. the majority of the time, I am simply living. nights like this make me so content to be on my own. because who the hell cares if I play "to the dogs or whoever," "right moves" and "the temptation of adam" 40 gazillion times on my crappy college boombox AKA soundsystem... there has been some discussion (over 21st century Pictionary and gift-carded beverages) about what I am looking for, where I am in my life. Pre-M, I would have chalked myself up to the non-settling variety. now I could go either way, have gone either way... 28 is still too young to decide on those sorts of things, right? it's completely appropriate to randomly give out your cell number whilst waiting for the other shoe to drop regarding that hard-to-get girl ("i never had to learn to love her... she just came along and started to ignore me") you truly adore at the moment... it's also strange (substantial, startling, scary, surprising, surreal) to be in a place, 7 months out of a serious LTR, where you feel like there's potential to be with someone again. it's great to be a fast healer, but for the time being, I'm not completely sure if I want to compromise my Friday nights alone with Mr Ritter and the booze...

as said songwriter so elegantly puts it:
"there's always whiskey and women and women and whiskey around
(s)he can't tell which is worse, to be dying of thirst or to drown"

although,
"singing don't let me into this year with an empty heart, with an empty heart..."
is somewhat convincing... sigh :)

Spring Type Break!

2008-03-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

well, no, not really. no rest for the weary graduate student. I have a paper to finish, remember?

but, dammit, I will be in Austin at this time in a year for SXSW. mark your calendars now. I will immerse myself in music and not sleep for days. I cannot wait.

for now, I am living vicariously thanks to XPN and NPR and the adorable Ms. Carrie Brownstein (er, C.B. Grumbleton, pictured below)...

you can check stuff out here and here.

and for more Spring Break fun, I give you, TEEN GIRL SQUAD!

your Brandy Alexander goes down easy

2008-03-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

my weekend, as told by beverages:

Thursday

O'Fallon 5 Day IPA (x3) - Newstead Tower Pub has this on draft. I dig hoppy beers and I think this and Schlafly's Dry-hopped American Pale Ale are likely the 2 best beers made here in StL.

Young's Double Chocolate Stout - From a can (complete with a widget- woo carbonation!) into a pint glass at the Church Key. Warmed me up after a chilly walk down Manchester and served as a fantastic "dessert."

S's KnitForceUnited whiskey punch (x2) - What could go better with gossip and Girl Scout cookies?!

Friday

poorly poured keg beer in Styrofoam at a gallery opening (x until I gave up and switched to red wine) - blonde, early 20s girls who have probably never tasted any beer other than a Bud Light should not be allowed to operate kegs. in fact, most people should not be allowed to operate kegs. Here's a little side bar for you, faithful blog reader... I am a keg operator. I don't even let the facilities guys in Biology tap the kegs at the department picnics. Stand back, I say, I played rugby and you guys are just going to f- this up. and for the love of God don't pump the f-ing keg when the spigot is closed! sigh...

cheap Cabernet (x2) - not exciting, but at least does not foam

a Brandy Alexander - Herzog nation descended upon Natalia's new restaurant, the Fountain on Locust, for bevys and sweets and savories. and I must say that Leslie Feist was the main influence in my selection. brandy, dark creme de cacao, half and half, ice cream, nutmeg... yes, I can see how that would get someone into trouble ;)

Saturday

Michelob Ultra (x2) - only in Chesterfield *shudder*, while playing board games and watching college basketball with almost strangers, would I submit to consuming such a beverage. ah, the things we do for the ladies, right?

Sunday

Schlafly Dry-hopped APA (x3) - Bottleworks on Sunday! It doesn't get any better than this. With Chris spinning the funk, my weekend of "get up, get on up" was coming to a close; nothing like a little Cascade hops to make my night.

Schlafly Coffee Stout (x1.5) - I blame this and DST for keeping me up way past my bedtime last night. Still, my favorite way to end the evening is keeping "the Beer Pusher" from pouring me another :)

sorry I was cruel; I was protecting myself

2008-02-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

On the eve of my birthday I saw Laura Veirs play in the basement of a bar in Park Slope. I didn't have tickets, but hung around the entrance to the room and finally sweet-talked the woman managing the door into taking my $10 and letting me inside. I squeezed in between the couples and the Brooklyn hipsters, rocking back and forth on their expensive trainers, just as she was taking the stage. This was my first time seeing Veirs live, though I've known her music for a while. My friend Alissa is practically a dead ringer for her and it's kinda a running joke between us. I spent my undergrad years going to shows in venues like this across the North East and MidAtlanic- tiny, idyllic, intimate places with wood paneling or tin ceilings, an ancient bar tucked away in the back. And while Feist was my first solo show in ages (see holidaze), the Veirs show really brought me back to what it was like being in a crowd, closing my eyes, letting the music wash over me, feeling like if I fell... the moment would swoop in and support me. She was lovely and ephemeral. I walked back along the tree-lined streets to Ms Nola's apartment perfectly content. I wrote an email that night proclaiming that if there is an afterlife, mine is filled with good beer, cobalt glass, perfectly smoothed pebbles, and female singer-songwriters.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am honest and open about how I feel and what I think. Probably to a fault. It seems that these qualities get me into trouble more often than not. Over the last 6 months I have been learning to do more to protect myself and how I feel. This doesn't mean that I've put my heart away or have stopped being up-front about my opinions. But I think I am finally in a place in my life where I have realized that while I may not have complete control over what happens around me, I do chose how I let it affect me. And maybe that means I still push too hard, that I still put myself out there too much. But I know now, that at the end of the day, I need to take care of myself first. And that other people's issues and perspectives, while no less valuable, cannot dictate what is best for me. This has been a major challenge. Even if all of this protection and distance is valid, it still makes me feel like a jerk most of the time. I like connecting with people. When I feel like I can't do that, or I have to limit it, I get frustrated. So for now, I know that what I'm doing is the best for me... but it's kinda like a kid being told to eat her vegetables because they're good for her. I'm going to do it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

somewhere in the middle you fall...

2008-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

It's 9:30 on a Thursday and I'm beat. yet another busy week. I was happy to spend the evening at home with dinner and a movie. one of Ms Nola's posts last fall has inspired me to share a recipe: chicken piccata.

chicken breast, usually pounded flat btwn 2 pieces of Saranwrap with a rolling pin
salt, peppered, and lightly floured
cooked in a little oil over medium high heat until lightly browned
remove chicken and add a little minced garlic
followed by lemon slices and a combination of chicken broth and white wine
reduce
add more lemon juice and capers
reduce again
remove from heat and melt in some butter, pour over the chicken

yum! pair that with some couscous, broccoli and another big glass of white wine and you would have my dinner for the evening. I curled up with Dame Judi Dench ("Mrs. Henderson Presents"), a giant box of Jelly Bellies (gift), and the pink baby booties I am finishing for my friend Julie who's due in March. a great night all around.

the last 2 nights this week have been music-filled ones. on Tuesday I went to the Fabulous Fox Theater for the first time to see Avenue Q. it was a belated b-day gift from my friend Gnat. and it rocked. it's not often that I see musicals (my only others being The Who's Tommy and Rent) and it's even less often that I relate to the songs and the characters... in this case, puppets. seriously. Gnat and I were especially drawn to the Bad Idea Bears- who in high pitched voices proclaim the wisdom of buying a case of beer to save money in the long run and the virtues of LITs. more drinks, more fun!

I spent today coming down from the emotional high of seeing Erin Mckeown play live last night at Wash U. for those of you who know my aural proclivities, you know I lovingly refer to Erin as my original rock n roll gf. I saw her live for the first time in 1999 when she played Bryn Mawr College's May Day. The second time was in February of 2000. she was solo. it was Valentine's weekend and I had recently broken up with my first girlfriend. I told her she was the highlight of my weekend, and with that she emblazoned the name to my copy of her first cd: "McKEOWN the Highlight." I spent 5 years going to see her play from Providence to Baltimore, catching almost every single show she did in Philly. I even gave her a Valentine one year... a hand-made collage/card with the lyrics of the Magnetic Fields' "Love is like a bottle of gin" scribbled inside. she is my A#1 crush.

I haven't seen Erin perform live since moving to StL in summer of 2004. the show last night was worth the wait. it was organized by a group of undergraduate women- the Committee on Women and Art. and Erin's event was part music, part lecture, and part discussion. to hear someone that I admire and respect so much as an artist talk about politics and feminism and identity... I was completely awe-struck. it was probably one of the most intimate experiences I have ever had with someone I don't really know. hearing Erin's music, listening to her speak about herself and what she thinks and believes about issues that are important to me. I couldn't have asked for anything better. she answered a question I asked about gender presentation in her music... something I'm sure is a somewhat personal topic. but she was so candid and honest. and then closed with probably one of my all-time favorite songs of hers, "Daisy and Prudence." luckily I didn't melt onto the floor.

after the show: again, the signing of CDs. wanting to linger to talk to her more, but not wanting to be obnoxious... standing outside and staring up at the lunar eclipse. what a night! I was so amped up afterwards I didn't sleep until almost 1 am. maybe it's weird to be this intense about someone who you barely know, to make them iconic could be a bit dangerous. but Erin makes me giddy in a way I don't think I have ever felt about anyone. strange, but true. in the end, I suppose it's okay to hang on to the idea of my rock n roll gf. even if it is only beauty just because...

here I go again on my own

2008-02-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

Happy February, everyone. Hard to believe we are 7 weeks into 2008. I've celebrated my first unattached birthday since the infamous "Super Bowl party-mullet wig-rock on plus two" incident of 2001. Luckily I had the means to do it up in style with lots of fondue and a birthday 6 pack in Park Slope, Brooklyn, NYC. good times, good times.

Valentine's was spent at Bottleworks with my peeps, proclaiming to whoever would listen that I am the most eligible lesbian in StL...

hot- check
stylish- check
smart- check
funny- check
can cook- check
excellent taste in music- check
well-read- check
has her shit together- check

the girls should come a runnin', right? yeah. sigh.

my attempts at dating so far in 2008 have been met with some success. I mean success in that at least I've been on dates. several, in fact. lots of first and second dates and really, not much progress from there. seems that to most people, dating is a lost art. not that I am an expert, by any means. I just know that I am looking for something beyond a hook-up, but much less than a LTR... dating seems to be the likely choice. unfortunately, the women I've met recently are tending towards the extremes... not that I mind having more friends. it's just not really what I am looking for at the moment.

I already have amazing friends who come over and wait till 9 pm to eat dinner b/c I under-estimated the time a new recipe would take. my friends make me laugh hysterically. and can make fun of me incessantly without making me feel bad. knitters, scientists, beer drinkers, interpretative dancers, G-chatters, cyclists, concert goers. they are my support system and I literally couldn't have done it without them.

so yeah, here I go again on my own. but I have an f-ing entourage at my back this time. and they make me feel grounded and content in who I am... and my future is that much sweeter because of it. rock on.

The Park Slope Accidental Tourist

2008-01-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

greetings from Brooklyn. I have survived my first 24+ hours in NYC (including a low-blood sugar induced wandering from Columbus Circle in the opposite direction of Lauren's office) and have lots to report. it is wonderful to be here, surrounded by people that I love and having a wonderful time doing fun things.

to re-cap... last night there was the Freud drawings at the MOMA, Thai food and much lounging with Lauren and Gifford at 88 Sterling Place.

all before we headed out to the Catty Shack for Brooklyn Lagers and illicit dancing. I should mention that on the 2 TVs at each end of the upstairs bar was playing "Beetlejuice" and "Purple Rain," respectively. the evening included the exchange of sno-ball money and ironic minty kisses on Maggie Gyllenhaal's street past 3 am.

today was all about exploring. Lauren and I spent the morning in Park Slope, getting a late breakfast at Cousin John's and wandering the shops of 5th and 7th Avenues. we then donned our long underwear and headed to Williamsburg and the Brookyln Brewery.
rosy cheeked from the beer and the cold, we wandered amongst the hipsters (are you too indie rock for me?) and bought books and pain au chocolat.

we then headed back into Manhattan to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge as the sun set.
what a magical day! the finale was some coal-fired oven-baked pizza at Grimaldi's at the base of the bridge. Yum! and tomorrow... ice skating in Bryant Park, shopping in SoHo, the Tenement Museum, and Belgian beer in the Village.

we now return to your regularly scheduled programming

2008-01-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

wow, I am sorry to say that we are into the last week of January and I have yet to put up a post in the New Year... murl. it's been a busy month so far and blogging hasn't really been on my radar screen. I should work on that.

there is lots to report. the house is on the market. I am writing a manuscript to submit to Neuron. thesis updates, beer dinners and festivals, game nights, movies, art openings, knitting, new friends, dates, and Sunday Spins. whew! it's hard for a girl to keep up!

some things that have been catching my eye lately:

the lack of media coverage of John Edwards leading to this on-point ad from his campaign
impending "Stagflation!"- what my AP Econ teacher taught me was the scariest economic situation ever... inflation with a stagnant economy. and he would know, he grew up in the 1970s
the need to have a real debate about science and technology policy in the US

I leave for NYC tomorrow. I am looking forward to getting out of StL and celebrating my Golden Birthday (I will turn 28 on the 28th this year) in the Big Apple, surrounded by some of my oldest and best friends in the world. I am excited to explore Brooklyn for the first time, to drink Belgian beer and eat pomme frittes with mayonaise, to go ice skating. expect some posts and pictures from my home-away-from-home in Park Slope over the next 5 days.

bring on the New Year

2007-12-31T08:33:00.000-08:00

it's the last day of 2007. hard to believe that another year has flown by. it seems like I was just celebrating my birthday or traveling to England or riding bikes or going to Cards games or sitting out on the deck after dark or drinking beer at Bottleworks.

i'm looking forward to 2008. to seeing the house sell and getting a new place. to writing and publishing my first paper. to meeting new people and spending time with all my amazing friends.

there will be more knitting projects, long bike rides, more experiments and beers and good meals and travel and dancing.

welcome 2008. i'm glad that you and all the new experiences you promise to bring are on my horizon.

another pleasant valley Sunday

2007-12-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

dear faithful Blog Reader,

as you may know it has been a rough Fall for our protagonist, i.e. me. today's post will feature some of the lighter moments of the weekend. I am enjoying a lovely morning in my pajamas. the sun is out, making the ~6 inches of snow on the ground quite luminescent. I made pancakes with real butter and maple syrup (of course!), uploaded photos, and am sipping on my second mug of Earl Grey tea (black, hot). I've listened to Ted Leo and danced around the kitchen. and am listening to Feist as I write this. here are some things on the agenda for today:

plan enough meals to get me through until next Sunday when I leave for Nashvegas
some final Christmas shopping
organizing the office
shoveling snow
reading
a potential appearance in lab
a definite appearance at Sunday Spin at Bottleworks

I am pleased to report that the protagonist baked holiday cookies on Friday night, consuming quite a few of them along with slices of mushroom pizza and g&t's. last night it was mulled wine, a huge spread of goodies (our lab is made up foodies, both novice and professional), unusual board games and thunder-snow-storms! I made the long and only slightly treacherous drive home from Webster in a little over 30 minutes.

trying to focus on the lightness of these moments and enjoying them for myself instead of feeling lonely. I do miss the closeness and sharing the little things with someone else. I think that it's human to continue to care... and it's hard to turn off. I've never ridden a tandem bicycle, but maybe once you get used to it, you struggle with pedaling and steering yourself instead of as a unit. but days like today remind me to get up and brush off my scraped knees and keep trying on my own.

my fingertips are holding onto...

2007-12-13T22:48:00.000-08:00

the cracks in my foundation...

sigh, kate nash.
check her out here...
and here...
good stuff with my seal of approval!

inspiration, perspiration

2007-12-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

inspire, a verb, defined in Webster's as...
1: to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural inspiration
2: to exert an animating, enlivening, or exalting influence on
3: to spur on

what inspires you? or let me rephrase that, are you being 1. influenced, 2. enlivened, or 3. spurred by something? what I am passionate about, what lights my fire... those are external things; it is easy to assign the role of inspiration to them. often, I think that what inspires me is instead within myself. it's not that I don't see beauty and joy in the world around me. I think those things are merely a reflection of what I see in myself. it is not the responsibility of the world to drive me to be great, to find peace and comfort in who I am. that potential has always been there. it is really a question of whether I pushed myself to see it... not whether I was around others who drove me to it... which is somewhat an anti-climactic actualization.

it's hard for me to see outsiders have such influence on me as a person. I think as human beings we are far too complicated for such simple arrhythmatic.

self "multiplied by" desired external force(s) "does not equal" realization.

there is no work, no calculus of life in that equation. thoughts?

Ferris Bueller, you're my hero

2007-12-04T06:26:00.000-08:00

I missed being born in the 1970s by 28 days, making me, officially, a child of the 80s. though I was too young to remember the earlier part of that decade, I do have vivid recollections of watching MTV (my favorite videos as a 4 YO were "Material Girl" and "Man Eater"- go figure) and being carried in my father's arms through the movie theater parking lot after seeing "Return of the Jedi." So while I didn't learn of the Brat Pack till I was on the hot-pink-cusp of the early 1990s, I felt a kindred spirit with John Hughes' MollyAllyJuddEmilioAndrewAnthonyJonDemi character. my high school senior quote was uttered by the baby-faced Mathew Broderick, who did for Ferrari's what Tom Cruise in "Risky Business" did for BVDs: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it."

At 17 it was easy to relate to the desire for independence and excess. being young. having a good time. just living your life. now 10 years down the line, I'm approaching my Golden Birthday- in January I will turn 28 on the 28th- and I feel like most people around me still want to be Peter Pan. not to say that there's something wrong with never growing up. I think most people feel nostalgic for the ease of childhood and the thrall of late adolescence. I wonder sometimes though, as I approach my thirties, how anyone can get to this point in her life and not know what the hell she wants and/or not already at least be on the verge of accomplishing it.

A while back Ms. Nola pointed me to an article in the New York Times describing my generation's love affair with the Odyssey years of their 20s. I've had my share of wandering and exploration. hell, according to the article, knitting groups, Teach for America, and Facebook stalking all instantly qualify me as Odysseus. and while I still haven't attained all the hallmarks of adulthood (career, financial independence, family, stability)- I feel like I've moved beyond what seems to be the 20-something quest of "finding yourself." now maybe I'm at fault for not longing for more, but honestly, I'm pretty damn happy with who I am and how I've lived my life so far. it's odd, as someone who feels secure in herself, to question whether I'm truly living enough thanks to the constant reminder that others are still stumbling forward in search of something bigger, better... bliss, zen, or whatever. why should I feel at a loss because I feel like I've already found that something in myself? right, Ferris?

bah, humbug!

2007-12-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

some current holiday commentary:

holidaze

2007-11-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

tonight is my last night in Nashvegas. it's been a good visit, but challenging nonetheless. damn the holidays. I haven't decided whether I'm abstaining this year... gifts, decorating, cards and cookies. sigh. seems like the activation energy is almost too large to overcome. maybe it will have to be a two-step reaction. anyone have a good catalyst? but there have been highlights to this trip. it's just hard to say whether they are able to fill the gaping holes in my life that family and tradition have made all too apparent while I've been here.

Wednesday night I saw Feist's fantastic show at the Ryman Auditorium. for you non-denizens of Music City USA, this would be the home of the Opry. a beautiful, historic building with phenomenal acoustics and pews for the audience that reflect the reverence of the space and the sound. Feist rightfully displayed the necessary adoration. the crowd ate it up and I felt honored to see her in that place on the last night of her tour. it was a great way to start my stay here.

Thursday was all about food and family. I spent the day cooking and watching football. butternut squash risotto, green bean casserole, roast turkey... to name a few. yum. we woke up early (yes, Virgina, Santa has to be up at 4 am to get the deals!) to hit the doorbusters on Friday morning. BDW is a HUGE Black Friday shopper. it's his tradition. he gets really into it. and I'm proud to say that I helped him snag a 37 inch LCD HDTV at Target with my mad speed walking skillz. he was making his purchases (the first for the store for the day!) as people from the the line were still entering the store. that takes dedication, my friends!

today has been pretty chill. we went to see I'm Not There at the Belcourt Theater, the last historic neighborhood theater in town.

really an incredible film. the soundtrack is great as well. it includes some unusual Bob Dylan interpretations from the likes of Sonic Youth and Yo La Tengo. I particularly like Cat Power's version of "Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again." Cate Blanchette looks like she walked off the cover of Bringing it all Back Home or maybe Highway 61 Revisited. I was completely transfixed. Cate as Dylan's angry young man... Academy Award winning actresses/drag kings... who knew? I say, go see it. you don't even have to take my word for it: the rock'n'roll gf dug it as well.

empty prayer, empty mouths, combien reaction

2007-11-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

two words keep resonating for me at the moment: passion and commitment.

I look at the very short arc of my life so far and can see both. I've been passionate about education in the real world, about research and the academy. I've made commitments to both- as a high school teacher and now a graduate student hoping to return to education one day in a different vein. but making choices and commitments to those ideas were not necessarily born out of being good at them. sure, I'm a smart kid... but being an academic has never come easy to me. I am interested in too many other things to become a slave to one question, one idea. I can be distracted, impatient. most of the time I feel mediocre at best at what I do. this may be a bit of self-berating, but I say it to make a point. I love what I do and that passion doesn't stem from merely being good at it. part of the passion is because it's hard and I have to work for it.

look at the commitments people make in their lives- to career, to family, to themselves. it seems that a lot of the time people make these commitments not because they are passionate about something, but because they are willing to settle for what they're good at, for what's easy and comfortable. and some people can do amazing things easily... but that doesn't mean that they necessarily care about them. maybe this is why there are those who can walk away from moments in their lives again and again. it's not that they have a short attention span when it comes to life, that they are serial monogamists or constantly changing the color of their parachute; instead, it's because they aren't invested enough in what they do, who they're with, etc. it's not that people can't or won't or don't commit, they just do it for the wrong reasons, in the wrong way.

for me, commitment stems from caring so much about something that's hard, something that you are willing to work tirelessly to hold on to. and that's where the passion lies. instead of looking for passion in what comes easy, passion arises when you struggle to make your dreams real. the expectation that happiness will happen when and where you find comfort or connection is too simple. knowing that I have battled and placed myself out there for things and people I believe in is the essence of passion, of commitment. and I am proud to be able to say those things about myself.

carrie brownstein, will you be my gf?

2007-11-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

sigh... thank you NPR for giving me something else I can use to procrastinate at work!

ps: no seriously, will you? cause I'm in dire need of a rock'n'roll girl right now.

SfN - a summary

2007-11-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

sorry I didn't manage to post during the last two days of the conference. just to fill you in on all the adventures that ensued Monday evening into Tuesday into Wednesday, I'll include some highlights below:

Monday night - Tuesday early AM

drank mojitos out of tiki glasses with plastic decorative monkeys at the Wash U social
drank g&t's while yelling from the bar the correct way to pronounce S's last name to the president-elect of SfN who was at the podium recognizing her award- ooops
drank champagne and was tipsy while presenting my 1-slide/1-minute to much applause
didn't get into the MIT party b/c of the line around the block
found the car in the deserted parking lot had been side-swiped
was packed and in bed by 2 am

Tuesday

up at 6 am to get ready and get to the convention center by 7ish
presented poster non-stop from 8 am to noon

collapse on floor of convention center
eat pizza and ice cream for lunch and do no science for the rest of the day- yay!
Herzog Nation dinner at the Prado in Balboa Park- lots of sangria and awesome food
re-pack and in bed by 11:30

Wednesday (aka airport hell day)

up at 4 am to get ready and take taxi to SD airport
board flight at 6 am for Chicago
arrive in Chicago to find flight to StL has been canceled- wtf?!
get re-booked on flight to cedar rapids, IA (no, I'm not kidding) with connection to StL
get on plane to cedar rapids - oil leaking from engine - get off plane (seriously, stop laughing)
get on new plane to cedar rapids
land in one of the smallest airports I have ever been in
get to walk outside to board next plane to StL- imagine North by Northwest
arrive in StL 3+ hours after I should have to find that my luggage is not on the belt
claim luggage that arrived hours earlier b/c it got on a direct flight
arrive home at 7 pm and crash

ah, SfN. thank god you are only once a year. as S says, "I f-ing hate this meeting!"

Day Three - Put my new shoes on!

2007-11-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

well, the meeting is finally gearing up for me. yesterday was a good combination of networking and neurons, which ended with a Nova-esque lecture by Sebastian Seung complete with 3D animations and space-age music. add in some afternoon retail therapy (shoes and lip gloss!) and a very chill girls' night out at a lovely seafood place in Old Town, Cafe Pacifica.

today I am running the gamut from slide sessions on circadian rhythms and drug abuse to posters on neuroscience education to a lecture on public advocacy and research by Newt Gingrich. tonight are the socials- Wash U, the celebration for S's Lindsley Prize, the LGBT neuroscientists, the circadian and sleep Datablitz, and the infamous MIT party... unfortunately, I have to present my poster tomorrow morning starting at 8 am. so I will be pacing myself this evening and hitting the hay earlier than I would normally on such an evening of free food and drinks. oh well.

also of note: I am actually presenting at the Datablitz tonight. my 1 minute/1 slide of fame. will let you know how it goes.

NGW - Day Two

2007-11-04T11:12:00.000-08:00

I have spent the morning sitting in a side hallway in the SD convention center trying to get some data analysis done to email back to a colleague at Wash U. this was a last minute deal, Thursday afternoon, when E asked me to try and get 3 more variables analyzed for oh, 200+ cells. blergh! I spent about 5 hours on it before I left for SD, another 3 on the plane, and after 2+ more this morning, I am finally done! yay! the thing is, I'm sure that no one is going to give a crap and ask about this particular figure on my poster, let alone the statistics we're using. but whatev. it's done.

there's not too much on tap for today. a few posters, a workshop, and a couple of talks. probably drinks and dinner out. and maybe some Sunday night football.

we had people over to the condo last night and I coordinated some BBQ action. chicken, burgers, light beer. good times. well, except for that whole light beer thing... J and D from B-more came out from their hotel downtown. some of my favorite people in the world. miss them.

it's been hazy/potentially sunny and pretty nice here. the ocean is amazing. right now I'm just trying not to think about other stuff too much and enjoy the science. we'll see how it goes.

ps... this post has nothing to do with wild neuroscientists and is kinda boring. sorry. I should mention that I almost convinced Q to flash downtown SD while driving our convertible PT Cruiser. that's semi-wild, right?

neuroscientists gone WILD! Day One

2007-11-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have descended upon San Diego. heh heh heh. arriving Friday evening to an already dark SD skyline (blame it on the haze from the fires?) and meeting up with S to consume 23 oz local beers in the hotel bar before heading out to dinner. tasty treats: Stone Brewing Co. Smoked Porter and some sexy, sexy food including crepes stuffed with Mexican cheese topped with home-made caramel and walnuts at Candelas. can I just say that I love per diem. yes, yes.

this morning we walked the 2 blocks to the beach from our condo. J, A, and I braved the chilly Pacific ocean as the sun burned off the morning clouds. off to the convention center soon, where the real fun begins...

if this is who gets under the "Big Tent" then I'm looking for a Winnebago!

2007-10-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

I went to my first Drinking Liberally event here in the Lou last week. it was held at the Royale, where they serve most excellent Tanq gimlets with fresh lime juice- straight-up with a sugared rim. mmmm gin gimlets... must thank that Mid-Atlantic women's college liberal arts education for developing my refined taste in cocktails. or as one guy I met at DL said, my refined taste in old lady drinks. as he explained, old ladies just want the booze. I suppose this is better than being saddled with the "girlie" drink tag.

so while sipping my gimlets, I chatted with the LGBT coordinator for the Obama '08 campaign in StL. seemed like a nice enough guy, though I was a bit disappointed in his response to the current McClurkin controversy.

just to summarize: Obama has hired a preacher/gospel artist, McClurkin, to participate in campaign fund-raising events. this particular guy is, to put it nicely, an anti-gay bigot. oh, who just happened to be "converted" from his sinful homosexual ways by finding Jesus. and he likes to go around associating himself with the likes of Exodus and others who praise the ways of curing gays! many liberal bloggers called out the Obama campaign on including McClurkin in this event, most prominently John Aravosis of Americablog, who has done an amazing job of keeping the story hot. eventually the HRC called out Obama for his position on this guy, and this is what I asked his LGBT coordinator I met at DL about. and the response...

"We are trying to be 'Big Tent' Democrats."
oh really? excuse me... blech

and then he proceeded to bring up Hillary and her positions/problems. don't get me wrong, I am not some huge Hillary supporter. in fact, I haven't really gotten behind anybody in the primary race. right now Chris Dodd and John Edwards are the only 2 guys who are consistently voicing positions that are progressive enough for me to get excited about... and there is not much chance for either of them gaining the nomination. and talking about Hillary is just a distraction from the bigger issue: in an attempt to be "Big Tent"- a phase that I absolutely hate- Obama and his campaign are giving a platform and a microphone to a known bigot. and denouncing his position does not take away this fact. you can't say, "wait, we don't think he is right, but we want him to come to our party because he will bring votes and money from people who think like he does!" Bah!

I am a progressive. and I am not anti-religion. those two things are not mutually exclusive, regardless of what the Right Wing Machine would have you believe. but anyone who preaches that being queer is an abomination is preaching hate. period. and why anyone who is claiming to be a progressive would want that associated with their campaign is beyond me. I have yet to hear a valid explanation from an Obama supporter or queer person why I would want to be under the "Big Tent" with a group of people who think I should be "cured" and that homosexuality is a "curse!"

a little mood music

2007-10-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

I really like this video from the UK's Bat for Lashes... it's spooky, melancholy, and involves costumes- making it perfect for Halloween!

also: bikes.
'nuff said.

return of the prodigal daughter

2007-10-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

well, I'm back in the Lou after some much needed R&R in Nashvegas. It was my Dad's birthday, a convenient excuse to get the heck out of Missouri and spend time with family. Well, that and the whole my-life-is-falling-apart bit.

some interesting news to report from the dirty South... first of all, the high rise condo craze has descended on the city. everywhere you look there's a crane and a hole in the ground. guess what's going to be there? condos. quarter of a million dollar and up condos. it's like a plague of locusts with drywall and Sub-zero refrigerators. and they have ridiculous names like "Rhythm" and shit. honestly, I don't think there are enough warm bodies in Nashville to fill all these frippin condos. even the local free paper had an article about over-building while I was there, though their take was a bit less grim.

even with all the condos going up, it was nice to head out to Radnor Lake (our own little Walden Pond at the edge of Metro Nashville) and hike around. my Dad, step-mom and I saw a barred owl, which I took to be a positive sign. I have a thing for owls. and this one was so beautiful. it was just nice to be in the same moment as that creature and to know that there is karmic balance somewhere in the universe for everything going on in my life right now.

I also ate way, waaaaay too much food while I was there. starting at the Tin Angel on Wednesday night for my Dad's birthday. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I had never been to the Tin Angel before, but I did leave the city before I was much of a gourmand- I mean, at 18 you consider Waffle House an example culinary excellence. mmmm... scattered, smothered, and covered... the food at Tin Angel was excellent and the little place reminded me a bit of my favorite StL restaurant, Atlas. unfortunately, I didn't get my Tex-Mex fix in on this visit. but there will be plenty of other opportunities. Nashville has a very large and growing Latino population. it is always cool to drive through parts of town I remember vividly from my childhood and see an entirely new community taking shape there, including billboards in Spanish.

all in all, a re-energizing visit. hopefully I can push through this week and finish getting ready for Society for Neuroscience 2007. in 2 weeks me and 30,000+ of my closest neuroscience friends will be taking over San Diego for 5 days. I'm sure that you are anticipating the blog posts as we speak.

Oh I'll be the one to break my heart

2007-10-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

I keep playing a song from Feist's album "The Reminder" over and over... I feel it all, I feel it all... like a little mantra. this week has definitely kicked my ass. I am so behind. it's hard not to feel like an old engine in desperate need of a tune-up. I keep sputtering forward, but no where close to humming along. fits and starts. lack of focus. I guess this is what happens when you are starting over from a huge loss. things feel battered and broken, maybe parts are a bit rusty and you have to knock off the dust and get everything back into a groove. I know it will happen sooner or later. it kinda has to, I suppose. eventually you acquire enough momentum to overcome the inertia.

not that there aren't good things to report. my work, when I'm actually thinking about it, is moving along nicely. I have the Society for Neuroscience meeting in San Diego next month. I was selected to present at the Circadian and Sleep Data Blitz, which is a pretty big deal. I should be able to start writing a paper or two in January and need to start working on figures for those. as well as my poster and slide for SfN. all my outreach stuff is great. busy busy. it's exciting to see how many students and teachers we are reaching in St. Louis with our Brain Awareness events. I'm spending time with friends, trying to meet new people, reconnecting.

I want to start writing real posts again... on politics, food, culture, education. these things are barely on my radar at the moment. just gotta take it one bit at a time. more soon.

I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen...

2007-10-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

thank you, Lloyd Dobler.

thank you.

how certain times in your life would make a really good short story, part 1

2007-10-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

despite the ridiculous heat that continues here in Missouri this weekend (it should NOT be over 90 degrees in October- damn you, Al Gore!) my friends and I had some most excellent adventures. thank you, awesome support system, for taking me out and showing me a good time. so now some highlights:

on Saturday, I climbed into Santiago's new Mini with Kim and we all headed West. our first stop was the Robller Vineyards, an old favorite. we ate and drank in the intense sunshine.

with one bottle down and a few purchased for later, we started tracking back east towards Augusta to try a few new spots. the wine was okay and we were a little put off by the large crowds of "tailgaters" at a few of the places. luckily we found a pretty nice patch of grass at Balducci's and amused ourselves listening to the cover band and watching an 9 or 10 year old boy spin around in circles.

after leaving Balducci's we headed down into Augusta, a tiny town which boasts not 1, but 2 wineries, a microbrewery, several adorable B&B's and access to the Katy Trail. we sampled some tasty wine and beer and I enjoyed taking photos in the beautiful late afternoon light.

we finished our day at Montelle's, which wins the prize for the tastiest red I had tried all day, as well as the best view. rolling Missouri hills, trains, good wine shared with friends, boursin cheese and baguette, and an amazing sunset. I couldn't have written it any better...

stay tuned for part 2 soon...

isn't she?

2007-10-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

she turns herself 'round

and she smiles and she says
"this is it...
that's the end of the joke."

shout outs to:
my literary and musical saviors.
Gchat procrastinators.
purveyors and connoisseurs of food and drink.
those of you who are just checking in... regularly.
the first days of Fall.
weekend plans. (Shaw Art Fair, Best of MO market, winery tours, gardening)
plane tickets.
bike rides.
a Chancellor Emeritus.
birthdays.
knitting.
new things. (babies, houses, cars)
and trying to move on...

not for all the tea in China
not if I could sing like a bird
not for all North Carolina
not for all my little words
not if I could write for you
the sweetest song you ever heard
it doesn't matter what I'll do
not for all my little words

from the desk of Claire McCaskill

2007-09-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

some of you might remember the letter that I sent to my Senator, Claire McCaskill, after the FISA vote at the beginning of August. this was before Attorney General Gonzales resigned and my life entered its current tailspin... another story altogether with nothing to do with Gonzo. but I mentioned that I would share any reply that I received. Here's the email I got last week:

Dear Ms. Webb:

Thank you for contacting me regarding the Protect America Act of 2007 (S. 1927). I appreciate hearing from you, and I welcome the chance to respond.

On August 1, 2007, I was faced with a stark reality: the Director of National Intelligence sent a letter warning the Senate of the heightened threat of international terrorism, and urging us to modernize the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) before the August recess “to ensure that we do not have critical gaps in our ability to provide warnings of threats to the country”. The call to quickly revise FISA in order to reflect developments in telecommunications technology was echoed by four Democratic members of the Senate Intelligence Committee. I chose to heed these urgent warnings.

I voted for two measures to amend the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. I preferred the legislation offered by Senators Rockefeller and Levin; however, it failed to gather the 60 votes needed to pass. I also voted for the Bond-McConnell version, which did receive enough votes to pass. Corresponding legislation was later approved by the House of Representatives, and the President quickly signed the bill into law.

It is important to recognize that this legislation is a temporary fix to provide our intelligence community with the most immediate tools needed to protect our country – it will be in place for only six months, and it cannot be renewed before it is thoroughly reviewed and authorized by Congress. This gives us six months to create a more acceptable permanent intelligence collection process that that allows us to effectively monitor terrorist communications overseas while also protecting the privacy of law-abiding American citizens. I can assure you I will be one of the Senators working hard to re-establish the constitutional protections that have been eroded by this President and this temporary FISA legislation.

Again, thank you for taking the time to share your concerns with me. Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of any further assistance.

All best,
Senator Claire McCaskill

this is a very even-handed response. fair, I would say. I like Claire. I think she has convictions. I am pretty disappointed, however, that she was swayed so heavily by what is now being investigated as a totally bogus terror threat on the Capitol that was used by the Administration to get what they wanted with the FISA bill. See here for some great coverage Keith Olbermann has been giving the topic.

heavy rotation

2007-09-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

and every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me...

there are places I'll remember, all my life
though some have changed
some forever, not for better
some have gone and some remain

sunrise doesn't last all morning
a cloudburst doesn't last all day
seems my love is up and left you with no warning
it's not always going to be this gray
all things must pass
all things must pass away

and somebody told me
that this is the place
where every thing's better,
where every thing's safe
walk on the ocean
step on the stones
flesh becomes water
wood becomes bone

when I'm alone
when I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
when I've lost all care for the things I own
that is when I miss you,
that is when I miss you,
you who are my home, you who are my home

she gave him everything that she had
changed anything he said was bad
love weighed on her heart like marble stone
a flash of the knife and he was gone
he said he would give her the sun and the moon
now all she has is this eight-by-eight room
killing him didn't make the love go away

children by the million sing for Alex Chilton
when he comes 'round
they sing "I'm in love. What's that song?
I'm in love with that song."

Reno Dakota, I'm reaching my quota
of tears for the year
alas and alack you don't call me back
you have just disappeared
it makes me drink beer

when you're mind's made up,
when you're mind's made up
there's no point in trying to change it

you say love is a hell you cannot bear
I say give me mine back and then go there, for all I care...

Taxi zum Klo

2007-08-29T07:28:00.000-07:00

During my junior year of college I took a course entitled Masculinity and Femininity in German Film. As a chemistry major, I didn't often find my way out of the science building, but when I had the opportunity to take a sociology or fem-gen (that would be feminist and gender studies) class, I jumped at the chance. And obviously, I couldn't resist one taught by the illustrious Imke Meyer, purveyor of the best German dyke hair on campus and never without her denim jacket, Levis, and black boots. Ah, Imke... starry-eyed women followed her in droves, I swear- she was the Pied Piper of the German department! (yeah, I just equated queer undergrads with rats... sorry)

So in Imke's class we screened some amazing German films. I was introduced to the earth-shattering Louise Brooks for the first time in Pandora's Box. And by the end of the course, we were watching more modern fair including the film that the title of this post takes it name from, Taxi zum Klo, or Taxi to the Toilet. This film depicted the story of a gay man cruising for sex in the public toilets of West Berlin. I wrote my final paper for the course contrasting scenes of domesticity with scenes of cruising with the thesis that the director, Frank Ripploh, sought to argue that both exist as homosexual lifestyles and that they are not mutually exclusive.

With that back-story in mind, let's talk about Larry Craig. If you've been living under a rock for the last few days, Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has been doing his best Mr. Hand impression on CNN, proclaiming his non-gayness after news aired that he had pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor indecency charge stemming from playing footsie and propositioning an under-cover police officer in a men's room in the Minneapolis Airport. Senator Craig mistakenly thought that if he plead guilty that this little incident would just go away- obviously it hasn't and now he's claiming that he did nothing wrong and it was a big mistake to take a plea. A man who is a US Senator didn't retain counsel and is now whining about some miscarriage of justice. Yeah, I know. Dumb. Oh, and I should mention that Senator Craig has a 0% voting record on gay rights issues, including voting for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage and voting multiple times to exclude sexual orientation from hate crimes legislation. Hypocritical much?

And, what, you may ask, does Larry Craig have to do with an erotic German comedy from the 1980s? Based on his voting record, Senator Craig does not believe that queer individuals deserve the basic rights afforded to all Americans to enjoy life, liberty, and the like. Based on his behavior, Senator Craig uses cruising to engage his closeted feelings in an anonymous way without the necessity of having a real relationship. Larry Craig does not allow himself (or maybe does not believe he deserves) those scenes of domesticity, and therefore, does not believe that the rest of the queer community deserves to have them. Senator Craig, I don't care that you would rather cruise than have a life with someone of the same sex, but don't keep me from having both my sexuality and my rights and humanity.

I am as constant as a northern star...

2007-08-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

constant in the darkness, where's that at?

it's been a week of intense flux here. and honestly, flux is not a bad thing. it's too easy to be complacent about who and where you are in your life. sometimes we all need a good challenge. I am more than ready for it. to evolve. how very adult of me, right?

I heard an amazing cover of joni mitchell's "case of you" on the radio yesterday. the band who was performing totally punched up the baseline and it had a driving intensity, such a contrast to mitchell's open tuning acoustics. you could really feel the longing within the lyrics- in a different way than I had ever heard it before. "case" was on a mix tape that my first college girlfriend gave me when I was 19. seems like a lifetime ago. in late adolescence I think we often believe that only our experiences have truly run the gamut of emotion. no one could possibly feel what we feel, have felt. at 19 I was there with joni in the bar, I was feeling what she was feeling. at least that's what I thought at the time.

sitting on my back porch this week, looking at the stars, laura mentioned that she thinks about how old the light from the stars is- it has traveled so far to reach us it's likely that those stars may no longer even exist. talk about being constant... to be present and observed by others long after you yourself have been extinguished. I would want to be a star, an institution in the sky. that way, regardless of when I burned out and faded away, it would take lifetimes before I could truly be gone.

I'd have permanence, even in a state of flux.

back 2 skool

2007-08-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Staples says that it's the most wonderful time of the year. the yellow school buses were out in force this morning; and, thankfully they didn't slow down my ride much. it will be interesting to see how the state take-over will affect the StL City schools this year. after last year's nightly news tele-novella, "As Veronica O'Brien Turns..." I'm curious to see if having the district run by grown-ups will change things. for the sake of the teachers and students, I can at least hope for a bit more consistency. it's difficult to say whether the independent board will have St. Louis' best interests at heart. besides the 7% drop in enrollment, it looks like the first day went off without a hitch.

I've had my own back to school rituals here in the lab... cleaning and re-organizing piles of papers and data from the last 4 months. filing stuff away. buying a new planner insert. switching over to Gmail. registering for a Kayaking class at Forest Park Community College. almost everything except a new lunch box and the smell of freshly sharpened pencils. guess that's what happens when you are a full-time graduate student. there's a lot to look forward to in the coming semester. I have the opportunity to give a couple of scientific talks. I'm presenting data at a national meeting. some fun road trips and other adventures are planned. writing a grant. and hopefully I will start working on getting a couple of manuscripts together for submission.

flight of the conchords

2007-08-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

for those of you who don't know Bret and Jermaine, they would be the 4th most popular digi-folk parody duo from New Zealand. both the BBC, and now HBO, have aired shows featuring their trials and tribulations of trying to make it in the music business. it's some damn funny stuff...

the show is kinda like "The Monkees" for the 21st century. well, except that there's only 2 of them. and some of their songs are about sex. well, not that Monkees songs weren't about sex... but these songs are a little less subtle than "Daydream Believer" anyways, if you watch the clips below you'll get the idea :)

so if you liked these and have HBO, you should definitely check them out.

spy like US

2007-08-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

I was returning from the float trip last weekend when I heard that Congress had passed the "overhaul" to the FISA law. and unfortunately, our new Democratic senator from MO, Claire McCaskill, voted for the "Protect America Act of 2007"- obviously, I'm not happy about it. here's the email I sent her office...

Dear Senator McCaskill,

I am writing because of your vote to pass the "Protect America Act of 2007" last week. I am disappointed that you have given the Bush Administration further accessibility into the private lives of American citizens by adopting these changes to the FISA law. It is especially startling that these modifications allow our Attorney General, not a court or independent body, to issue warrants for phone calls and email communications without additional scrutiny and limited oversight by Congress. As I'm sure you are aware, the Attorney General is currently under investigation by Congress for his involvement in the politicization of the Justice Department and firing of US Attorneys. The fact that you would vote to give permission for the Attorney General to wiretap American citizens is shocking!

I was thrilled when you won our Senate seat, hoping that you would work for change in Washington. In general, I have been pleased with your stance on most issues. However, your current position on the FISA program is not acceptable to me as a MO resident who values privacy rights for all citizens and the proper oversight for the executive branch when it feels necessary to listen to any American's communications.

Sincerely,
Alexis B. Webb

grumble grumble. I will keep you posted on any response that I receive. the bill has a 6-month sunset date, if this is much of a silver lining. Congress, including several Democratic members, has given the Bush Administration legal cover for its continued warrantless wiring tapping efforts until next February. How is this okay? Polling data shows that most Americans (this is not a partisan issue, friends) think that eavesdropping on citizens is not cool. we can all hope that Congress actually changes the FISA law during this time to allow for more, not less, oversight. but it should happen sooner and not later, if we have any hope of getting the Bush Administration's hands out of the privacy rights cookie jar.

for more info on all things FISA and other goodness, check out Glenn Greenwald's blog over at Salon. if I was to ever fall for the cartoon version of someone, it would have to be Glenn Greenwald- man, I dig his cartoon-self!

also, this animation featuring "Snuggly the Security Bear" is quite informative.

nightswimming or report from west bumblefuck

2007-08-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Male fireflies flashing in unison along the riverbanks in Malaysia
hard to believe that we are already careening wildly through August. the summer is slipping away and what with the record heat here in StL, I'm not too sad to see it go. at least, not at the moment. this weekend was one where you have a chance to sit around and reflect on the end of summer and what it means. maybe it was the fact that we got out of the city- staying at Laura's waaay out in west county on Friday night. hiking though Castlewood state park and staring out at the Meramec from the bluffs above, thin and narrow, withdrawn from the banks. swimming late into the evening under a sky with stars, laughing at ourselves in the water. walking home with wet towels and empty beer bottles, the smell of chlorine lingering like a film. these moments get added to endings of summers past.

at the end of my 15th summer, I saw REM in concert at the Starwood amphitheater in Nashville during a thunderstorm... which I would deem, as with many events both momentous and minuscule, a defining moment of my adolescence. we had paid the extra money to have seats under the awning, but we were so close to the back, we got wet anyways. Michael Stipe dedicated this song to all the beautiful people singing and dancing in the grass. my newly purchased rock n roll t-shirt smelled of rain and beer. this song will always elicit a reaction in me... part desire, part fear. feelings that echo the departure of summer, as we inch slowly towards it.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,
Turned around backwards so the windshield shows
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse
Still, it's so much clearer
I forgot my shirt at the water's edge
The moon is low tonight

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago,
The fear of getting caught,
Of recklessness and water
They cannot see me naked
These things, they go away,
Replaced by everyday

Nightswimming, remembering that night
September's coming soon
I'm pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?
That bright, tight forever drum
Could not describe nightswimming

You, I thought I knew you
You, I cannot judge
You, I thought you knew me,
This one laughing quietly underneath my breath
Nightswimming

The photograph reflects,
Every streetlight a reminder
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

Endeavor and Barbara Morgan

2007-08-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

The Challenger Space Shuttle exploded on my 6th birthday. I have vivid memories of watching the television at my grandparents after kindergarten (it was a half-day) during the launch and the explosion that immediately followed.

Next year, for my 1st grade space unit, my Dad and I built a space-rover and painted it red and blue with a plastic hatch made from some toy packaging. we named it the USS McAullife after the teacher who died in the Challenger accident, Christa McAullife.

Today the teacher who served as Ms. McAullife's backup, Barbara Morgan, will board the Shuttle Endeavor for its first launch in 5 years. I applaud her for carrying on the dream that ended so abruptly on January 28, 1986. As a child who grew up observing the space program operating in the shadow of that tragedy, I am happy to see a teacher will again have this opportunity. Have a safe journey, Barbara. We will see you touch the future.

your daily gay

2007-08-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

yes, ladies and gentleman, it's time to update you on some of the news from out here in queer-ville that's got me a bit hot under the collar. and, no, not in a good way...

first we have this bit out of VA, the state that brought you the anti-partnership laws that prevents two people of the same sex entering into any sort of legal contract together, where in a out-of-court settlement the Arlington school district will now allow Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX) to distribute "conversion" materials to students at schools. Really, this is what we need to tell queer high school kids- that they are simply feeling "unwanted same-sex attractions" and that all they need to do is embrace their "innate heterosexual potential." like they don't already have enough to deal with, queer students will now get to take home lovely brochures featuring diverse and now ex-gay kids! the ex-gay movement has been debunked by the American Psychological Association, who rightly argues that no sound scientific evidence suggests sexual orientation can be changed. this doesn't keep ex-gay groups like Exodus from peddling their lies to the population of StL. luckily we have some pretty righteous folks here that think Exodus and the like are BS. riding my bike past this billboard every day made me proud to know that we are standing up against this kind of "love the sinner, hate the sin- we just want to help you gays" crap.

my other report is equally stomach churning: wacko-nutjob Rev. Fred Phelps will be protesting at the funerals of those killed in the I-35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis. it's not like there's a lack of funerals for Iraq war vets for Phelps to crash, it's just that the bridge collapse was obviously caused because MN is way too accepting of us queers. and, as we all know, God hates the Gay. and therefore, according to Phelps, God hates Minnesota. I hope all you MN residents out there are aware of this. let the counter protesting begin!

it's like herding cats...

2007-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

one of my all time favorite Super Bowl commercials was for a digital technology management company called EDS. it features a group of cow-, er, catboys, telling stories about their lives on the range. it's classic.

now imagine trying to organize a group of ~12 neuroscientists for a camping and floating trip on the Upper Meramec. a bit of back-story here: simply having my lab arrive on time to journal clubs and seminars is a bit of a headache. however, we're usually first in line if food is involved. we are notorious for showing up early for the monthly birthday cake provided by the Biology department, grabbing our multiple pieces and heading back to the lab before anyone else arrives. ah, the irony of studying circadian timing and yet never being punctual!

Sunday and Monday we all got together outside of Steelville, MO to camp, paddle, and of course, eat. Michele and I arrived late Sunday afternoon to find a veritable tent city, which we gladly added ourselves to. Everyone else was off swimming at the river, so we tossed around a football and helped ourselves to beers in the cooler. Now, I must mention that I have a bad habit of always being "the Organizer." This trip, for example, was not my responsibility and yet I was the one who ended up deciding where to float and making the reservations. At least I didn't get stuck with planning the food, though we did end up shopping with my Costco card. So, not being in charge of the food, I made M keep me from trying to butt in. This is an unfortunate mutual condition of Organizing- if you let someone else do it, you sit around thinking about how you could do it better.

Dinner was pretty late on Sunday, M was getting close to gnawing on the small children and she doesn't eat meat. It was quite tasty though. Thank goodness we brought a couple of propane stoves. And we had a ton of leftovers. Pounds and pounds of chicken, brisket, etc. The little Organizer voice kept telling me that I could have planned it better... but sometimes it's better to relax a little bit, which is something that I can always work on.

in the end, everything worked out beautifully. we had a fantastic float. I got to paddle Laura's kayak that my boss was kind enough to strap to his station wagon and drive down for me. we finished 9 miles of river in about 4 hours with 3 stops and were able to get the visiting post-doc candidate back to StL in time for her flight. having all of the lab together is a good time. you just have to remember that it's like herding cats... and to be able to enjoy it, you have to sit back, smile, and just let it be.

women:dogs :: _____:bitches

2007-07-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes the things that come out of people's mouths really floor me. sometimes, I'm not too surprised. take, for example, the latest comparison between the Mike Vick federal dog fighting case and the rape case brought against Kobe Bryant (and ultimately dropped) in 2004. From Feministing:

Below is part of a transcript where CNN sports reporter Larry Smith tells Nancy Grace that dog fighting is worse than rape.

SMITH: Yes, well, that's -- he's been in a lot of trouble lately, when you think about all the other incidents, and this is just the worst one of all. Keep in mind, too, that while Kobe Bryant is a situation we can sort of compare this to, this really is much worse. Not only can you argue that the crimes are much worse in terms of, you know, killing dogs and that kind of thing, but as an NFL starting quarterback, you are the most visible face in that city. I`ve said all along, in fact, you know, if you go through and, you know, very quickly name 10 mayors of major cities in the country...

GRACE: Larry Smith, did I just hear you say...

SMITH: ... you could have a harder time doing that...

GRACE: ... mistreatment of...

SMITH: ... than naming 10 NFL starting quarterbacks.

GRACE: Did I just hear Larry Smith, CNN sports correspondent and anchor, state that crimes on a dog are much worse than crimes on a woman? Did I hear that?

uh, yeah. and you wonder why rape remains so prevalent on college campuses across the country. at Wash U, a campus of approximately 10,000 undergraduates, 35 rapes were reported from 2003-2005. imagine having a 0.4% chance of being raped during your 4 years of college. and this is based on what was reported. if the media feels that major sports figures are in bigger trouble when they harm animals (and don't get me wrong, the initial reports of the Vick case are sickening) than when they assault women, they are only feeding the beast. the attitude among some college athletes will continue to be that rape is OK, that it's a woman's problem if she doesn't "want it," etc.

so, if you were curious about the answer to the analogy above, how to fill in the blank, I should let you know that it's a trick question. in the eyes of Larry Smith and some members of the sports community, there is no comparison. they're all the same thing.

boats, pies, and squirrels

2007-07-27T06:59:00.000-07:00

it's been a busy week. I haven't had much time to catch my breath, let alone write some posts. not that busy = bad. it's been a fairly low stress in lab with Erik at UCSB and spending all day doing data analysis is not very taxing, if only slightly mind-numbing.

last Friday we went to see Ani Difranco at Live on the Levee. I can't believe how much older Ani looks from when I saw her in 2002-2003... making records and having babies will do that I suppose. hard to believe that I've listened to her music for more than half my life. weird. we road 34 miles out and back to Chain of Rocks bridge on Saturday and I have the peeling sunburn to prove it. not that it's still red- it all went in and turned tan. now it just feels like I'm molting. and Sunday I paddled on the Meramec with Laura and saw her new place out in West Bumblefuck... which, for all my jokes, is very, very close to the river.

and I feel like a kid with all my after-school activities. granted, my mode of transportation is a Bianchi and not a mini-van equipped with a soccer mom, a Capri Sun and a granola bar, but you get the idea.

Monday - Yoga
Tuesday - Bike to REI, buy and cut PVC pipe, clean and re-organize Laura's car
Wednesday - Paddle on Creve Cour lake, hang slalom gates, softball playoff game (which we won!)
Thursday - Bike to Maplewood for Meghan's birthday party, Schlafly

we got the go-ahead to start on our kitchen remodel from a contractor friend (it pays to be a regular at the Bottleworks, really it does) and just need to get the plumber out to take a look and give us an estimate. then we can start tearing into drywall and taking down cabinets. I think we've decided to do the IKEA thing and drive to Chicago (how very Sufjan Stevens of us!) though we have a little time left to decide.

the highlight(s) of the week have a common theme: Laura. dancing and singing to ancient CDs from the *gasp* 1990s while using a hacksaw was a blast. then, the capture of our eggplant by a rodent beanie baby in a Dread Pirate Roberts mask made Michele's week...

a bit of a side note here: we have been battling squirrels in our garden all summer. both the tomato and eggplant have been decimated just before the fruit is large/ripe enough to harvest. M has declared war and has been spreading blood meal everywhere. next stop, fox urine!

and then, the piece de resistance, homemade raspberry pie. surprise homemade raspberry pie. how many people are lucky enough to come home to find this being made in their kitchen by a sexy C1W paddler?

Laura, you rock.

i heart rachel maddow

2007-07-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

makes me wish I had cable TV and satellite radio, oh yes...

and who knew that she was the first out Rhodes scholar?! excuse me while I take a moment...

superman returns

2007-07-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

seems that I have been pushing my body a bit harder than usual lately. not that this is a bad thing- it feels good to be the most active I've been since college. I was biking and doing yoga regularly before our trip to England. and while we were there, I'm sure we clocked about 100 miles walking, not to mention our bike trips to Old Sarum and Stonehenge. since we've been back there's been more biking, paddling, yoga, and then this week, rugby.

I haven't had my cleats on since the alumnae game in May '03, though they and my deflated ball (now inflated) still ride around in the trunk of my car just waiting for a good time. playing touch on Tuesday night reminded again me of how much I miss the sport. there's a development camp for one of the St. Louis women's teams a week from Saturday. I think I'm going to give it a go. even if I feel like my schedule prevents me from giving up too many weekends (starting 4th year of grad school=no weekends off), it would be nice to get back into playing. besides, it's a legal way to hit people when you're pissed off and support hookers. that, and I get to wear the superman shirt that Michele thought she had made me throw out :)

UPDATE: Sound Salvation

2007-07-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

Looks like Internet radio stations have been issued a brief reprieve. SoundExchange is holding off on collecting royalty fees for now, but we'll see what happens.

More info here, here, and here.

H/t to Ms. Nola

happy happy

2007-07-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

here are some pictures from our 6th anniversary last Friday, July 13th. we went to the Community Table at Whole Foods and had an amazing time. this is a weekly dinner WF has on Friday nights where participants wander the store, pick out ingredients, and watch some fantastic chefs prepare an amazing meal for them! I definitely recommend it.

Dolores Umbridge and NCLB

2007-07-15T04:16:00.000-07:00

Those of you not living with a kid or a 30-year old lesbian may have missed the fact that the 5th installment of the Harry Potter film epic, The Order of the Phoenix, premiered on Wednesday. We saw the late screening at the Moolah Theater here in Saint Louis. The Moolah is a converted temple with one of the widest non-IMAX screens I have ever seen, couches, beer and cocktails, and a bowling alley in the basement. Awesome.

I had a great time; and was immediately reminded that Order of the Phoenix is somewhat of a biting commentary on the American educational system, specifically No Child Left Behind, by J.K. Rowling. Harry's main foil in the book, in addition to the usual Lord Voldemort (who my money is on to be the next Republican named in the DC Madam scandal...), is Dolores Umbridge, an educational lackey from the Ministry of Magic who becomes the new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.

One of the most telling scenes in both the book and the film begins with Professor Umbridge welcoming her students on their first day of class. She describes to the 5th years how they will be learning to defend themselves from evil not by, well, learning how to defend themselves, but by studying the dark arts in a nice, safe theorhetical bubble. Oh, and then taking a test on it. There is no practice, no hands-on learning to develop students' ability to think for themselves. They become little sponges that must simply soak up the information with no need to understand or apply it. Umbridge's rise to power becomes the arc of the story and her transformation of Hogwarts School into a veritable police state has some very interesting implications for us Americans.

The bills for the reauthorization and improvement of 2001's No Child Left Behind Act are making their way through Congress this session. Since the enactment of this large, unwieldy, and underfunded piece of legislation, there has been much debate about whether high stakes testing and "adequate yearly progress" are valuable additions and measures of education reform. I believe that accountability is key, having taught in a struggling school system with teachers and administrators that sometimes care more about their pay check and having summers off than their students' learning. However, there must be a better way to get physical and human resources to the schools that need them the most. Why are science classes in low-income schools still being taught by individuals without a bachelor's degree in the subject?! Why do administrators have to spend their time doctoring attendance records in order to ensure that their school receives funding?! Obviously, if schools are having attendance problems it is a symptom of a larger epidemic in the quality of our educational system, and the disparity in quality based on socio-economic situation. This is a problem NCLB has yet to address... let alone, how we will prepare high school graduates competent enough to enter college and careers when they spend all their time memorizing and testing instead of applying high order thinking skills.

We have to wait and see if any real change will be made to NCLB. The law has had some positive consequences, but I'm not sure if it has led to any real progress in our most struggling schools, like those in Saint Louis and Baltimore. Secretary of Education, Margaret Spellings, seems to think so. And of course if we said otherwise, you can imagine her with an Umbridge-esque twitter demanding us to write, "I will not tell lies."

UPDATE: Status of Internet Radio

2007-07-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

Today is July 15th, and thanks to the decision by the Copyright Royalty Board to increase rates for streaming music online, it could be the day the music dies for many independent web-casters. Here's the email I received from XPN.

Dear Indy Music Lover,

Thank you for signing our online petition in support of the Internet Radio Equality Act. You joined over 11,000 others in telling our Representatives in Washington how strongly the XPN community feels on this issue. We gave the petition to Senator Specter’s office, and while he has expressed sympathy for our concerns, he has yet to commit to supporting the bill.

The current situation is less than encouraging. Our request in court for a stay of the July 15 roll-out date for the new royalty rates (retroactive for 18 months) has been denied. It is highly unlikely that Congress will move on this legislation in the near future. The consensus on the Hill is that this should be resolved through negotiations.

Talks have yet to be productive. They will continue right through the deadline. I’m still somewhat optimistic that we can find common ground that is in the best interest of both artist and audience. We do not plan any changes in our internet music streaming until we have exhausted all alternatives. I will update you when there is any news.

If you are interested in receiving weekly e-news with other XPN events and news, please click here.

Keep the faith!
Roger LaMay
General Manager

Let's hope that some compromise can be reached and that web-listeners will continue to have great stations like XPN available to them online.

more Bush*t

2007-07-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

another day, another press conference. *vomit* yet the one thing you still won't see on CNN, would be the returning Iraq war dead.

singer-songwriter John Flynn has an amazing tune called "Dover" on his album "Two Wolves" that only begins to skim the surface of how I feel about this endless war.

Elijah was a sergeant, 42 years old
from Mesa Arizona, Elijah won't grow old
Patrick was with C Troop, Second Armored Cav
His buddies all remember how Patrick loved to laugh
Seth was from East Brunswick, just a newly wed
Somewhere in New Jersey a young widow bows her head
Daniel was from Boston shipped out from Fort Bragg
His mother got back Daniel with a folded flag

Oh big airplane bring’em down easy
Out of the Delaware skies
Oh big airplane Dover is waiting
to welcome the heroes you fly… home

...Scrubbed wooden pallets with white straps cinched over
Long boxes of flag draped aluminum
The C-5 is crowded when it lands in Dover
The honor guard boards and makes room again

Making straight for Nineveh, just like Jonah’s whale
Holy truth you swallow, overseas you sail
Precious is the cargo sacred was the gift
offered in the sandstorm from which your wings lift
Those who would pay homage can’t watch you set down
Behind barbed wire sentries miles from their town
No one breathes to question this silent parade
Except for the anguished loved ones left to say

© 2005 Flying Stone Music

it's like learning to play piano or to speak Italian...

2007-07-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

I never knew I was just "practicing" being a lesbian! What a relief!

Check out the continuing subtle, yet bigoted coverage of us crazy queers by the MSM.

homecoming

2007-07-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

last night our Odysseus returned from one of her many journeys. thankfully, we had no suitors to deal with, so I helped Telemachus prepare dinner. stuffed butterflied shrimp over mushroom risotto served with sauteed summer squash.

we heard tales of great adventures, of Scylla and Charybdis, over many glasses of prosecco and white wine.

and the finale: mojito sorbet with rum and club soda.

everyone went to bed full of food and drink and good company, to dream of rivers and sun and our place in the world...

dear lady, welcome home. I'm glad you're back.

la fin du monde (as we know it)

2007-07-08T10:19:00.001-07:00

and I feel fine...

my national pastime

2007-07-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of ultimate life goals...

1. to be interviewed, at least once, as the resident expert on X by folks at NPR. whether it be Ira Flatow from Science Friday on Talk of the Nation or Scott Simon on Weekend Edition- I'd love to be asked my opinion on some breaking news story or current event.

2. to hold season tickets to a major league team, preferably the Boston Red Sox, but I'd settle for any team from the Amercian League. I'm not sure how many other 20-something-year-old women long to be a professor at an elite liberal arts college and regularly attend ball games. Maybe it's because I saw my share of little league (my brother played since he was old enough to walk, practically) and learned to keep score at an early age. Maybe it's because some of my most vivid childhood vacation memories revolve around baseball (thanks Dad!) - Fenway, Busch Stadium, Camden Yards, or Cooperstown, most summers included a trip to the Show. Maybe it's because Field of Dreams still makes me cry. Yeah, I know, I'm lame.

I was at two Cardinals games this week. And as much as I complain about the over-priced (Budweiser) beer, there is really no better place to be on a summer evening. While watching the Cards lose is never fun (hey, we're still World Champs for a few more months, right?) at least Boston remains the best team in baseball. I may not be a little kid enjoying swirled soft-serve from a plastic helmet, but in the ballpark at twilight, when your legs stick the seats and your feet crunch on peanut shells, the smell of stale beer and popcorn in the air, time seems to stand still. those are some of my happiest moments.

geek stuff: clocks and evolution

2007-07-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

2 really cool articles published last week in Science describing differences between daily clocks (rest-activity cycles) and seasonal clocks (how rest-activity cycles are maintained on long vs. short days) in fruit flies and that evolution played a role.

Check out the Perspectives summary here.